a very special review by Shadow Dog

There I was, enjoying my popcorn flavored butter, my soda flavored ice, and my cat flavored dessert, “Meow Wow.” And, for the first 10-15 minutes, I was enjoying this movie.

And then we came to the first brutal dog murdering. Viciously stabbed through the heart with a meat fork for the crime of smelling aliens. Like Arfy was really going to hurt the little girl! What, prancing through corn fields and changing their skin to match the billboard and litter colored background of America wasn’t good enough for the aliens? They have the ability to control faithful loving pets and turn them against their families??? Get real.

Later, the Mel Gibson family barricade themselves within their farmhouse. The other family dog, an emotionally scarred witness to the first dogicide, is left tied outside. When they first hear this second dog screams for mercy as the aliens mirthfully ripped the life from its always faithful, always loving body, one of the kids says, “oppsie, I guess we forgot to bring in the dog.”

To which Mel Gibson replies, “damn. Oh well, let’s have some more French Toast!”

Two beautiful German Shepherds callously brutalized for the crime of giving the best years of their lives to this wretched excuse of a family. As the aliens pressed forward, backing the Gibson family down into their final refuge, a dark basement, the only thought rebounding back and forth through my mind was “now that you’re down to hand to hand combat with these chameleon aliens, wouldn’t it be nice to have a couple 80 pound defensive machines who rely more on smell than sight and who would joyously give their lives to protect you? But no, you had to do an O.J. Simpson on one and ‘forget’ to bring the other one in out of harm’s way!” Pathetic! This serial killer family couldn’t even halt their murderous urges when to do so would help them survive against alien invaders! I haven’t rooted this hard for an alien race to succeed in wiping out human life since those dog murdering bastards in “The Thing” got what was coming to them!

And speaking of hand to hand combat, are you seriously trying to tell me that some aliens came from 52 billion lightyears away and they haven’t even figured out the concept of “weapons” yet? They have the technology to press crops down to the ground without breaking the stalks ... but they can’t figure out a way through a wooden door? If they haven’t figured out fire yet how did their space program ever get off the ground?

And don’t get me started on the climatic revelation. I’d love to hear someone explain the biological evolution of these aliens in light of what is revealed in the end. M. Night, if you wanted to do a movie about fantasy creatures who are too contradictory to ever exist in the real world, why didn’t you just hire Tom Green and Adam Sandler and save all the CGI money?

Even if this movie didn’t suck new kinds of ass, I would call all my canine brothers and sisters to boycott this hideous dog slandering piece of obviously cat propagated antipooch propaganda! I haven’t seen a film that set us this far back since “Air Bud”!!!

Dog assassination loving jackass.