(One day I established this inane daily series of Star Wars "personality" news reports for RASSM, complete with Letterman-esque fake sponsors. I was able to crank out a week's worth, which includes obligatory spoofs of "Behind the Music" and "Iron Chef," before giving it up)
 

   Day 1: Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi reigned as Coruscant Pie-Eating Champ for three years straight before his streak was broken by newcomer and Jedi Apprentice Anakin Skywalker, who bested his own master by wolfing down three more rootleaf-meringue pies in the allotted time.

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   Day 2: The wife of Rebel Alliance fighter pilot Jon "Dutch" Vander, Helen, is best known for her work in the theater. Having ended her award-winning run in the off-Coruscant hit musical, Ami, Get Your Blaster: The Queen Amidala Story, she now stars in the critically-acclaimed one-woman show, They Call Me MON Mothma.

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   Day 3: Before becoming a notorious bounty hunter, Dengar enjoyed phenomenal success as a galaxy-renowned rock star. Denix Garzair, as he was then known, worked as frontman for the underground metal band Thermal Detonation before forming the more pop rock-oriented group, Denny's Kessel Runners. With monster hits like "Hyperspace Headcase," "Price on My Heart," and "Sun Crush Mama," Garzair was on top of the world.
   But then it all came crashing down: booze, girls, spice... he couldn't get enough. Massive head wounds inflicted from a drunken cantina shootout left him unrecognizable.
   Despite long months of physical and psychiatric therapy, he was still unable to return to the profession he loved, so he acted on his lifelong obsession with bounty hunters, and today performs hits of a different kind under the alias "Dengar."

The RASSM Fun Fact of the Day has been brought to you by Helmar's Hydrospanners. Helmar's Hydrospanners: They're Hydro-tastic!

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   Day 4: Call him the "Admiral of 1000 Faces."
   It appears that the Empire's Admiral Piett has developed quite a reputation for his dead-on impersonations of famous figures like crime boss Jabba the Hutt and bounty hunter Boba Fett.
   But is the stern and merciless Lord Darth Vader off limits? Surprisingly not, according to Piett, who discusses this and other topics in his new book, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bridge: A Light-hearted Look at Life on the Executor.
   "I was trying out an impression of him for the other officers, and it turned out he overheard me," he says. "I thought I was in deep [trouble], but instead he just patted me on the back and gave a hearty chuckle. I was quite relieved!"
   Piett enjoys performing in the ship's "Executor Improv!" unscripted comedy show whenver he can. While free time has been at a premium of late due to Rebel Alliance activity, Piett hopes the new Death Star II will finally put an end to their cause... and leave an impression they won't soon forget.

(A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bridge, by Admiral Piett is now available from Grand Moff Publishing.)

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   Day 5: Top Jedi Master Yoda has announced that he is set to star in his own cooking show, Master Jedi, Master Chef. In each episode, Yoda will use his senses, skills, and creativity to prepare dishes that even the non-Force-
sensitive can make and enjoy.
   Yoda's recipes have long been staples at the Jedi Academy mess halls, and the rave reviews there inspired him to establish the wildly popular eatery, Yoda's Cuisine Temple, located in downtown Coruscant.
   A key ingredient frequently found in his dishes is rootleaf, a fact that has become the source of much ribbing for the diminutive Jedi from his peers.
   "He can cook up some mean dishes with that [stuff]," notes Master Mace Windu. "But the guy is a rootleaf maniac."
   "Versatile, it is!" Yoda protests. "And nutritious. Rootleaf is the path to a great meal! Great meals lead to good health! Good health... leads to a good life!"
   But will Yoda's culinary skills and quirky personality lead to good ratings?
   "Clouded, the show's future is," he muses. "But agree with me the council does: entertaining, the show will be."

(Master Jedi, Master Chef will begin airing weekly this upcoming semester on Holonet's Jedi Broadcast Network.)

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