Most months the theme for this kolumn is so obvious it just kind of kicks me in the kranium. I've apparently taken a few too many kicks to the kranium, however, bekause this month it took a shoe horn, aksle grease, and dukt tape to kram a tenuous konnection into the following komik book reviews. Kan you guess it? Kan you forgive me?
 

DORK #1-3 (Slave Labor Graphics)
HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS IF YOU'RE A COMIC BOOK GEEK (3 Finger Prints)
THE THREE GEEKS #1-3 (3 Finger Prints)

One of the great aspects of comic book collectors is our ability to make fun of ourselves. We can get entirely caught up in the world of comics, becoming grimly serious about the outcome of a battle between Superman and the Hulk. Yet we can still accept and enjoy the occasional reality check or wake-up call. Two recent examples of this self-mocking genre are found in the pages of Evan Dorkin's DORK and in the adventures of Rich Koslowki's three comic book geeks.

HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS IF YOU'RE A COMIC BOOK GEEK is a mildly amusing handbook to dating. The title geek, Keith, is an average comic book slob who one day realizes that something may be missing from his comic-centric life. He calls together his two closest friends -- Allen, who worships Stan Lee and speaks like a cast-member of THOR, and Jim, who worships and dresses like the Punisher -- and explains the dilemma. "So! To summarize: 1) We're geeks! 2) We're comic book geeks! 3) We're girlfriendless comic book geeks!! Something must be done!" (Page 2) After the three geeks' brainstorming session fails to generate any good ideas, Koslowski breaks the fourth wall to begin a dialogue with Keith and offer dating tips. Koslowski's advice is fairly simple and intelligent, but Keith's geekiness constantly trips him up, providing most of the laughs throughout the rest of the book. It's good, clean fun.

(By the way, it sure can be hard to pick up girls if you're a comic book geek, but let my marriage stand as testament to the fact that it is not impossible. I cannot stress enough the importance of female-friendly comics, such as ELFQUEST or SANDMAN, to the process, however.)

HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS IF YOU'RE A COMIC BOOK GEEK and its three comic book geek protagonists were popular enough that Koslowski created a sequel series called, appropriately, THE THREE GEEKS. Subtitled "Going to the Con," the first three issues of THE THREE GEEKS follows the geeks to a huge, three-day comic book convention. The trials and tribulations of waiting in lines for admission and autographs, searching for an ever-elusive mint-copy back issue, enduring portfolio reviews, sitting through panels, and entering costume contests are all addressed in a humorous, though not entirely exaggerated, manner. Koslowski's cartoony drawing style backs up the gentle humor perfectly.

Whereas Koslowski offers a friendly poke in the ribs, the "Eltingville Club" feature in Evan Dorkin's DORK #3 plants an icepick firmly in the ear. Dorkin exaggerates all the worst qualities of comic book geeks to create a group of despicable, back-biting losers with poor hygiene. The members of the Eltingville Comic-Book, Science-Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, and Role-Playing Club can barely tolerate each other and frequently torture each other mercilessly. Their binding tie is the fact that no one else in Eltingville shares their interests or levels of obsession. (No one in this club would benefit from any of the tips in HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS IF YOU'RE A COMIC BOOK GEEK; they are way past redemption from their geekhood.) Dorkin's humor in the "Eltingville Club" feature -- and in almost all his work -- is mean-spirited, cynical, sadistic, and generally dark. My favorite type!!

I love DORK because it brings together reprints and original stories of Dorkin's angriest, funniest tales. The angry attitude of DORK is evident right from the cover of the first issue: a group of clench-jawed people mill around, each one thinking, "I @*!?#! HATE EVERYBODY!" DORK is filled out with a variety of one-page gags and short strips. "The Murder Family" feature skewers television sitcoms by having a cutesy nuclear family commit repeated homicides with a laughtrack accompaniment. "Fisher-Price Theatre" condenses and satirizes great works of literature like CATCHER IN THE RYE using those little two-inch-tall, armless, legless, wooden Fisher-Price dolls to represent the novel's characters. "Milk and Cheese" strips are also included. (See the January 1998 LWYBM for a review of the MILK AND CHEESE comic series, Grade: A-.) Always, however, Dorkin keeps coming back to the comic book industry and its fans. Every issue of DORK is certain to contain a cheap slam or scathing critique of retailers, creators, fans, publishers and distributors.

 So whether you prefer your satire soft or hard, blunt or jagged, civilized or savage, you'll be satisfied with the choices available this month. Koslowski and Dorkin both supply a heaping pile of humor that will ring true to any comic book fan. All that's required for admission is a few bucks and a sense of humor about yourself, your friends, and the wonderful world of comic books.
 
 

_____	HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS IF YOU'RE A COMIC BOOK GEEK	Grade: C+
_____	THE THREE GEEKS	Grade: B-
_____	DORK	Grade: A-

(DORK #6 and an "Eltingville Club" t-shirt are solicited this month by Amaze Ink/Slave Labor Graphics in PREVIEWS on page 191! HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS IF YOU'RE A COMIC BOOK GEEK and THREE GEEKS #1-3 are offered again this month in PREVIEWS on page 299!)

(Evan Dorkin's personal web page is at http://www.houseoffun.com.)

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KILROY IS HERE #0-10 (Caliber Comics)
KILROY: DAEMONSTORM (Caliber Comics)
KILROY: REVELATIONS (Caliber Comics)
KILROY: THE SHORT STORIES (Caliber Comics)

"Kilroy was here."

 This bit of graffiti shows up repeatedly in the photographs of World War II war-torn rubble. Really. It's origins are lost in mystery, but the phrase became a slogan for American G.I.'s in most every theater of combat during that epic struggle. Writer Joe Pruett has taken that bit of graffiti trivia and turned it into a moody and moving comic book series featuring a powerful and enigmatic drifter named Kilroy.

 Kilroy is an amalgamation of some of my favorite occult heroes of the DC Universe. Like the Spectre, Kilroy is a cruel avenger who has no mercy for those who are evil at heart. Like the Phantom Stranger, Kilroy mysteriously appears wherever he is needed and his background is shrouded in mystery. Like John Constantine, Kilroy looks cool skulking about in a long, rumpled trenchcoat.

While derivative at first glance, Kilroy is stunningly original thanks to Pruett's terrific storytelling. Pruett tears his ideas from history books and today's headlines. Kilroy's experiences span from World War II, through the Vietnam War, to Tiananmen Square, to Somalia, to Sarajevo. Kilroy is drawn to evil. When fate allows, he stops evil before it can strike. Too often however, Kilroy is devastated to find innocence crushed and himself with no function other than vengeance. At the same time, the role of executioner is necessary for Kilroy's survival, as he lives off the life force of others. We do not know how Kilroy came to be in this bleak situation; all we do know is that he is hunted by both the angels of heaven and the demons of hell. Until such time as the forces of lightness or darkness destroy him, Kilroy is immortal.

 My main reservation about KILROY comes from the cloudy nature and background of the lead character. Writing this type of character is a careful tightrope walk, balancing between the reader's frustration of knowing too little and the reader's disillusionment at finding out too much. By concentrating on the people and situations Kilroy encounters, Pruett has managed the highwire act pretty well. Be warned also, that despite the occasional ray of hope, many KILROY stories are unrelentingly depressing. This is not a feel-good book, folks.

 The artwork on KILROY is as somber and dark as the writing. Caliber Comics has drawn upon its large stable of artists to chronicle Kilroy's travels, with Ken Meyer, Jr.; Phillip Hester; and Mike Perkins illustrating the majority of KILROY tales. The character's dark and gloomy nature seems to have helped Caliber to attract a wide-ranging group of artists for the pin-up gallery which appears in every issue. Pin-up contributors include Tony Harris, Vincent Locke, Terry Moore, Paul Pope, Guy Davis, Ray Snyder, Craig Hamilton, Steve Rude, Wayne Vansant, Paul Grist, Mark Badger, Galen Showman, Bernie Mireault, Brent Anderson, Jim Calafiore, and Dan Brereton.

 Let me end by saying that I was starting to get worried about Kilroy. The KILROY IS HERE series ended back in 1996, and the KILROY: DAEMONSTORM special was the only Kilroy title published in 1997. I thought Kilroy was gone, and that made me sad. But this month Caliber Comics offers a new KILROY #1, and that makes me happy. Dare I say it? Yeah. Kilroy is here!

_____

Grade: B

(KILROY #1 is solicited this month in PREVIEWS on page 222!)

(Caliber Comics offers several KILROY cover shots and oodles of background information at http://www.calibercomics.com/kilroy.htm.)

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BLACKJACK Volume One #1-3 (Dark Angel Productions)
BLACKJACK Volume Two: Blood & Honor #1 (Dark Angel Productions)

Remember the wild and relentless action of the "Indiana Jones" movies? Set in the 1930's just before World War II, BLACKJACK invokes the spirit of those films but has a major twist: instead of Harrison Ford, imagine "Indiana" played by Ving Rhames.

 "Blackjack" is a African-American mercenary named Arron Day. His adventures, set in 1935, carry him around the globe. While Day is frequently forced to deal with the prejudices of the people around him, BLACKJACK is not a contemplative study on race. Instead, it's an all-out action yarn with a feverish pace and a main character who just happens to be black.

In the first BLACKJACK mini-series, Day is driven by personal demons to hunt down and confront an Egyptian brigand who humiliated Day's father seventeen years earlier. In the second series, "Blood & Honor," Blackjack travels to Japan to protect an advocate of peace who has been targeted by business and military interests for assassination. Frequent gunfights and hand-to-hand combat will keep any action junkie fully engaged while surreptitiously slipping him a little bit of historical information.

 With a style lying somewhere between Joe Kubert and Howard Chaykin, Joe Bennett's artwork in the first BLACKJACK series is truly superb. His dynamic panels are marred only by occasionally confusing layouts which may cause a reader to view panels in the incorrect order. The second BLACKJACK series is drawn by a group of artists named Lashley, Batista and Caesar. They do a good job, falling only a little short of the standard set by Bennett. Unfortunately, the trio perpetuates Bennett's tradition of occasional poor flow between panels.

 Writer Alex Simmons deserves an immense amount of praise for creating an engaging hero and the interesting scenarios, and I only wish I could extend the praise to his writing. While Simmons' dialogue is crisp and credible, the narrative text is distractingly over-written. Simmons needs to overcome the urge to cover the fabulous artwork of his collaborators with captions filled with needless verbiage. Also, Simmons' plots aren't overly complex, which allows the action sequences to overwhelm the book, giving the reader plenty of sound and fury with little significance.

In BLACKJACK -- as in many of the comics being produced today -- good art is hampered by mediocre (but promising!) writing. But still -- unlike many comics being produced today -- the character of Arron Day reaches out and grabs me, and I plan to catch his future adventures whenever possible.

_____

Grade: C

(BLACKJACK Volume Two: Blood & Honor #3 is solicited this month in PREVIEWS on page 237.)

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YIKES Volume Two #1 (Alternative Press)
TYKES (Alternative Press)

YIKES and TYKES represent a creepy alternate take on Charles Schulz's PEANUTS, as if Charlie Brown and Linus were starring in a horror movie under the direction of David Lynch. Writer/artist Steven Weissman has taken cute-little-kid stories into bizarre and twisted territory.

 Let's carry out the PEANUTS analogy to its fullest extent. The "hero" of YIKES and TYKES is a Charlie Brown-class loser named Pullapart Boy. His name comes from the fact that his head and limbs are detachable. Pullapart Boy's Linus-like best friend is Li'l Bloody, a vampire. Pullapart Boy's nemesis, like Charlie Brown's Lucy, is the irresistibly cute but evil-at-heart "Sweet" Chubby. Even the goofy and grim Snoopy has a doppelganger in the addle-brained-yet-tortured zombie puppy named Elzie Crisler. Finally, as Charlie Brown has the brain-dead Sally for a little sister, Pullapart Boy's little brother is a brainless zombie named Dead Boy. When these tots get together for an adventure, you can be sure that Pullapart Boy is going to be left holding the brown and sticky end of the stick.

 Now let's take the David Lynch analogy to its fullest extent. The visuals and dialogue in YIKES and TYKES are disturbing yet intriguing. The stories have their own internal logic despite appearing ludicrous on the surface. In the end, though, one feels cheated somehow. As in Lynch's movies, the creepy atmosphere is undercut by the fact that it has no real point. Indeed, the surreal nature of the creepiness becomes an end unto itself. It's the literary equivalent of empty calories as far as I'm concerned; the reader gets a sugar rush but is left unfulfilled.

 In the end, YIKES comes within a hair's breadth of making the cut, but I don't see myself buying this book in the future. If weirdness for weirdness' sake is your cup of tea, you might want to give the tykes of YIKES a try.

_____

Grade: C-

(YIKES Volume Two #2 is solicited this month in PREVIEWS on page 190.)

(YIKES and TYKES promotional material is on view on-line at http://www.indyworld.com/yikes/.)

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DICKS #1-4 (Caliber Comics)

The title of DICKS ostensibly refers to the occupation of its Northern Ireland protagonists, Ivor Thompson and Dougie Patterson. In the hard-boiled parlance of Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler, "dicks" are private detectives. In the case of DICKS, however, the secondary meaning of "dicks" also applies, providing an accurate description of the duo's bad attitudes. Ivor and Dougie's ideas of practical jokes usually involve laxatives, sexual humiliation or bloodshed . . . and those are just the ones they play on each other.

 Right from the get go, let me tell you that DICKS is a major disappointment. Garth Ennis and John McCrea are, respectively, the writer and artist of DC Comics' extremely funny HITMAN series (Grade: B+, see the December 1997 LWYBM for details). Ennis is also the writer of the incredibly wonderful PREACHER series (DC Comics, Grade: A+). That such talented fellas could create such a foul, mediocre mess as DICKS is baffling to me. The only possible explanation occurs in the fourth and final issue of the DICKS limited series, where Ennis mentions in an afterword that he originally wrote the script back in 1991. He has obviously come a long way as a writer in the meantime.

 So what's wrong with DICKS? Nothing, really, if you believe bathroom humor to be the highest form of comedy. Ennis manages to work every possible human excretion into a gag in the course of the book. (The secondary meaning of "gag" also applies in this case.) It's to Ennis' credit, that some of these gags are actually clever and original, but how much demand is there, really, for clever and original jokes about excrement? Wait, upon considering the success of the films of Jim Carrey, I retract that question. Anyhow, the questionable gags are strung on a whisper thin plot involving Ivor and Dougie getting on the bad sides of the town bully, a local mobster, and the ghost of Ivor's dead uncle. Carnage and gore top off the sickness regularly perpetrated throughout the book.

 DICKS also suffers from McCrea's worst artwork ever. Unlike the fine work he contributes to HITMAN, DICKS is full of fast, frantic and sloppy drawings. The best that can be said of McCrea's art on DICKS is that it complements the story perfectly.

 Where does DICKS succeed? The sheer audacity of the book is its major strength. Every other word is obscene; I don't think I've ever been subjected to such a plethora of profanity outside of a Quentin Tarantino movie. The dialogue, by the way, is written in a heavy Irish brogue. On the down side, that means word balloons can take several minutes to decipher, but on the up side, that means the reader can learn a whole new vocabulary of Irish obscenities. It's refreshing that the lead characters are unrepentantly evil and stupid, learning nothing in the course of their adventures and having not a single warm-and-fuzzy moment. Finally, I have to admire the coup pulled off by Caliber Comics of luring Ennis to their small company when he's one of the hottest writers in the entire comic book industry. (And right before Ennis signed an exclusivity deal with DC Comics last week.)

 Despite the "Mature Readers" warning label on the cover, DICKS is most assuredly aimed at immature readers -- or die-hard Garth Ennis completists who must have every syllable he's ever typed included their collection. Y'know, like me.

_____

Grade: D+

(Attention, Garth Ennis anal-retentives, the DICKS BONUS PACK is solicited this month in PREVIEWS on page 221!)

(Cruise on over to http://www.calibercomics.com/dicks.htm for a DICKS cover image, some background information, and a short interview with John McCrea.)

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