This site is dedicated primarily to women who have been "dumped" (the term used for the person who did not want the divorce), because I can write only from that perspective. However, it may be beneficial for men who were dumped by their wives, and for couples in long-term relationships that break up. In fact, I have heard from men who said this site is extremely helpful to both sexes. In addition, some (but not all) of the aspects and issues discussed, such as the stages of grief, will be of benefit to people who have lost a spouse through death.

A little bit of background:

At mid-life (around age 50), my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married. It wasn't that simple; things led up to it. Nevertheless, he wanted out. He decided he no longer loved me; in fact, he said he hadn't loved me for a long time. He didn't want the responsibility of a home, the children, or work. He was "tired of marriage and tired of trying," he said. He said he should have left a long time ago, never mind the fact that he continued to tell me he loved me through all of those years. Oh, how that hurt!

According to Dr. James Dobson, the noted psychologist who has a newspaper column and television commentary, my husband did what many husbands do when they decide they want a divorce. Dr. Dobson says that when one person gets tired of a marriage and its responsibilities and breaks up the marriage, the other spouse tends to take on the guilt for the end of the marriage. In fact, the person who breaks up the marriage tends to shift the blame to the other person so that they won't feel so bad.

Dobson stated that although it usually takes two people to end a marriage, the person who wants out (the one who usually has the affair) tends to maximize the faults of the other, further causing them to feel responsible. He makes the person being "dumped" feel that if they had just met his needs he wouldn't have had to go out and find someone else, therefore even further transferring the blame on them.

That is exactly what happened to me. My ex-husband picked fights, set things up so that I couldn't win for losing, and made it seem that everything was my fault. He refused to see a counselor; in fact, he said that there was nothing wrong with him, and that once I was"fixed" by going to one, things would be O.K. Looking back, he had no intention of trying, but I refused to see it because I still loved him.

His leaving left me devastated, wondering what I could have done to prevent it. As it turned out, there was nothing I could have done. If one person stops wanting to be married, it is not possible for the other to hold the marriage together, no matter how much they love them or how hard they try.

So, what was left for me? I had to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and try to get on with what was left of it. It was a difficult process, but eventually I started to heal. It took years, though, for me to get over him. It has taken more years to deal with being rejected and repair the damage that was done to my self esteem.

What I have put on these web pages came from the therapy I underwent, the books I read, and the things I learned as I tried to heal my hurt and pain. I also attended two different divorce recovery groups, and ended up working with those groups as a facilitator for three years in one and five years in another. I finally moved on enough that I didn't feel like I needed to stay with those groups because I had healed enough to get on with my life.
The pain has gone, but the memories tend to linger, and sometimes the feelings of hurt are triggered by something out of the blue. The sad feelings I thought were gone will always there, buried, because we shared so many years (28) together. The soul, I believe, will always contain those feelings.
But for now- I have moved on, and I have found a new and good life. I have found that my first marriage would never have given me the happy, fulfilling life that I now have. We have to accept what has happened, and then move on to another life that holds more for us.

Wanting to give back some of what others so lovingly gave me, I decided to try to reach out to people. Giving people hope that it is possible to have a life after divorce makes me feel like there is still a purpose for my life.

I do not pretend to be an expert, nor am I a licensed counselor. I'm just a person who survived divorce, learned a great deal about how divorce affects a person, and how to live through it. I want to pass it on to others. I hope that some of what I have written will help make it easier for you.
I must stress that to recover, you have to do a lot of work. Time alone will not heal you to the point where you are a whole person, healthy person. You have to work through it all. It takes time to do that.

Please Note:

I do appreciate hearing from some of you when you write to tell me that these pages have helped you. I have heard from quite a few people who think I can help them personally. Unfortunately, I'm not a counselor or a therapist, so I would like to ask that you not write to me seeking advice. I don't know your situation, I haven't heard the other side, I don't know who you are or what you are all about, and most of all, I'm not qualified to give you advice. The few times I tried to do this, I made the person mad because they didn't like what I told them. Sometimes it hurts to hear things you are unprepared to hear because you aren't ready to accept the truth.

Please take me seriously when I tell you to see a counselor or a therapist if you are having an unusually hard time dealing with your divorce. You need to talk to someone who is trained to deal with these things - someone who will get to know you and your situation. I can't stress this enough. They can help you. And if they aren't helping, change therapists or counselors. Sometimes a person can relate to one therapist and not another.

"The reason most of us won't let go of what we have is that we don't really believe that something better is in front of us. So we hang on desperately to what was. Until you let go of what was, you don't get the beautiful stuff of what can be. In living that life of truth where things can get better, they are going to get better."
By Earnie Lawson, "Relationships"

"The tragedies that now blacken and darken the very airs of Heaven for us will one day sink into their places in a scheme so august, so magnificent, so joyful, that we shall laugh for wonder and delight." (Author unknown)

The above statement happened to me. I was so depressed and down that I didn't think that I would ever be happy again. I kept reading and remembering those words, and I remember the day that I actually was able to laugh with delight. I also remember thinking, "Wow! I laughed and actually felt good." I was in my garden at the time, and that was the beginning of my realizing that I was healing..

Read these pages. Cry when you need to. Let the feelings come up, and learn to accept them. Work on yourself. You have a good life ahead of you to live.
I wish each and every one of you happiness in the future.
You are entitled to it, so claim it.

Here are the links to my pages:

	"The Stages of Grief" Discusses the 5 Stages of Grief
	"His Plan For Your Life" Hope for a new life with the right person.
	"Life's Lessons" Why We Have to Go Through Pain
	"Prayers for Serenity and Peace" Prayers For When You Feel Lost and Alone
	"The Garden of Serenity and Peace" 3 Pages of Uplifting Affirmations and Verses
	"Comes the Dawn" A Poem of Survival
	"The Weaving" The Plan For Our Lives
	"My Love Story" There really can be Happiness after Divorce.
	"Can I Save My Marriage?" A Look At Realism In Divorce
	"A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime" Why marriages sometimes don't last a lifetime
	"B.E. (The Beginning Experience)" A weekend retreat that will help you heal from your loss
	"Real Life" What happens in real life isn't what we expect
	"Things to Ponder" Some "tidbits" to make you think about your life.
	"The End" Why and How it ends.
	Let Them Go When someone walks away, let them go.
	"What is Love?" Examines what love is.
	Hurricane Katrina Losses Looks at the myriad of losses involved with Katrina.
	Good-bye Letter for Divorce and Death This often helps with closure

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