The Good...

Spiderman

So this is it! This is the greatest movie ever made! And before you even dream of lecturing me that box office receipts do not equal greatness ask yourself this: What is the purpose of a movie?

a) Entertain
b) Outrageously pander to the emotions of the day
c) Torture the public
d) Collect awards on shows no one watches anymore
e) Make as many critics as possible wet themselves with joy
f) Put asses in seats

a) Yes, movies are supposed to entertain and this one does. It was face paced, amusing in places, and the Green Goblin was wonderfully played by William Defoe. b) No, they shouldn’t sell out to fleeting public sentiment but unfortunately Spiderman does. c) Only Tom Green and Adam Sandler movies are specifically intended to torture. d) Movies do want awards but that is not their overriding purpose unless Steven Speilberg is at the helm. e) As for critics, if you’re making movies intended to impress THEM, you need medical help much more than you need accolades.

No, the ultimate goal of movies is to put asses in seats, preferably more than once. And then put asses on the couch when that movie’s DVD is in the machine. There is NO more definitive criteria for judging movies than how many people shelled out money to see it. To judge movies any other way would be like judging football teams on how many yards they gained, not how many games they won. “They’re 1-15 but WOW the yards they gain!”

Therefore, Spiderman is the greatest movie ever made ... until the next two Matrix movies are released. But unlike the previous best movie ever made, “Titantic”, the annoying lead character doesn’t freeze to death. That’s tragic but there’s going to be at least two more chances for Toby to die so hold your hope close to your heart. Both movies have hot redhead female leads but I give Spiderman the edge there for having fewer grossout spitting scenes involving her.

Unfortunately, Mary Jane (catastrophically saddled with a nickname that has already been appropriated by Michael Jordan. Just as you lose yourself in her dreamy eyes someone would call her “MJ” and invoke the image of a sweaty giant, his tongue hanging out of his mouth like a limp eel, slamming a ball from the freethrow line. Nothing can bounce you from a movie like THAT image.) isn’t the brightest apple in the bushel. Let’s look at the facts. Early in the movie, while still at high school, MJ (“he shoots! He scores! MJ has 45 points!”) witnesses Peter Parker:

1) catch her and all the items on her lunchtray with supernatural speed and agility.

2) drag a lunchtray behind him using a spiderweb!!

3) dodge, flip over, and pummel the school bully using moves that would make that chick from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Wires” throw her drink at the movie screen while screaming “That’s bull poodoo!!”

Then, all of the sudden, this superhero appears on the scene using spiderwebs and super agility to catch bad guys. Gee, I wonder where she’s seen those things before? Maxwell Smart could have put two and two together! Even if Mary Jane is too much a nitwit to figure it out, how come none of them other hundred students who witnessed the lunchtray webdrag put it together?

And don’t give me that the facial expression MJ had at the end after she kissed Peter meant she had finally figured it out. That had to be gas because if what she saw in school didn’t clue her in then all the kisses won’t help her. Mary Jane has now passed Lois Lane as the biggest moron in comic book history.

Was the CGI Spiderman supposed to look that bad? It got so bad that I started to wonder if they were going for a comic book look instead of a photorealistic look. That’s possible and would be a really cool idea so I won’t hammer them on this point. Otherwise I’d have to think they used the same digital effects company that did the disastrous Bond waterskiing scenes in “Die Another Day.”

All in all, this was a pretty good popcorn movie. The greatest of all time? Hey, who am I to argue with the box office?

One more thing, the reason I resisted watching this movie for so long was I’d heard about the criminally gratuitous additions put in after 9-11. I didn’t mind directors going into just completed movies and removing the Twin Towers from scenes, three of four did this after 9-11 and that was tasteful. But adding moments like New York denizens throwing things at the Green Goblin and screaming "if you mess with one New Yorker you mess with all of us!" is not only offensive but lame. Offensive in its pandering attempt to manipulate the audience, unspeakably lame because you can’t script spontaneous emotional outbursts about something of this magnitude. Just as sickening was the pornographically lingering shot of Spiderman hugging the American Flagpole. Let’s hope the same people aren’t involved in making “X-Men 2” or we’ll likely see Patrick Stewart hanging around the Pentagon swearing grimly that no one else will dare singe its walls.

Shadow Dog sez:

How come Dogman never caught on? Dogs have powers! They're a hell of a lot cuter too! Grrrr. -