Howdy, and welcome to the second entry in a new annual tradition.

 Since I tend to write about the comics I like and mostly give middling to positive reviews all year long, I use New Year's Day as an opportunity to reflect on the comics I didn't review -- the dregs of the comic book industry.

Yes, it's the LWYBM Worst of '98!

 Huzzah!

 Note: For balance, you'll find a glowing review of one of the best superhero books of the 'Nineties -- ASTRO CITY -- after all the dreck.

 Disclaimer: Keep in mind, many more awful comics exist than you'll find listed here; these are only the ones I had the misfortune of reading this year.
 

ARCHIE AND FRIENDS: A HALLOWEEN TALE (Archie Comics)
THE AWAKENING #1-4 (Image Comics)
BATHROOM GIRLS #1-2 (Modern Comics)
JACK KIRBY'S NEW GODS Trade Paperback (DC Comics)
SCARLET ROSE #1 (Scarlet Rose Productions)
SCARLET SHORTS #1 (Scarlet Rose Productions)
SECRET FANTASIES (Bullseye Comics)
777: THE WRATH #1-3 (Avatar Press)
TATTERED BANNERS #1-3 (DC Comics/Vertigo)
VERTIGO VISIONS: DR. THIRTEEN #1 (DC Comics/Vertigo)

ARCHIE AND FRIENDS: A HALLOWEEN TALE was meant to give me fond memories of the Halloween of 1998 for years to come. It was the first year I ever handed out comics to trick-or-treaters. (I threw in some candy too in order to avoid eggings by the sub-literate.) Instead, this book gives me a feeling of betrayal every time I look at the cover.

 Y'see, Archie Comics had a great gimmick advertised in PREVIEWS several months before October. They were printing up special giveaway comics for Halloween. They were selling packets of 30 undersized comics for a mere four bucks apiece. "How convenient and clever," I thought, and I ordered a pack.

 I handed the comics out to many an eager young goblin and ghoul come All Hallow's Eve. The comics were quite a hit with the under-four-foot crowd, especially when they realized they'd still get their peanut-butter cups too. It was quite fun and satisfying.

 Then I sat down and read the comic myself the following week and discovered what I had foisted upon those poor innocent souls. I was expecting a nice, tidy little story with some tame scares and a big advertising section at the end. What I got was one long commercial for Archie Comics with a big advertising section at the end.

Featuring Sabrina the Teen-Aged Witch as a tour guide, A HALLOWEEN TALE is simply an achingly dull travelogue for the Archie Universe. Characters from Archie Comics' Sonic the Hedgehog tie-in comics and members of Archie Comics' defunct superhero line are shoehorned in with Archie and the gang, Josie and the Pussycats, and Cheryl Blossom. (For completists: Rich Koslowski's Three Geeks even have a microscopic cameo.)

 There are no funny jokes. There is no plot. If it wasn't a Halloween giveaway, there'd be no point. I certainly would not have picked this book up for myself. Sure, the art's okay, but it's the same old, unremarkable Archie house style that has been around since the 'Forties. I can find hundreds of Archie comics in almost any nickel bin with the same level of art and much higher story quality. And I guess that's what I'll have to do next Halloween.

 But for now, I have to sit around feeling guilty that I've exposed the future of comics -- the children of today -- to one of the worst examples of comics available today.

 I've been used!

_____

Grade: F

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THE AWAKENING is one long dream sequence.

I despise dream sequences.

 I even despise well-drawn dream sequences.

 And Stephen Blue's THE AWAKENING is one loooooooong dream sequence.

_____

Grade: D-

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BATHROOM GIRLS is all attitude. And it's not an attitude I care for.

 The stars of BATHROOM GIRLS are a group of high school "grrls" who are out to prove they can be just as dumb, obnoxious and violent as the scuzziest teenage boys. They succeed. I'm convinced that they are criminal thugs who should be thrown into juvenile lockup. I'm convinced they are despicable human beings with whom I would never associate in real life. As a matter of fact, I don't even want to read about them.

 The funny thing is, I really love crime comics (STRAY BULLETS and SIN CITY), crime movies ("Reservoir Dogs" and "Pulp Fiction), and crime novels (Andrew Vachss' Burke books and the works of James M. Cain). Criminals can be interesting people.

 The Bathroom girls, however, are not the least bit interesting.

 Maybe it's the fact that I'm too old to enjoy this next generation comic. Maybe it's because I'm male.

 Hmmm.

 No.

 Maybe it's the dreadful scripting and the skeleton-thin plot. Maybe it's the scratchy and blotchy art where only every sixth or tenth panel looks ready for the printing press. Maybe writer/artist Yvonne Majica isn't capable of turning out the funny and interesting grrl stories I enjoy in Sarah Dyer's high-quality ACTION GIRL COMICS anthology.

 Yeah, I think I'm onto something here.

 Here's the funny, punny wrap-up which cannot be avoided: BATHROOM GIRLS ought to be flushed.

_____

Grade: F

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JACK KIRBY'S NEW GODS is the perfect reminder for why I am not a Jack Kirby fan.

 1) The blocky art.
2) The overblown, stiff dialogue.
3) The one-dimensional characters.
4) The wholly unintended campiness.
5) The silly character and place names.
6) The goofy looking machinery

 Sure, Kirby's intentions are good. The heroic and noble acts of Kirby's characters can be admirable at times. But then the Gods of New Genesis open their mouths . . . Or they gesture in some grandiose way with their big square hands and their rectangular fingers . . .

 And I have to laugh or groan or cringe.

 To many people Kirby is a god, the King of comics. I keep trying his stuff, hoping to see some incredibly wonderful aspect of his work that I have previously overlooked. Heck, I'm even ordering the MISTER MIRACLE trade paperback in hopes of finding that elusive streak of greatness. But I'm pretty sure Kirby is a classic case of "the emperor's new clothes."

 On the plus side, I hope the inexpensive black-and-white Jack Kirby trade paperbacks sell well enough that DC starts reprinting some of the real treasures buried deep in its archives in the same format. I also am heartened by Marvel's "Essential" trade paperbacks, which package large chunks of back issues into inexpensive black-and-white comic phone books. Yes, I love reprints!

 Well, unless they're Jack Kirby reprints . . .

_____

Grade: D-

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SCARLET ROSE represents a great disappointment for me. Creator and writer Frank Rosa was responsible for a wonderful but obscure comic called VARIATIONS ON THE THEME (LWYBM March 1997, Grade: B+). It was full of thoughtful and intriguing short stories which were truly written for adults.

 Now, Rosa has reduced himself to writing "adult comics" -- as in pornography. (As in, not for children!)

 And he's not really very good at it.

 SCARLET ROSE features a college age heroine who must rescue a woman who has been kidnapped by a hostile alien. The alien's invasion plan involves planting seeds in the various orifices of Earth's women, so we are subjected to an extended, degrading rape scene which is made all the more misogynistic by having the victim appear to enjoy the violation. It doesn't help that the manga-style drawings of penciler Aginaldo Inacio and inker Frank Rosa make the adult female characters appear to be approximately fifteen years old.

 This is sick crap, folks.

_____

Grade: F

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[A First Amendment aside:

I avoid labeling SCARLET ROSE as "obscene" because that word has been abused in the ongoing crusade to infringe upon Americans' right to free speech. When the Founding Fathers laid down our right to free expression, no exception was made for "obscenity." The only obscenity I perceive is the use of the word "obscene" to suppress the right of a free press.

 To quote the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States:

 "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press . . ."

 Not a single mention of obscenity anywhere, folks.

 No law. NO law. NO LAW!

 So yes, SCARLET ROSE is sick crap. But it's protected sick crap, and I'll defend Rosa's right to put this crap on paper whenever he wants -- even though you could never force me to buy another issue of this crap in a million years. Go figure.

 This has been an unpaid advertisement for the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund (http://cbldf.org/index.html).]
 
 

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SCARLET SHORTS is a sister book to SCARLET ROSE. It's more porn written by Frank Rosa, but it's not nearly as offensive. The art by Rick Death and Louis Paradis is also more erotic. However, like most porn, these are incidents rather than stories.

 And when you can rent a tape of the real stuff at your local video store for about the same price, why buy a black-and-white comic?

_____

Grade: D

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SECRET FANTASIES is a romance comic. I like to read the occasional romance comic because it can be a fun and offbeat change of pace. Or, as in this case, it can make you want to run off and beat someone in the face.

 Dan Parent draws well but writes . . . not so well.

 Cut to the chase: this is drivel.

_____

Grade: D

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777: THE WRATH is unreadable.

 Timothy Vigil's artwork is grotesquely compelling, even if the anatomy is a bit off at times.

 But the script by David Quinn is grotesque, period.

 The Wrath is a scumbag who was betrayed and murdered by his fellow scumbags. A demonic angel resurrects our "hero" as the Wrath, an avenging ghoul for God. The Wrath proceeds to kill his turncoat colleagues. Quinn ladles on the violence and throws in heavy doses of graphic sex. Indeed, sex and violence seems to be the only point here.

 Quinn cancels out what little appeal the sex and violence may have, however, with hideous stream-of-consciousness text pieces and mindless dialogue packed with enough vulgarity to fill any sewer.

 Since Quinn is so fond of the "F" word, my grade for this book is truly appropriate.

_____

Grade: F

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TATTERED BANNERS is surrealistic garbage.

 Banner is the only normal man in an ever-changing world. Literally. Every so often something in the world changes. Everyone starts pronouncing the letter "O" as *. Women grow gullets, fleshy baby-toting slings that hang from their chins. Dogs become giant man-eating monsters hunted by heavily armed paramilitary dogcatchers. Noses disappear. People grow extra eyes.

 I'm sure this is all some heavy and deep allegory about the alienation felt by the average man in the modern world.

 But I don't care.

 It's silly and stupid, and I don't like it. Shame on writers Alan Grant (DC Comics' BATMAN: SHADOW OF THE BAT, LOBO, and ANARKY) and Keith Giffen (DC Comics' LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES and AMBUSH BUG); they should know better.

 If the story were better, I might be generous and call Mick McMahon's artwork bold and different. But since the story sucks, McMahon's artwork comes off as weirdly geometrical and unnecessarily jagged.

 I want my money back!

_____

Grade: D-

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VERTIGO VISIONS: DR. THIRTEEN is the story of an ass.

Terrence Thirteen is a "skeptical rationalist" who tries to debunk the supernatural and other things he dislikes as hoaxes. Like any person who takes a philosophy to the extreme, Thirteen is basically impossible to live with. His wife is leaving him because his "unbearable superiority and condescending smugness." Despite claiming to be the "sanest man alive" -- due to his logical way of approaching life -- Thirteen is most definitely going insane. The ostensible plot -- a malicious Artificial Intelligence has designs of world domination or somesuch -- comes and goes in the background behind Thirteen's rants with no real purpose or reason.

 Why did writer Matt Howarth (THOSE ANNOYING POST BROTHERS) think I would want to read a boring story about a crazy butthead?

Why is the fine artwork by penciler Michael Avon Oeming and inker Howarth wasted under such dreadful captions and word balloons?

 Why, oh, why did I buy this?

_____

Grade: F

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(In this space, I usually tell if the reviewed comics are available in PREVIEWS this month or if they have an associated web site. With these comics, who cares?)
 

ASTRO CITY Volume 1 #1-6 (Image Comics)
ASTRO CITY Volume 2 #1/2-15 (Homage Comics/Image Comics)

DC Comics helped redefine superhero comic books in the 80s with the publication of WATCHMEN and BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. These two limited series crystallized the grim-'n'-gritty and apocalyptic movements. They began a tradition of deconstructing the role of the superhero in a real society -- taking the consequences of superpowers to logical extremes in futuristic settings or alternate realities-- that has lasted well into the 90s. It's my hope that Image Comics' (soon to be DC Comics') ASTRO CITY represents the next wave in superhero comics: thoughtful tales of hope and wonder that respect the long history of comics.

 ASTRO CITY is a labor of love for writer Kurt Busiek (AVENGERS, IRON MAN, THUNDERBOLTS, MARVELS), interior artists Brent Anderson (STRIKEFORCE: MORITURI) and Will Blyberg (DNAGENTS), and cover artist Alex Ross (MARVELS, UNCLE SAM, KINGDOM COME). Indeed, ASTRO CITY is blessed to have such outstanding covers by painter-without-peer Ross and the fine interior artwork by Anderson and Blyberg. But while they are all collaborators in the creation, ASTRO CITY's greatness is almost entirely attributable to Busiek.

 Busiek's wonderful stories change viewpoint for each issue or story arc. As in MARVELS, many stories are told from the perspective of ordinary mortals who look on with respect, fear, and awe as the superheroes struggle with world-threatening menaces in the skies above Astro City. Most stories are told from the perspective of the heroes or villains of Astro City, putting a fresh spin on the hoary old icons of comics. Astro City has its own versions of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman & Robin, the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, Captain America, and so on. Busiek reinvents these archetypes, giving them depth and character that make the clones superior to the originals. (Take that, Spider-Man!)

 Busiek also varies the way his stories are presented. Each issue of the first volume of ASTRO CITY (collected as ASTRO CITY: LIFE IN THE BIG CITY) is a self-contained story focusing on a single character while giving tantalizing glimpses of the complex world Busiek has created and the dozens of heroes with which he has peopled it. With the second volume, Busiek begins to give deeper insights into his heroes by interspersing continued sagas with the single-issue stories. Issues #4-9 tell the saga of the Confessor and Altar Boy -- Roman Catholic doppelgangers of Batman and Robin -- and their fight against shapechanging alien invaders (Skrulls, anyone?). Issues #11-12 examine the serious repercussions superheroics have on fatherhood through the jesting hero known as Jack-in-the-Box. And issue #13 begins the saga of the villain known as Steeljack, who is trying to reform himself by becoming a detective. His only credential as a private investigator is that he looks like Robert Mitchum in "The Big Sleep," but his desire for reform is strong and my interest in his tale is high.

 The single issue stories are the best, however, and my favorite ASTRO CITY story remains the one from the first issue of the first series. In it, Samaritan -- the equivalent of Superman in Astro City -- counts the seconds of flight he is allowed to enjoy as he zips from crisis to crisis. With supreme power comes supreme responsibility, Busiek shows us, as Samaritan's greatest joy in life totals up to mere minutes in the course of twenty-four hours. "In Dreams" is the best Superman story never published by DC Comics.

 I could rave forever about ASTRO CITY, but suffice it to say, ASTRO CITY is the best superhero comic of the '90s. Buy it today and hope that its influence is felt for years to come.

_____

Grade: A+

(ASTRO CITY LIFE IN THE BIG CITY TP and ASTRO CITY Volume 2 #17 are solicited this month in PREVIEWS by DC Comics/Homage on page 89!)

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Copyright Rodney J. Brown 1999
Last Update: 3/5/99