Historical Debates!

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Moulin Rouge

Hello again everyone, my name is Shadow Dog and I am your host. Welcome to "Historical Debates" the TV show that brings together three historical figures to discuss various issues. Today we will discuss whether the movie "Moulin Rouge" was the worst thing to happen to musicals since "Xanadu!" But first, these messages!!
Does this scene sound familiar to you?

Man: Honey, will we be engaging in sexual intercourse at any point this evening?

Woman: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-gasp-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! Dream on!

Man: But it’s been so long.

Woman {checks calendar}: It’s not Christmas, Father’s day, OR your birthday. Dream on!

Are you tired of your husband bothering you for sex every month? God, it seems like it was just last January that you gave him some. Sheesh. How can a girl get a break? The easy answer has been in front of you all long.

BEER!

Specifically, Sof™ Beer!!! Our new extra soft formula is guaranteed to curb his libido or the next 36 pack is absolutely, positively, not free! And even if we didn’t add a new secret ingredient banned in 200 countries, when’s the last time you saw a plastered man interested in anything except wresting and salty pretzels? Never!

Get him drunk today, ladies, and get back to the important things in life. Most importantly, get him drunk with Sof™ beer!

And we’re back. My first guest is legendary singer Chrissie Hynde!

Chrissie Hynde: Me? But don’t you have to be DEAD to be on this show?

I’m sorry, you’re right! What I meant to say was legendary singer Chrissie Hynde’s CAREER!

Chrissie Hynde’s Career: Thanks for having me, hairface!

You’re welcome. My next guest is Billy Joel!

Billy Joel: Look, man, that joke don’t work on me because I CHOSE to leave the business!

Yep, and I CHOOSE not to work as Bill Gates’ highly paid personal assistant! My last guest is the man who needs no introduction! The Fried Banana Sandwich Inventor! The KING, Elvis Presley!!

Thank you very much!

Dude! You look great! You’ve lost some weight!!

Thanks. I’m losing 5-10 pounds a year to decay. I hope to be back at my army weight in about 2010.

Well, the reason we have three musicians today is because our movie is Moulin Rouge. Chrissie, what did you think of this movie?

There are many pains in life. Childbirth-.

Oh, Jesus God, not this AGAIN! WE BELIEVE YOU!! Childbirth HURTS! Get over it for >:-#’s sake!!

Oh, go write your sissy music! ANYway, a lot things in life are very painful. Billy Joel’s face, for instance.

This face hasn’t stopped me from getting women so hot even YOU’D have sex with them! >:-D

Kids! Kids!! Save your slings and arrows for our horrid movie of the week!

ANYWAY, my POINT is that this movie was the most painful experience of my life. I mean, Nicole Kidman rolling around on the floor pretending to spasm with pleasure because of Ewan’s writing made my skin crawl!

What are you talking about? That was the best part! :-P

Don’t tell me you actually think that stick insect was hot? I need a momma with some meat on her bones! Speaking of which, are either of you gonna eat that?

Um, none of us have any food right now, King.

(Rolls eyes and points at Chrissie.) I was TALKING about THAT!

That’s IT! I’m outta this >:-#>:-#-er!! (stands up)

Uh oh. Let’s take an extra commercial break while we calm everyone down!

“Clerk: Excuse me, you haven’t signed the back of your credit card, so I’ll need to see your Driver’s License.

Man: What? (looks at items to be purchased) I have a bag of Cheetos and a Swank magazine. You think I boosted a card so I could go on a Cheetos and Swank buying spree? That’s right! You’re a genius! You caught me! I’m a criminal mastermind and I’m going to risk going to prison for 6 years so I can get free snacks and reading material! I’m sure this is beyond your rudimentary powers of comprehension, but the reason I don’t sign the back is to make it HARDER for criminals; who will use my card to actually attempt to acquire something worth more than $8.79, I can assure you; to succeed in their endeavors! Because if I sign the back, I’m giving them a blueprint to practice my signature over and over again, so they can sign my name with accuracy and I’ll have a harder time proving it wasn’t me who bought a Cheetos FACTORY, because the signatures will be the same! If there is nothing for them to go by, they’ll just scrawl something which will look nothing like my real signature and I can prove what I bought and what I didn’t! Here! Keep the f-ing Cheetos and Swank, I’m going somewhere else!

Are you easily annoyed?

Woman: HEY! Do you see that sign??? You can READ, can’t you? That says TWELVE items or less! TWELVE! Do you see how many I have in my basket??? Twelve! Yes! That’s right! If I had thirteen I wouldn’t be in this line, would I? Then why the >:-# are you in front of me with sixteen items in your cart? What? NO, I am NOT going to calm down! I’m tired of people being in the express line with more than the authorized amount of products! Don’t turn away from me! (SNATCH!!!!)

(melee results in two housewives rolling around on the floor, flinging press-on nails and purses everywhere.)

Clerk: Um, ma’am? A six-pack counts as ONE item, not six!

Woman (getting up, pressing her ribs back into place) : Oh. Never mind.

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Man: Damn this bank line is long. Lunch hour is almost over.

276 year old woman at teller: I’m here to deposit my pennies. Ah 1, ah 2, ah 3, ah 4, um. Shoot. Lost count. Ah 1, ah 2-.

Man: What the smeg is going on up there????? She could have come at any time!!! What did she pick this time for– (remembers Pistol Prod™) saaaaaaaaaay, why waste my breath? (walks up to woman) **BZZZZZZTHPH!!!!!!**

276 year old woman: AIEEEEEEEEE! (thud of unconscious body hitting the floor like sack of fresh potatoes)

Man: Thanks Pistol Prod™!!!!!

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Woman: This commercial is taking too long! I hate long commercials! **BZZZZZZTHPH!!!!!!**

Announcer: AIEEEEEEEE!!!! (thud)

Woman: Thanks Pistol Prod™!!!!!”

And we're back. So we toweled off Chrissie and she’s agreed to remain.

This extra check had BETTER clear! >:-#

What did you think about this movie, King?

I love it! It wasn’t as good as any of my musicals but for since I can’t make any more this was a suitable replacement. Are you gonna eat that?

That’s my guitar, you moron! You mean you actually LIKED this movie? Well, look who I’m asking. Okay, well, lemme ask you a question, did you have ANY doubt this was a Romeo and Juliet rippoff from the beginning?

In Romeo and Juliet they both died, mendicant.

Not in the millionth movie remake I saw! Okay, well how about that coked out introduction sequence? Not since Fantasia have movie writers smoked more CRACK while writing the opening five minutes of a movie!

I think it was merciful! You wouldn’t be sitting there for the first half hour of the movie hoping it might actually be good and might actually make sense. They made it clear right up front what style and type of nightmare you were in for! It was very sweet of them if you think about it.

Dashed expectations CAN be crushing! This was merciful. I wish someone had dashed my expectations about how painful childbirth was going to be-.

Oh my! Look at the time! Time for a commercial!

“Are you habitually depressed? Has your life turned to >:-#?? Are you a bitter hag or resentful derelict because life has just not worked out for you? Do you hate the world because you are so much worse than everyone else?

I can change all that! I can help you! My name is Percy Snotapple. I am the biggest loser on the planet. Send me $29.99 and I will CHANGE YOUR LIFE by telling you my life story! There IS something on this world worse off than you! Me!!!! Listen to what some now happy people have to say about my perception altering life story on 75 convenient cassettes!

Man: I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand and woke up with 89% of my body burned to a crisp. I hated life and everyone in it, but then Percy Snotapple changed my life! I was listening to tape 33, where he talked about how he got gang-audited by the IRS the year he listed his pet rock as a dependent when I realized, ‘this guy is a bigger loser than me!’ I felt better right away! Besides, can you imagine going through life with a name like Percy Snotapple? Thanks Percy!

Woman: I came home and found my husband having sex with our 78 year old neighbor ... our MALE 78 year old neighbor! I felt totally worthless and undesirable until I listened to Percy Snotapple’s life story! On tape 17 he talks about how the only date he could get for the prom was the girl in the 8th grade who had leprosy, and I realized that I was NOT the biggest loser on the planet! At worst I was the second biggest loser! Thanks Percy!

You’re welcome. Come on! Feel better about yourself instantly by listening to my life story! I am Percy Snotapple, and if I am not the most wretched, pathetic person whose life story you’ve ever listened to, then I’ll give you your money back, no strings! If you order now I’ll include the bonus 76th tape where I tell about the time my wife of five years revealed that when she was a teenager she realized she was a human trapped inside a Spider Monkey’s body! She had a species change operation and met me and the rest was history! If that doesn’t make you feel better about your own life, then nothing will!”

And we're back. It's time for our Parting Shots, those little rants against anything we want but which are usually about movies. Billy Joel, you fire first!

Do ANY of you understand Pop Up Ads? I never have. Some may now please explain to me the concept of annoying the >:-# out of someone in order to get them to buy your product – ARE YOU LISTENING, TELEMARKETERS???? – but there is a small group of marketing morons who actually believe that if they drench you with Pop Up Ads every time you go to another page you’ll stop what you were online to do, go to their tedious website, whip out your credit card, and buy their hideous product. People who believe that also believe that people will continue to eat a steak once they encounter glass in it. You want to know what I do when I encounter a Pop Up Ad? I click the “x” before one graphic loads. That’s what everyone else does as well! If I was online to shop I’d enter “Diet Pork Fried Rice” into my search engine and THAT would get me to your stupid website. That’s the ONLY way I’ll ever get to your retarded site, it WON'T be because of your infuriating Pop Ups! The most precious kind of Pop Up Ad is the kind that generates a SECOND Pop Up when kill the first one! At that point unplug my phone line, exit out of the Ads until they are gone, and then permanently block the original website that offers these ads from my browser and vow to NEVER return! >:-# Pop Up Ads and >:-# any website that gets money for having them!! And as for this new form of annoying us to death, Spam emails that generate Pop Up Ads when you highlight them to erase them, >:-# THEM too!!

Um, porn sites are the only sites that generate Pop Up Ads. Stop going to them.

(eyes shift) Really? Oh.

Chrissie, you fire next.

Some people don’t believe me when I talk about how painful childbirth is but lemme tell ya-.

Um, Chrissie?

Yes Shadow?

(Shadow Dog stands on all fours) TAKE THE >:-#-ING SHOT NEXT TIME YOU DROP A BABY!!

You mean there is something they can do for the pain these days?

Um, yeah.

Oh. I'm glad that's sorted. No need for me to give a Parting Shot then.

Jesus God Almighty. Anyway, Elvis, it's on you, buddy.

A lot of people have taken shots at me through the years because of all the drugs I took. What these people fail to realize is that I was an APPOINTED government agent, appointed by the original King of Sleaze, Richard Nixon! And I took my drug enforcement duties SERIOUSLY! It made it my 24/7 job thereafter to take every drug I could get my hands on to keep them off the streets and out of the hands of the children! I took one for the TEAM, ladies and gentlemen! You better believe that every pill I popped was a pill the CHILDREN wouldn’t be popping! I singlehandedly prevented 10,000 kids from becoming addicts! Not only am I the King, I’m a smegging HERO! So don’t ragging on me about this and start worshipping me some more!

Can we still rag on you about the fried banana sandwiches?

That’s another thing. Every fried banana sandwich I ate was one less Rosie O’Donnell could get her pudgy fingers on-.

OOOOOKAY, that’s fine, Evie!

I was hanging out with some of my friends last week. A couple of them happen to be humans, not that there's anything wrong with that. The conversation came around to this website and I said, "I worked like a dog on that stupid website last week!" One of the humans raised issue with this expression. "Why do they say 'work like a dog, man? All I ever see dogs doing is lying around licking their balls.' Oh really? This from a community college dropout who spends so much time each day watching Court TV that he's calling objections before the attorneys can stand up? Or maybe this boy genius thinks that CATS work? What the >:-# do cats ever do??? Dogs, meanwhile, guard your house 24/7, hunt, fetch shot down birds (do you see cats getting in a nasty ole pond to bring back a stinking head blown off pheasant? I think not!), pull sleighs in Alaska, wear barrels for some reason and rescue people, sniff out drugs and bombs, search for criminals and lost people in the woods, work as police officers, and run websites! Obviously, Dogs RULE!! Oh, and one more thing, we kicked cats' ASSES in the movie Cats and Dogs! WOO HOO!!!

Thanks for watching! Next time we'll talk about "American Psycho!"

Historical Debates is brought to you by Body Spam! By Tongue Shaver! And by Slappy the Adult Clown! Call Slappy and be enjoying hot adult clown action by tomorrow!

"This commercial is taking too long! I hate long commercials! **BZZZZZZTHPH!!!!!!**"
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