Butt Fugly Movies!

Sometimes there are movies so butt ugly (mean spirited, offensive, etc) that I've had to create an entirely new category to emcompass them. Which brings us to this page. Read on at your own risk!

The Man Who Wasn’t There

Like the sweetest, most naive lamb being lead to the slaughter, I rented this movie yesterday. I’ve done some stooopid things in my life (like the time I decided to find out what the complaints about the “Enterprise” theme song was all about and listened to that cat with its tail caught in a meat grinder screeching for 3.4 seconds) but nothing rivals this monumental blunder.

I don’t mind a movie with aimless acting (Traffic), ridiculous special effects (The One), pretentious sound tracks (Moulin Rouge), screenplays banged out by syphilitic, lobotomized, drunk chimpanzees who are coked out of their minds and typing scenes by hitting a keyboard with a breadpan and using whatever comes out the anus of the printer (A Simple Plan, American Psycho), or even petty criminals devising Byzantine plots that Machiavelli, the last six Chess world champions, and all the WWII Japanese naval planners wouldn’t have thought would work in their biggest CRACK dream (Reindeer Games). I don’t even mind a movie sucking harder than Linda Lovelace trapped underwater with her only supply of air available through a straw.

But, for the love of Star Wars, STOP BEING SO PRETENTIOUS AND MAKING BLACK AND WHITE MOVIES!!! This is 2002, not 1927! This is a big time Hollywood production, not Kevin Smith eating dogfood and taking a college course so he could get a student discount at the local film supply store in order to afford to finance his first film! If you’re paying for the movie yourself I’ll give you a pass on the stone age color but the movie had BETTER be good!

The Coen brothers can GET financing, so the fact that this hideous movie is black and white is pure art house pretense at it’s most nauseating.

Therefore, I didn’t watch this crap and I wouldn’t watch it for five million dollars! Six? We’ll talk.

Anyway, consider this a warning to not slap down your hard earned 3 bucks to rent this filth unless you’re the sort of elitist scum who loves to roll around in pretense. If that is the case, Shadow Dog left something in my yard you can also roll around in. >:-#

Shadow Dog Sez:

Hey! I’m a refined dog! I don’t do my "bidness" in your yard! I use the neighbor’s yard!!

Being John Malkcovich

There are a lot of people I would like to be. Michael Branson, Mel Gibson about twenty years younger, Ray Liotta while he was shooting the movie Heartbreakers (that bastard got to kiss and rub up against super sexy Sigourney Weaver and stand over Goddess O’ Hotness Jennifer Love Hewitt for NINE HOURS of shooting while her face was plastered to his groin to say nothing of her leaping into his arms and attaching her groin to his aforementioned groin IN THE SAME FREAKING MOVIE!! I HATE Ray Liotta if I can’t be him for this movie!!!) but only if I can jump out of his body before Hannibal Lector starts cutting away. There are others but this opening paragraph is getting really long so I’ll cut to my point with Lector like precision. Soft spoken, extra sweaty, whiny, can’t play anything but villains and rodeo clowns Jon Malkcovich is 1245th down my list of people I would want to be. So it is only fair to say that I had my reservations about this movie going in.

2pm reservations at McDonalds have never been as ironclad as mine turned out to be. I’m not going to say this movie sucked because that word is inadequate. “Worse than eating corn beast and cabbage at three in the morning with a warm milk chaser while staying in a house that has NO bathroom” comes closer to expressing my feelings but is still missing something.

How did this fiberglass splinter in my eye of a movie reek? Let me address some of the worst hate crimes.

Jon Cusak has played so many big time losers during his career that he has four full time self esteem coaches. But the long greasy haired, abysmally bad facial hair having, mumbling, gut free, ball free, never saw a point he couldn’t successfully miss, CZAR of losing has now replaced Barkley of STTNG as the biggest socially inept, emotionally incompetent, FAILURE of a human being in the history of moving pictures! Jon’s character couldn’t be more of a loser if KING KONG’S hand was surgically removed, shaped into an “L,” and welded to Jon’s forehead!

I wish I had the words to describe how big a loser Jon Cusak played in this movie. :-(

Given what I said, you might think that Catherine Keener’s character would annoy me but she didn’t. The writers intended her to be just as she is for comedic purposes and they succeed in making her mean in a funny way. Her general not give a >:-# attitude continued to amuse me, and her interactions with John Malkcovich were highlights of this abysmal film. The main problem I had was the way the other two main characters, Cusak’s and Cameron’s interactions with her. Apparently Catherine Keener has a magic flute up her bum that makes her so hot that people will go any lengths, including completely humiliating themselves to be with her no matter how badly she treats them. I personally didn’t think she was hot enough to warrant the trouble of crossing the street to talk to her so it must have been something magical or supernatural.

As for Cameron Diaz, anyone who reads my stories know I love creepy characters, especially female ones. :-P Other than her unhealthy animal fetish she was not annoying except for her interactions with Keener’s character. I don’t blame her for her treatment of Cusak, he deserved Rosanne Barr for a wife so anything she dished out to him was great! But the whole thing with the animals was tedious and her getting locked up in the monkey cage was painful!! It made me hate Cusak’s character even more (he finally gets a spine and THIS is what he does?) and she was also annoying.

And what can you say about the man himself? John Malkcovich? It takes guts for a celebrity to make fun of himself or herself. But for John to take this role he HAS to be the most down to earth, self depreciating person EVER! Not even the most self parodying person in history, William Shatner, has had the courage to sink THIS low to prove he can laugh at himself more than anyone else can! It’s too bad John’s coming out party had to be a movie this awful.

The office woman who couldn’t understand normal talking was funny for 13 seconds (but that may have been because I was reading Dilbert when she first came on) and tedious thereafter (I should have equipped myself with a Dilbert book collection for this movie) and then hideously tedious right after that. It reminded me of those interminable Saturday Night Live skits which start with a funny premise, proceed to beat the horse to death, and then COOK the horse and eat it and THEN maybe they move on to something else.

The low ceiling office was a neat idea and very amusing. I trash horrible movies but I have nothing against the actors who only have the scripts they are given (except those few actors I genuinely LOATHE! You know who you are!) so I felt bad for them. I can only imagine what long hours of stooping over like that did to their backs. But that hardship was worth it as this gag was the most successful one of the movie, which unfortunately is not saying much.

I could go on and ON and ON about how horrible this movie is but I risk being as tedious as it was. So finally, lemme talk about the DVD version of this movie. Among the bizarre Special Features (which include a blank page with nothing on it. HA HA HA HA!!! That is just tooo entertaining for words!) is an “interview” with Spike Jonze, the demented director of this horrid movie. For two and a half minutes Spike mumbles inarticulate answers to basic questions about the movie and when asked the only question I cared about, “how in the >:-# did you get John Malkcovich to do this movie???” Spike pulls the car over, opens the door, and vomits on the street! The camera lovingly pans down to linger on his expelled lunch before the interview ends. Now, I KNOW that all of the special features attempt to copy the tone of the movie and so are tongue in cheek. But it is one thing to turn on its ear the generic DVD Special Features director interview and quite another to show simulated or real puking. Show me someone entertained/amused by this “interview” and I’ll show you the lowest form of life on this beautiful planet, a Tom Green fan.

Having said that, it IS fitting that Spike Jonze did literally what his movie did metaphorically ... vomit all over us!!

Shadow Dog sez...

What would happened if they'd shoved one of those animals into the portal? -