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September, 2009

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I am younger, perhaps in my 30s. I am in some warm outdoor place (probably India), the sun beating down, about to be seated for lunch and served with a full plate of hot and spicy Indian (Asian) food (rice curry or chicken curry, I think, except it is a blend with chicken enchiladas and green tamatilla sauce, a favorite TexMex dish). An older Indian gentleman (a sevadar or volunteer servant to the Master) is about to seat me, but I have lost track of my wife (who is a blend of Fran and someone else, not known, this other woman being intelligent too but freer, happier, more engaging, sensitive, attractive, younger too, and into her feelings).

There is some confusion about whether I am to be seated, since my wife is not with me. And then it is as if I have been seated among many others on one side of a long set of picnic-type tables, open air, except for a translucent, tent-like canopy, open-sided, over our heads, that gives us some shade from the intense Indian sun's rays.

I hope my wife will find me here and that I can get her a seat as well. It seems really "iffy," and I am a little put out with, plus a little concerned about, her for having wandered off and not having stayed with me.

[The food being served here makes me think of a spiritual feast, one I cannot share with Fran, because of both how she is and her complete lack of interest in anything of that sort. I would be able to share it with the other woman, whom this anima is a blend of with Fran, but it is not clear that she will show up in time. The food being served here also calls to mind the phrase "the whole enchilada," the idea of savoring it all, all that life has to offer. The food, its green sauce, and the spiciness of it suggest nurturing, growth, and taking in or enjoying the spice of life. The chicken, however, suggests I have caution or fear about really savoring and taking in what my life provides or about the growth that is still occurring and needed.

Fran is highly intelligent, curious about many things, but not very socially gracious when the topic of conversation or the person(s) she is with or speaking to is(are) not ones in which she has an interest, or she does not feel she knows as much or more than others around her or can teach them about it. She is often amusing or easily amused and is well focused on the things she enjoys, is rather Tomboyish, is a musician (and still works in part-time music gigs, contributing thus about 10-15% of the income needed for our retirement expenses), and is strong-willed or independent, artistic, yet mainly focused on rational, linear, analytical ways of thinking, not so much into holistic insight or a more heartfelt approach to life. At times she is not very cooperative with necessary efforts or even recreational activities I regard as important to our marriage. Yet she is also generally the more upbeat and playful of the two of us, especially with our dog. She can at times be abrasive and anti-social when she feels she is among folks less intelligent or enlightened than she and/or when she is not perceived as the expert or consultant and so not secure in her teaching role.

The Indian gentleman seating me and others reminds me of sevadars at a spiritual colony I visited in late 1975-early 1976, in India. He is simply intent on his duties, though a bit officious in how he carries them out around others. At that colony, I met the Master of the meditation path I was following then. Although he does not appear in the dream, the entire dream setting reminds of his colony and its environs. He was deeply impressive, clearly advanced in his meditation practice. He conveyed a sense of great personal equanimity and command of whatever situation he was a part of. He was also very intuitive, nonchalantly demonstrating psychic powers as if they were nothing special, merely as normal a part of his knowing as smelling, seeing, or hearing is for anyone else.

I was alternately captivated by him and feeling he was a conduit for divine insight and energy and, on the other hand, into my more typically cynical, skeptical self, feeling he was just somebody who played the guru role rather well.

Unlike in the dream, the food served at the spiritual colony was strictly vegetarian. There was no place for (being) chicken in that scene. I had a meal personally served by the Master and his sevadars, all of the food considered blessed and so a great boon, according to his more true believer type guests/followers.

The warmth in the dream felt good, but there was concern about the intensity of the sunlight, so the canopy over where we were gathered to eat was welcome. There was a sense of huge, unorganized throngs before I was seated and outside the colony (outside the area where the food was being served). I believed the Frances/other woman anima blend must be out there among all those people, but I hoped she would find her way in, and to me among the seated diners, before long and so would not just be lost.

In one sense, the anima is simply not there, yet, in another, concern about her absence is a major part of the dream, so perhaps the two blended animas' characteristics are there to show right feeling or by example a correct attitude or one to avoid. From the Fran side of that blend there may be an invitation to be more masculine or controlling, more playful, taking life less seriously. From the other woman, there may be encouragement to be freer, happier, and more engaging with others.

The shadow sevadar, with qualities I generally do not care to acknowledge, is scrupulous in carrying out his duties but to the point of being officious or of self-importantly being too rigorous and meticulous in enforcing the rules, conventions, or "forms" of this place.

My age, in my 30s, suggests "amped up" transformation.]

9/7/09 - Title: "Goodbye to All That"

It is a sunny day, perhaps late morning (mourning?) or early afternoon. Two cute (too cute?) young (Jung?) girls (each about age two) are sad while searching among the flowers on a hilly field or meadow.

[Besides the girls' tearfulness, there is about the dream itself, for the observing ego, a sense of deep sadness. It feels as though the dreamer and the girls know that what was lost will never be found.

Oddly enough, while writing down the dream I was remembering my sad Glen Campbell song, that I had sung with feeling over the weekend, at a family reunion karaoke party, "By the Time I Get to Phoenix," a once popular ballad that laments a lost love.

I feel that the "comfortable" ways I had been used to are irretrievably gone.

And the dream may be (because of the song association) about heading west, into the potentially sad realm of the unconscious, emotions, and intuition.

Obviously too, along with a theme of grieving, there is dawning awareness suggested in this dream. There may also be masculinity apparent here (sunny day). Also, perhaps the idea of a Phoenix, the god who I believe fell back to earth after soaring too close to the sun (of masculinity).

Later, after looking up Phoenix on the internet, I discovered of course that it is really about a mythical firebird, not the god that went too close to the sun.]

9/9/09 - Title: "Preparing for My Premie"

Everyone's on board (baby on board?) for the arrival of a precious new baby. The baby was born already (prematurely?) but needs special attention at the hospital because some of its metabolism or (blood?) salts (electrolytes?), etc., are not exactly right.

One way or another, it won't be long now before the new baby arrives and then, hopefully, before it is well or mature enough not to need a special unit.

The woman doctor has come to my house to check on the unit (or incubator?) where the baby will stay at first, once it arrives. The unit is outside, like a big version of an A.C. (air-conditioning) unit.

There have been some problems with the unit's construction, so it is not yet ready. Evidently, the quality control was not the best on the first work that was done to prepare it, so some things are not correct and must quickly be redone. It has to do with the pouring of the concrete for it, and also there are a couple big tire tracks from the concrete truck (or some other construction related vehicle). In any case, the result is that the unit is not level, and the weight is not right inside it.

I hope everything can be made right in time!

[I discussed this dream with Janet. I pointed out that the "salts" reminded me of assaults. And, in fact, it may have been a predictive dream, for later today I had a dermatology appointment in which the doctor said I needed several biopsies, though I had expected only to need one. Two of the places he said needed them had been looked at by this same doctor twice before, when he did not think biopsies were appropriate, as well as earlier by my previous dermatologist. I pointed this out to him, but he suggested there may have been changes since those exams, but that to him it looked like possible cancer, so he still urged the biopsies (which, of course, will mean more money in his pocket). I am now feeling he is more interested in profiting off me than in simply doing what is best for my health.

The way the U.S. healthcare system works, doctors and hospitals are encouraged to do or order unnecessary procedures if they wish to make more money. I believe he could have taken care of everything needed this time, but now he has it set up that I must go back in twice more, once for the expensive biopsies, and once for any cancer (that they reveal) to be removed. Since I do think one lesion is suspicious for cancer, that means even the third appointment could be "warranted," though prior dermatologists have simply burned off such early skin cancers in one appointment (after first taking a small biopsy, that then may assure they get paid more for the cancer removal already done, before any new appointment would be called for).

The dream might have been about that type assault situation, but it could also be about assaults I received in childhood, mostly from my dad, and/or about assaults generally from folks who seek or have sought to bully or take advantage of me.

Janet thinks it is about all these kinds of assault, but that the new baby, who is not quite ready to react or exist more normally, is my ability to stand up for myself in situations in which I am being or about to be assaulted.

She suggests, for instance, that I get a second opinion before allowing the extra biopsies I do not think are warranted, but this circumstance, of not feeling they are appropriate, yet not wanting to confront the issue so head-on as to get a second opinion, now has me in a quandary of self-doubt and indecision. It is not helped that I'll probably have to pay extra for a second opinion appointment, since Medicare and my insurance likely will not recognize that the new appointment is called for, ironic that, if so, since it would mean there is implicit in the system that it is better to just go along with whatever the doctor orders, even when the patient suspects it is merely a way to line the doctor's pockets, than potentially to save money by seeing if another, more disinterested doctor concurs.

Janet's suggestion (that the baby, who is not quite ready, is my ability or willingness to stand up for myself when appropriate) actually does ring true, particularly since my overreaction to this scenario about the indicated biopsies confirms that I am really not quite ready or comfortable with showing dissent when others are perhaps doing things not in my interest.

If there is any positive news in this dream, however, it is that the baby is expected to soon be ready. Janet feels this means I shall make the right decision, even if it is difficult, and soon.

She also thinks the A.C. unit in the dream refers in some pun way to seeing things differently. I suggested it may be about having more unit-y and so a way of seeing that is more integrated.

She thinks the unit not being constructed quite right is another way of saying my capacity for sticking up for myself is currently flawed. It may have to do with how concrete I am or need to be. In other words, I may be either a little too concrete or not concrete enough, and the result is I am not in true balance (level).

She suggests the deep tire tracks mean I am getting tired of not sticking up for myself.

Making everything about the unit right in time may have to do with switching mental modes to the right, so I am thinking about the issue of standing up for myself more from a linear, rational, or analytical framework, giving me another way of adapting to circumstances, one that is typically more decisive than the left or emotional point of view.]

9/13/09 - I did not have a dream to take to dream group today, but there seems to be, through synchronicity, a way that others' dreams in the same meeting are relevant to everyone present. (I suspect much the same thing occurs at Alanon and other meetings.) Or maybe it is just that humans are so alike that normally what is relevant to one of us is also pertinent to most everyone else.

In any case, the themes in the dreams discussed today do seem significant for me in my current situation:

• The idea of someone trying to profit from us rather than genuinely seeking to benefit us with the services for which we are paying them, and so of needing to end that kind of parasitic relationship, to better stand up for and look after ourselves.

• The notion of waiting, combined with creativity and flexibility, for one's higher plan or plane to reveal itself, which will answer some of our current, most pressing concerns.

• Dawning awareness, transition, and transformation.

• Among men (and all the dreams today were men's), having little or no anima or inner feminine energy apparent and so missing the message or example of right attitude and feeling that might be modeled or conveyed by this aspect of the inner realm, and, not insignificantly, also being without much real world interaction or engagement with women.

• Needing a positive, calming, productive activity or work to pursue, one that is rewarding both personally and financially.

• Needing a better orientation to whatever it means personally to be spiritual.

• The idea of writing and/or storytelling.

I had looked forward to seeing my friend, Janet, at the dream group meeting, as she is back in town for the first time in about two months, but she had a minor emergency with her car that needed to be taken care of this afternoon instead. Too bad.

In view of one of the themes (above) from today's dreaming, it may be significant that, just as the last time Janet was in Austin, there are miscommunications, so she and I are having trouble getting in touch normally. Thus, there is little real engagement (or it is mixed up with these failed attempts) between me and Janet, who is of course also one representative of my anima. She called here this evening and could not get through. I, in turn, called the only number I have for her, but it rang and rang and there was neither an answer nor any way to leave a message. (Unlike when she was last here, however, this time I intend not to put much energy into such efforts. It is apparent she wants to get in touch with a number of her friends while she is briefly in town once more, but not to have many true commitments about seeing this one or that one, and I know I am not in her real inner circle, however much she denies having any favorites.)

9/14/09 - Title: "Safe Landing"

I am with one other person in a UFO or flying saucer type craft (one that looks like a kid's spinning top and has a long tapering central extension below), in which we are flying or floating in the air above the ocean. Something goes wrong with the flight mechanism, and we proceed to fall, fast.

"Don't worry! There is a safety device!" I yell to my (?). (I do not know if it was my wife, an unknown anima, my child (a few years old), or a combination of all three that I yell to as we are plummeting.) I'm not really sure at all we'll be OK, though, and while very anxious myself I am just trying to make (the other person) feel better before we crash and may both be killed.

Then the safety device deploys, our uncontrolled descent changes to a slow dropping, and finally we just settle down gradually and gracefully into the sea. A great surrounding circle of balloon, air-resistant and water buoyant, has automatically inflated, that slows our fall almost completely, and we gently drift into the water, the dramatic transition from perilous falling to gentle settling so exhilarating I almost wish we could do it again.

As we are then floating (the long tapering lower part of our craft dipping deeply into the water below), with false confidence I yell to the other person: "See? No problem. It was almost fun, wasn't it?"

[This is the first remembered dream since the one on 9/9 about a baby that needed a special unit or incubator because it was premature and not quite ready. I feel sure this also is at least in part about the recent quandary I have been in over my dermatologist, feeling I should not get the extra biopsies he recommends (that I think may not be warranted), and needing today to do something to resolve the matter satisfactorily.

"Something goes wrong with the flight mechanism" could mean that I am no longer running from but facing the problem head-on. In fact, today I plan to consult my insurance company, cancel the biopsies appointment (to give time for a second opinion), and make an appointment with a new, well recommended dermatologist.

There is a transition looming, and my feelings go from anxiety to exhilaration. I hope this is a predictive dream, suggesting that as I become more familiar and comfortable with expressing dissent I may even find enjoyable this process of responding more appropriately when I think folks are trying to take advantage of me.

Both the image of the flying saucer and the ring of deployed balloon, that surrounds it to slow our descent (dissent?), may be mandalla-like symbols of the unified Self.

The craft we are in is our way of going. At first, after the flight mechanism failure, it is plummeting and seemingly will crash into the emotional, intuitional, and collectively unconscious material represented by the vastness and depth of the ocean. The shock of all that left-sided stuff entering consciousness at once might be too much, and the ego (at least) might die.

However, what looks like a big swimmer's life preserver deploys. It is both air-resistant and water buoyant (buoyed up rather than overwhelmed by the feelings-side, intuitional, unconscious material) and so allows the craft to settle gently into the sea, at a pace that even the ego can deal with comfortably.

The language of the dream suggests something less frantic and more gentle about the kinds of dissent I shall be feeling and expressing.

I cannot tell anything about the other person except that this feels a little more like it is a child a few years old than my anima. This is consistent with my trying to reassure her or him as we descend. The main thing that comes to mind is having started going to dream group meetings around 3-4 years ago. Also, perhaps by this dream my mode of dissent has become a little more mature, no longer a premie.]

9/15/09 - Title: "For Light in the Dark, Let Us Share Our Dreams"

I'm one of a number of friends, men and women, young and old, or other frightened people banded together in an urban area as the sun has just gone down. Soon there will be no light, no utilities of any kind, except for the occasional flashlight, till its batteries are exhausted. This is just the first such night. It will be dark a long time. We know how people will behave when afraid and in the dark. We too will be affected, but at least we have a bit of foreknowledge of this dark time.

Others, not of our band, have begun to arrive too as the light is going. Soon, it is almost totally dark. Mostly, they are acting foolishly, wasting their little bits of light, trying to gain by force, though we and others can easily evade them with a bit of planning and cooperation.

Those who stick together and cooperate will be ahead of the game.

9/18/09 - Title: "You're Going Way Too Fast!"

Scene one - I have an i-phone or some other kind of communication devise (device) with me that has built-in GPS software. I'm walking down a hall near the entrance to a campus building, as if I'm heading for an office or classroom at the university, when a policeman I've just passed, with a radar-type hand-held device, waves me over to his side of the hall, saying something like "You may as well stop and deal with it. I just clocked you at 50 MPH." I am shocked and dismayed. This is my first ticket in about 40 years. I'd not realized that the cops can tell, even when you're now walking, what your speed in the last few minutes had been by wirelessly checking the GPS record in your i-phone. Now I've been caught, no way of getting out of it, going 50 in a 30 zone, trapped by my own device! How frustrating and irritating! And to top it off, I must wait here in this hall while the cop processing (processes) me and my speeding ticket, ruining my good record, along with those of 2-3 other people he's just nabbed.

Scene two - I'm quickly on my way somewhere, walking across a backyard away from a house or other building, approaching the yard's back fence, which I guess I'll climb over, when I hear a loud male voice from behind me (at or near the house?) saying: "Stop. You're going way too fast!"

[Just from the numbers involved, there are indications here of dawning awareness or transformation and of manifestation in reality, transition, waiting, and creativity. The long school building entranceway/hallway I've just entered and am walking down suggests a long period of transition.

In the last few days I've been neglecting much daily meditation, meditation/Alanon literature reading, or routine exercise as I put my emphasis instead on getting several needed things done as efficiently as I can. There had been some mild concern that my priorities, in taking this more practical than meditative approach, were wrong and that, regardless of circumstances or that it feels good to be accomplishing things more noticeably, I ought not sacrifice the more meditative regimen and atmosphere I had cultivated in my life, not even for a single day, much less for two or three days. Nonetheless, I expect to continue with this greater emphasis on doing and accomplishing, at least through a busy weekend.

Some inner conservative policing function shadow part of me is arresting my progress, which I find extremely frustrating, not just that he (it) is doing this but also that I was so easily caught, by my own device (vice or vices?) and in a way that is irrefutable. It would be pointless to argue that my own GPS record was not valid. GPS a pun? Don't know.

There is some ego communication (i-phone) issue.

Lately too, I've been drinking caffeine drinks more than usual in an attempt to stay alert as possible despite less sleep, to get several things done in a short amount of time. The dream may also reflect that this is not a good idea.

Janet interprets some of this dream to mean that by doing other things besides getting enough sleep, meditating, reading helpful literature, or exercising, and by trying to compensate with excessive use of caffeine, I am trying to do more with less but actually am only accomplishing more less well. Also, the lack of sleep plus caffeine can give a "speedy" kind of high and the illusion that I am getting a lot done quickly, but taking better care of myself and of what I am doing would really be the more efficient use of my time. As in the last scene, it appears I am attempting to go over some natural boundary, to extend my capacities unnaturally, when it would be better to slow down and better experience the emotions and intuition available to me in my "shadowland," the backyard I'm instead hurrying to escape, partly with all these too hectic, staying busy kinds of activities.]

9/21/09 - Title: "Right Side Deficit"

I am in a large house (just me living here, I think). But I'm being seen here by an older male doctor (physician) because I have problems with a leg (my right one, I believe).

He is scolding me for not taking better care of it, but I tell him I had just recently noticed there was a problem. There is some pain and weakness (in the right leg, I believe), apparently from relative disuse and atrophy. (I think the doctor recommends physical therapy, especially on that leg, to gradually get its strength and function back even if this might be painful.)

[In reality, I have in the last few days noticed mild pains in my right arm with some movements, as though I have lost some ranges of motion in that limb, except with discomfort, perhaps from a strain and/or relative disuse. I have not been doing my previously usual exercise regimen for the past few days, concerned instead about getting our monthly newsletter completed and out, online, by today's deadline, and had already been consciously aware I shall need to get back into, and even redouble my efforts at, flexibility, strength, or conditioning exercises generally but particularly with that arm.

I think the older doctor may be a wise healer shadow reinforcing my ego concern about letting the exercises slide. But that the deficit is on the right also suggests I'm depriving myself of enough rational, linear, analytical thinking.]

Title: "A Bloody Nuisance"

I am being bugged by at least one mosquito flying around near me. It comes comes (close) to me in front near my chest, but as I move, trying to smash it between my hands, it easily evades them, moving away, then moments later returns, this time closer to my face. Again I try unsuccessfully to slap my hands together, catching and smashing it between them, but it flies out of reach and again I lose track of where it is till its next approach when I may be distracted so it can have a chance to land and then suck my blood.

[I wonder if this is about exercise too, for when I am tired and busy with other things I sometimes think doing conditioning exercises is a bloody nuisance. I expect there is more to it than that, but that is my only association at the moment. Come to think of it, though, it may have to do with being too much into my emotions lately, instead of into reason, so that it might be better if some of that passion (blood) were decreased (as by an inconvenient mosquito or two) relative to the right-sided rationality and analysis. It may even be significant that blood-sucking mosquitoes are all female, so the mosquito in this dream is an anima. Hmm. That might mean she is there to show by example or counter-example either right attitude/feeling or the opposite. What then can I say of this buggy anima? She is at least persistent, intent on going after the blood or passion (so maybe my facile interpretation about being too much into emotions is wrong), and easily able to evade the defensive reactions of the ego (and so kind of unpredictable, random in her movements, suggesting that I too be less compulsive, more defined by spur of the moment to moment impulses, perceptions, and reactions).

Janet suggests there are things I am neglecting or not confronting honestly in my current lifestyle, things that may be small in one way but which, by not being dealt with, are allowed to suck the life out of me. My associations to that are situations in which I am by various behaviors seeking to please others but at my own expense.]

Title: "Cracks in the Foundation"

Cracks have appeared on the floor and some higher structures in my house. The most remarkable are a series of several that have shown up in the bathroom, including several large ones right through my fiberglass bathtub, that is built into the wall and floor space. At least one of these bathtub cracks is about 2 inches wide in places, open to the dark space below. The tub is so cracked it is as if it were an egg that had been smashed, cracking the shell badly in various places. I certainly cannot use the tub in its present condition.

[After the heavy rains a week or so ago, new cracks appeared in our driveway, all the way out to the street, and there was as well some new settling of the house itself, revealed by several stacks or rows of books in a front room having toppled over or slid forward, toward the front of the house. I gather from both these things that there was a general shifting of much of the front area and that at least part of the front of the house was now slightly lower. I looked for cracks in the foundation, but none are as yet apparent. Nonetheless, the signs are worrying. I had for months been watering around the house, partly to prevent that very thing.

Janet says the bathtub is a place of healing transformation, no longer available to me in this circumstance. And an egg is a symbol of new things emerging and growing in one's life. She agrees there is something going on or of which I am concerned now that is metaphorically shaking me to my foundations, but feels the situation is essentially positive. Sometimes things must be broken before they can be repaired and renewed. Things which I am not acknowledging are here represented by the dark space below. They may come out in a darker aspect of my personality. It is significant that it is my place of private self-expression where things are most broken. What am I not expressing? She also feels the dream of disuse and incapacity in one leg suggests that my way of going or moving forward is weak through disuse and that I need a "physical therapy," that is, a way of getting physical to remedy the situation. It might be something as simple as going on longer walks and doing more flexibility exercises, but essentially the problem is not one of de-conditioning but of failing to move forward, to progress in an essential way.

There must be some significance to the cause of the extra concern for our house foundation being not excessive drought, as I had feared for years, but inundation from a lot of rain in a short period of time. This may suggest concern over inundation from too much emotion, intuition, or previously unconscious material, that together could crack the foundation of my Self, leading to the biggest and most numerous cracks appearing in my place of self-expression and particularly in the female-like shape or vessel of the tub, which is now exposed to the shadow side below, but no longer able to hold water (emotions, intuition, unconscious material) for the ego to have a bath or shower. It seems like a worrisome intrusion of uncontrolled natural forces that have to an extent shattered me all the way through my foundation. I can no longer take a bath in my emotions, etc., and then get out after sufficient soaking, at my discretion. Rather, the inundating forces on their own have been affecting things in a more fundamental way, one that the ego at least perceives as quite destructive.]

9/24/09 - Title: "A Muddy Transformation Dilemma"

I am just an observer, not part of the dream content. Three nude women, one of whom is my friend, Janet, are lying face up on the flat roof of a several story high building, but they are lying here in what appears to be a muddy yard, so saturated with water from recent rains that extra water is standing in ponds or puddles here and there throughout the roof space. There is so much mud that the women have partially sunk down into the water and mud, enough if it covering them that it is as though they are not only muddy all over, but sufficient mud covers them in places that it is like they were wearing muddy bikinis. They look like living human sculptures growing up out of an otherwise uniform expanse of the mud and muddy water

[I talked with Janet today about this dream. Between the two of us, we came up with a number of ideas about it. The dream is in some way there to give me orientation or perspective, since I am simply an observer. As there are three animas, this is also about transformation. The building is in the shape of a square, and so the roof is four-sided, which conveys both a sense of boundaries and the idea of manifestation in reality. The animas are there to show by example or counter example right feeling or attitude. We know nothing about the other two animas, but of Janet I would say she is self-confident, well balanced and so versatile in acting out of both emotion and her analytical side, extremely well focused, dogged in a desire to solve difficult but interesting puzzles (as with dreams interpretation or her work as a management consultant), quite competent in her specialties, an empathic and intuitive healer, but also committed to her own growth and to being quite genuine through her several years of involvement with Alanon, and yet easily able to see the amusing side of things. So, the dream is partly to show me the virtue of these qualities, to cultivate them more within myself. However, the setting or context of the dream indicates there is a problem that needs resolution: things are murky or unclear. Janet believes subsequent dreaming will help clarify what the problem is and how to resolve it. The muddy expanse reminds me of my own backyard, combined with my side yard, after the recent heavy rains. This suggests the dream is about side issues as well as aspects of my existence that are in shadow (backyard) and so not fully acknowledged. There is as well the metaphorical representation of my life or Self having several different stories.]

9/25/09 - Title: "Broken Hearted Lover"

Again I am an observer, not part of the dream. Joan Baez is playing her guitar and repeatedly singing, three times I believe, a ballad's chorus or refrain that goes something like: "No, I'm never going back to central Texas!" The impression is that she had a love affair here that had ended badly after her man had done her wrong.

[This is apparently another transformation dream, there to give me orientation or perspective. It seems to be about matters of the heart and so of unrequited or unbalanced love, passionate concerns gone awry. It suggests that a shadow part of myself who, like me, lives in central Texas has not remained well integrated with my anima represented by Joan Baez. The guitar suggests that perhaps he had "quit her." As a late teens teenager and into my early 20s, I had quite a crush on Joan Baez (along with several million other young men, I am sure). Her qualities as I saw them included being a passionate activist for just causes, a woman of strong commitments, having a great folk music talent and so perhaps being very well balanced in things having to do with folk or people, being courageous in her activism, having great command of her medium, being very sexy, and emotionally quite genuine. So, the dream is partly there to recommend the male equivalent of these qualities to me. But it is also there to show the persistence of a dilemma, the split between my Joan Baez anima and the shadow of whom she is singing, by implication, who had done her wrong and who was perhaps not yet man enough or daring enough to remain as her love partner, and so presumably had left and had an affair or relationship with a woman (anima) of lesser qualities. The word "central" suggests my core or spiritual center, a place of complete integration, but because there has been a split (or split-up) the anima represented by Joan Baez will remain distant now from this center, and by definition good integration is not possible, so long as the split persists.]

9/26/09 - Title: "Sharing Shelter with my Sponsor, Charese"

It is night, I think. I am in need of work with an Alanon sponsor, and Charese is my new sponsor. As I am working with her help on the first part of the 12-step program, we get to know each other well and become close. It is as if she were my daughter or granddaughter.

It seems also there is a war going on. I think we are underground, with a number of others, men and women, as in a shelter, and that fighting or bombing is going on above. Some people close to us have died. The situation is awful, but it helps bring the people here in the shelter closer.

[This might be a resolution of the context or problems shown in the above two dreams. Charese is a member of my Alanon newcomers group. She is probably in her late 20s or early 30s, smart, a well balanced person, both into her emotions and her analytical side. She is thin, has a good sense of humor, is very warm and empathetic and so cares about people, and is an "atheist" who in her seven years in Alanon has come to know and rely on her Higher Power more than she thought possible when she had begun the Alanon program.

Analysis indicates the Charese anima is partly there to encourage I take on her qualities. 20s and 30s may be "amped up" 2 and 3 and so indicating a lot of dawning awareness and transformation is occurring. In that the dream indicates I am getting close to this anima, greater integration with my anima and an end to the split noted in the preceding dream appears to be demonstrated. There is also here much more clarity than in the dream on 9/24. Twelve in the I Ching indicates, however, a time of decay or degeneration after a period of growth. It is good, then, that I am to receive the help of a positive anima during this next phase. Work on steps suggests advancement as well. It is consistent with the warning about the meaning of twelve that there is a war occurring between different aspects of my larger Self. The several others, men and women, in this shelter remind me of the members of my Alanon newcomers group, gaining closeness together as we confront common abuse or co-dependence issues that seem otherwise to threaten each of us individually. Although there would seem to be ample reason for concern in this circumstance, there is in addition reason for awe, a fitting response in a group that helps its members come to terms not just with the most harrowing aspects of themselves but also the most spiritual. The dream setting being underground and at night both suggest the realm of the unconscious or of emotions, intuition, and dreams.]

9/27/09 - Title: "Remote Control"

I think I can control a small vessel mentally. In this way, I can operate it remotely, except at times it feels like I am also on the boat. This remote control ability is linked to a distant bright star. I try to keep others from knowing about my ability. So I operate the boat only at night, when folks are asleep, or when others are not around.

For instance, there is a small boat, about 3 feet long, that I control this way so that it goes moving as if on its own through the water that surrounds our house on three sides. I try out the talent. All goes well at first. In fact, I easily control its movements across the Pacific Ocean and through the Panama Canal from my own remote location in Asia. As I do so, the bright star becomes even more brilliant till it outshines the moon.

I am concerned then that, due to the extra brightness, my wife, back in our house, will wake up and realize I have these powers and am using them in this way. For some reason, she might object to this.

I have other concerns. Complications may develop about the ship's movements, or a storm may come up that interferes with how well I can control it. Then, if I operate it from inside our house and Frances knows about it, she may be upset.

Sure enough, even after I have gotten the boat three-fourths of the way around the world, there is a big complication (or confrontation?), Fran learns of my remote in-the-dark activities, and she resents and tries to resist them.

[There are certainly Freudian or sexual interpretations possible here, but from a Jungian standpoint, my anima represented by Fran is offering an example of attitudes or feelings appropriate to the ego. In this case, she is modeling the following, since these are how I would describe her at this time: being relatively tomboyish or masculine (compared with most of her gender in our country), having more control in our marriage (at least if I am not doing enough of my masculine part in this arrangement), and being brilliant at independently going after what gives her pleasure, not relying much at all on her spouse for such satisfactions, whether these involve ordinary pastimes that she finds rewarding apart from me or masturbation rather than our having sex together. So, the lesson here is to be more inclined myself towards independence, control, masculinity, and sexual self-reliance.

The dream also suggests, however, that the anima resists and resents my having dreams without her, i.e. without explorations into the unconscious, intuition, and emotions.

A storm would likely represent negative emotions that might interfere with more frequent and carefree explorations of the unconscious, intuition, and feelings. The idea of storms, on the one hand, and of the pacific sea, on the other, may indicate a polarity between tempestuous and calm seas or emotions.

The references to 3 or in one case to fourths suggest transformation and manifestation in reality.

I am not sure what the bright star and its increasing in intense brightness means, but it seems to have something to do with intelligence (brilliance) as well as spirituality.

I am not getting the symbolism of Panama Canal, but suspect it has something to do with a potential and metaphorical rebirth experience.]

9/28/09 - I went to my dream group meeting yesterday. Among others, we discussed my 9/26 dream about my sponsor, Charese. Highlights discussed:

• The dream sponsor's name, Charese, is an alias or pseudonym, as I change all the names in this journal to better assure confidentiality. However, the group correctly pointed out that the woman's actual name suggests spirituality, a significant factor since I had noted that she is an "atheist."

• So, that, as well as her going from being a total atheist to a relationship with her Higher Power in the several years of her Alanon involvement, indicate issues for me of being well grounded, practical, matter of fact, and skeptical vs. having meaningful spiritual experiences.

• Dreams are stories from the unconscious to the ego with messages or morals. We usually ignore these, but if, instead, we pay attention, the veil gradually gets thinner. In time, if this connection is cultivated, we may come to see things more directly from the unconscious realm. Our egos become more permeable.

• For me, God or no God seems less the question than whether we are aware of the Wonder or the distractions. (Fran proudly asserts her preference for the distractions, like the scientific and photographic study of various bugs, etc. This works for her.)

• Sonya recommends The Red Book, by Carl Jung, about his own descent into the dark side.

• That my dream occurs both at nighttime and underground suggests big time exploration of the unconscious, feelings, and intuition. And the dream group leader believes it signals a shift in me toward more receptivity to my own usually unacknowledged or avoided dark side.

9/29/09 - Title: "On the Beach"

I'm in a combat situation, in an ocean beach area surrounded by high peaks or bluffs, so we must be (cannot avoid being) in or near the water. There are no places to walk free of the water. I am part of a military unit that fights from such conditions. Due to the errors of those in charge, it is taking a long time to move to a setting that is more optimal (personally and combat-wise). Artillery and machine-gun fire pick off some of us during the delay. The water is also cold, so the long wait takes its toll. Once we finally have the go ahead, we do our duty well. Most of us make it out and back safely to the starting point where we are welcomed home by our support troop veterans.

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