The Good

Star Wars II

Because so many people are waiting for the crowds to die down a bit, and in any case the movie has only been out five days, I’m not letting Dexter post his usual spoiler laden review of Star Wars II for a while. But after much pleading that he had to post SOMETHING about the movie, given his disgraceful devotion to the hideous Star Wars franchise, I agreed to allow him to address the backlash against the movie. After the movie has been out a while I’ll let him do one of his usual reviews. I can say that he adored the movie and plans to see it at least a dozen times this summer.

Nerd.

In my review of Star Wars Episode I below, there is mention of my theory that George Lucas is trying to distance himself from legions of crazed fans by intentionally pissing them off with Jar Jar Binks, hideously lame movie titles, and Jar Jar Binks. With this new movie I’ve formed a second theory.

People have GOT to have something to bitch about! It is in our blood, in the very fiber of our beings, and we can never be completely happy if we can’t meet our bitch quota on a regular basis. The better something is, the greater the need to find something, anything to bitch about it. This is why Bill Gates always looks so miserable. He is a gazillionare, married to the tenth hottest thing on the planet, attends every high school reunion with men who break railroad ties with their bare hands to pass the time whom Gates orders to flush people who used to annoy him in school down the toilets, and is world famous. There is nothing left for him to bitch about, not even his appearance because he can afford to buy mirrors that show him a digitally altered version of his butt ugly mug.

But I digress.

The point is that, for the same reason we used to put an obvious error in the first paragraph of our English papers that would cost us a point but satisfy our teacher so they don’t desperately scan the paper all night to find SOMETHING wrong until they finally discover the several plagiarisms or something else horridly wrong with it, George Lucas tries to get the fan bitching out of the way up front with the movie title so that by the time the movie actually opens, people will have gotten their complaint fix and will be ready to enjoy the movie itself.

Unfortunately, even a movie title as inappropriate and criminally lame as “Attack of the Clones” is not going to satisfy people’s need to bitch when a movie is as big as each Star Wars installment is. For this reason, we’re already seeing two main complaints about Star Wars II that demonstrate how far people are reaching to find something to bitch about.

1) “The political stuff is boring and confusing!” This was levied against Episode I and the complaint has returned for this one. This, folks, is why incumbents for the US Congress are reelected at a consistent 98% rate. Don’t confuse us with issues, past voting records, or future goals (all that confusing and boring political stuff) just put the newspaper down and pass me the cornflakes because I’m voting for whomever I’ve heard of before. Anyone so much of a moron that they found the politics of Episode I or II too hard to comprehend needs to stick to “Saved by the Bell” reruns before they hurt themselves.

2) “The romance stuff sucked or was cheesy.” Cheesy? Eh? And since when has Star Wars NOT been cheesy? In the first ten minutes of Episode IV, exchanges such as this one “She’ll die before she tells you!” “Leave that to me!” are shamelessly delivered. Then, a mere minute later, Vadar declares with all the fervor of a villain in a 70’s Honk Kong karate import: “There will be no one to stop us this time!” Lucas let it be known at the very beginning of this franchise that cheese was going to rule! It is one reason the movies are so great. Space operas are SUPPOSED to be cheesy! The romances within them especially so! Personally, even as an immature kid, I found the Solo/Leia romance tedious because both of them (but especially Han) acted so childish. But I went with it because cheese is king in SF. How else can you explain five million Dr. Who episodes?

Imagine for a moment if it was Star Wars IV that had opened for the first time last week instead of Episode II. Let’s say the special effects were up to date but nothing else was changed. How much would the cheesy lines I mentioned and all the other cheese within the movie get hammered in this day and age? A LOT and you know it. But since those first three movies are so familiar it’s okay. But thinking about seeing the original three for the first time now makes us realize that the style, acting ranges, and cheesiness have not changed a bit from movie to movie, we, the audience have changed. We’re more sophisticated now. And that’s a good thing. It keeps the writers on their toes. But to fully enjoy this movie you’ll have to leave your modern sophistication in your car. If you condemn the cheesiness of Episode II then you have to condemn the entire franchise.

PS. How much did Jimmy Smits get paid for this “appearance”? The Conehead Jedi with the white beard got more face time and I don’t even know what the hell his name is!

Shadow Dog Sez:

Nerd.

Phantom Menace

Okay, let’s get the name out of the way straight off. I have a theory about George Lucas. I believe that he got sick and tired of Star Wars nerd fans bugging him and decided to piss them off so much that he can live out the remainder of his life in peace. Hence the retarded “Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the Clones” titles for his two most recent Star Wars movies. Yes, the titles are lamer than the final season of “Suddenly Susan.” I’m aware of that. But that doesn’t detract from the movies themselves in my humble opinion.

While we’re at it, let’s deal with Jar Jar Binks. This is exhibit #2 for my case that Lucas is intentionally pissing off the hard core Star Wars nerd militia by annoying the socks off of them so he can order a Slurpee at a drive through without answering 25 million questions from the pimply register jockey through the window sporting breath so bad he could knock out a Hutt at fifty paces. Jar Jar Binks is the most irritating thing seen on screen since the Cannonball Run franchise finally ran off the road and flamed out. Binks is more irritating than being caught on the toilet without access to toilet paper and discovering you can’t reach the shower curtain. I’d rather share a prison cell with Jay Leno, the most tedious bastard on the planet, than watch one more second of Binks. I’d rather eat a live, unshaved spider monkey than be forced to try and devine meaning from one more line of incomprehensible dialogue from Binks’ mealy mouth.

Jar Jar Binks is more annoying than having a rabid hamster ride on your shoulder and eat your ear one tiny nip at a time while blasting Godsmack from his headphones and tapping the answer to Jeopardy questions in Morse Code on your shoulder with one of his tiny paws.

Jar Jar Binks is more irritating than “The Nanny,” Tom Green, Adam Sandler, and the last eight John Travolta movies PUT TOGETHER.

But that fact has been well documented. Let’s put Binks behind us. One more annoying thing to get out of the way. Could the Pod Race have BEEN any longer??????? (actually, yes, because it was originally 25 minutes long. I shudder to think of it lasting that long in the final cut) It was exciting and all but if I wanted to watch a bunch of cheating morons race each other round and round and round for five hours I would turn on Nascar. So the race could have been less tedious.

Having said all of that, Episode One was AWESOME. The saber duel at the end was the best of the franchise, the special effects were obviously top notch, and I don’t agree with the people who say that the movie didn’t have a plot. Perhaps the plot was too simple for them to follow. Emperor Boy was taking his first step towards snatching control of the universe. He needed to be elected Chancellor of the Senate. He could best accomplish that by getting the sympathy vote resulting from his world being invaded. Period.

Another thing to keep in mind is that Ep 1 is all about setup. It is the first of 6 movies, therefore everyone has to be introduced, relationships have to be developed, and themes explored in the final five movies have to be set up. For instance, the only reason they were on Tatoonie for a third of the movie racing pods and arguing with flying anteaters over money was so they could meet Anakin Skywalker and end up bringing him along. All of that was setting up him becoming a Jedi. Those kind of sidetrips will be unnecessary in Eps 2 and 3.

So I really enjoyed this movie despite Binks and all of the necessary setup. And I’m so much looking forward to Episode 2 that I have my tent and camping gear ready and have picked out a nice comfortable looking spot to wait on the sidewalk in front of a nearby theater.

Shadow Dog sez:

That loser is on his own as far as waiting for weeks outside to see the next movie. I’m a civilized dog, I don’t go outside any longer than necessary. Now if I could only get him to stop calling me “Chewie.”