The Mets' Benny Agbayani on losing the World Series: "We can hang our heads high."
Darryl Hamilton on losing the World Series: "It's like taking your sister to the prom."
"I believe in the Church
of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions and
most of the minor
ones -- I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu,
Siva, trees, mushrooms,
and Isadora Duncan...
I know things. For
instance -- There are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary.
And -- there are 108
stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a
chance. But it just
didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me.
I
prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in
baseball...and it's
never boring.
(If you
came here via the very first link, here's where the soliloguy picks up)
->Which
makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer 'slept with me
who
didn't have the best
year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball--you just
got to relax and concentrate.
Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250
unless he had a lot
of R.B.I.'s or was a great glove man up the middle. A
woman's got to have
standards.
The young players start
off full of enthusiasm and energy but they don't
realize that come
July and August when the weather is hot it's hard to
perform at your peak
level. The veterans pace themselves better. They
finish stronger. They're
great in September. While I don't believe a woman
needs a man to be
fulfilled, I do confess an interest in finding the
ultimate guy--he'd
have that youthful exuberance but the veteran's sense of
timing...
Y'see there's a certain
amount of "life-wisdom" I give these boys. I can
expand their minds.
Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone I'll just read Emily Dickinson
or Walt Whitman to him. The guys are so sweet-- they always stay and listen.
Of course a guy
will listen to anything
if he thinks it's foreplay.
I make then feel confident.
They make me feel safe. And pretty. What I give
them lasts a lifetime.
What they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade,
but bad trades are
part of baseball -- who can forget Frank Robinson or Milt Pappas, for Godsakes!
It's a long season and you got to trust it."
-- Annie (played by Susan Sarandon), in "Bull Durham"
Rick Monday, on Phil Niekro's knuckleball: "It actually giggles at you as it goes by."
Bobby Murcer on Phil Niekro: "Trying to hit him is like trying to eat Jell-O with chopsticks."
Former Ranger pitcher Jim Kern, recalling being taken out of a game: "I told him I wasn't tired. He told me 'No, but the outfielders sure are.'"
Oiler coach Bum Phillips,
when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his
wife on all the road
trips: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
Chicago Cubs outfielder
Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want
all the kids to do
what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB
George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want
to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Upon hearing Joe Jacoby
of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own
mother to win the
Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To
win, I'd run over
Joe's mom too."
Football commentator
and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody
in football should
be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Clemson recruit Ray
Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic
requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a
professor. The tests
don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I
haven't been through
in school."
Boxing promoter Dan
Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would
anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went
to prison for three
years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago
Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself
above his locker: "That's so when I forget
how to spell my name,
I can still find my frigging clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on
whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs
that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on
his lack of championships: "I've won at every
level, except college
and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing
trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew
Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in
the morning regardless
of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando
Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27
record: "We can't
win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager,
I just can't
figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North
Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano
why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger
manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born
pitching sensation
Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his
upcoming contract
negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Darrell Royal, Texas
football coach, asked if the abnormal number of
Longhorn injuries
that season resulted from poor physical
conditioning: "One
player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about
getting a nose in
condition for football?"
Mike McCormack, coach
of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's
co-captain, offensive
guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running
onto the field for
the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to
send the injured reserve
players out for the toss next time."
Steve Spurrier, Florida
football coach, telling Gator fans that a
fire at Auburn's football
dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real
tragedy was that 15
hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans
Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he
thought of the refs:
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy
officiating."
Alan Kulwicki, stock
car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed
to Sunday afternoons:
"It's basically the same, just darker."
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland
Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:
"I was going to write
myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
Frank Layden, Utah
Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
Son, what is it with
you. Is it ignorance or apathy?" He said,
"Coach, I don't know
and I don't care."
Torrin Polk, University
of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He
treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball
coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player
who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like
you're spending too
much time on one subject."
Thanks to my friend Ken Hodge
(no, not either of the ex-Bruins) for sending many of these. And
thanks to Johnny for the updates!
Send
me your quotes!