It's 2 in the morning. There's no beer in the fridge, and you don't feel like going to bed OR staying awake. So what do you do? That's right! You start looking for something to watch. Your ashtray slowly fills up with cigarette stubs - and then you find it.
THE INFOMERCIAL you've never seen. Is it the anti-laser car wax? The ironing board cover? That hoity-toity excersize machine that costs almost eight hundred bucks? Or is it the "shark attack vaccume" that eats screws?

Oh no, it's Jay Kordich, the eyebrow guy!

Oh no, it's Jay Kordich, the eyebrow guy!

Stovetop ovens, rotisserie gizmos, folding barbecues, miracle weight loss pills, knives, laundry dye remover; you name it, it's probably being hawked on late-night TV. Names like Ron Popeil, Joe Fowler and Auntie Audrey are forever burned into your mind, as you numb it even more by watching Jay Kordich grind up carrots & celery in a big noisy plastic juicer. His eyebrows are big enough to use as rat traps. Click! Channel change. Now there are some poor boobs smearing this white crap all over their golf clubs, and you can too. Another channel change, and another commercial. This time, it's some woman jumping up & down and stooping over like she's gonna ralf in a toilet any second now. After watching this one, you'll never get to sleep anymore. So what do you do?
Do you fish through your wallet for a credit card and call those butt monkeys, or do you instead call the plumber to have a toliet installed next to your TV chair so you can just turn and puke?

In all their glory, here are some of the gems of the late-night infomercial scene. I have given each one of the featured shows a feces-feature rating of 0 to 5 Toilet Seats.

1 seat (or less) denotes a commercial so awful, disgusting or irritating that you want to throw a bowling ball through your TV screen or come at the TV with a hatchet and chop out the speaker. A 5-toilet seat rating merits watching the program in awe, over and over and over again; night after night after night.
An infomercial so foul and horrible you want to come at the TV with a hatchet and chop out the picture tube may not receive any seats at all, but instead a broken toilet brush symbol

will appear.
We all watch them, and we all know it. Just that some of us prefer to remain in the closet about it.
Now where did I put the number for that guy who sells those black market 5-gallon Canadian toliets?

UPDATE 01-17-02: I HAVE SENT AWAY FOR THE "BAGLESS STICK SHARK" VACUME CLEANER!!!
Be sure to read my ongoing "review" of it! Let's see how fast I can destroy that fucker!

Rocket Chef

Would you believe I actually bought one of these fucking things too?!?

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Since 06-02-1999, people have done the Late Night TV Fece thing here.
This site last updated: 02-12-02

The Infomercial Toilet GUESTBOOK

Throw a shoe at the TV & write on the wall Turn TV on and read what's on the wall

And NOW, a word from our "sponsors"...(that's YOU!)

"Hey man,
I never laughed so hard at your critiquing of my product. I invented Golf
Pro in a Bottle. Two patents, 15K in legal bills (still mounting) and a
pile of dept and all I get is one toilet seat?
Isn't America beautiful...the laugh made it all worth while."

[name withheld to protect privacy and maybe prevent a shooting]

"I am in the infomercial business and many of the shows you review are my
clients. Your reviews are so incredibly funny. I have sent many of the
people in my industry to your site. Good job."

[name withheld to protect privacy and prevent yet another shooting]

"One word - excellent! I'm British and living/viewing in the US; I've noticed that quite a lot of these infomercials feature English actors with regional accents. I guess they're the ones who'll do anything for the money!"
I too have watched the Red Devil with wide-eyed horror. The highlight for me was when they produced a whole Thanksgiving on their Red Devil. I seem to recall a birthday cake being made as well, but that might have been an illusion brought about by a lack of medication."

"I had a read of some of your reviews and laughed my arse off!
In Australia we are also subjected to some of these offerings, the one about the Memory thing stands out the most....or the one with Buzz Aldrin 'walking on the moon' on an exercise strider! Pfffffff!
As for the NADS infomercial, I agree totally, the name is bullsh!t! Nads means the same over here as it does in America! Better market research by the boffins at the 'Nads institute of hair removal' might be in order for next time.........."

"This is a hilarious read. It made milk come out my nose and I wasn't even drinking milk! What ever happened to the 'Auto-Fom' infomercial? It's fun to say 'AUTO-FOM'."

"i love your website - just one more note on the f**kin' juicer thingie - has anyone added up just what one glass of juice would cost? they're blithely plunging down carrot after carrot, apple after apple, parsley, pears, etc., etc., by the time you get through, your f**kin' glass of juice will cost $3.98 or something, not to mention that if you live in michigan, like i do, fruits and vegetables are in season something like 4 1/2 weeks out of every year. i hate that infomercial."

"Hey! I just wanted you to know that your website will help me get a good grade on a Marketing paper I have to turn in tomorrow. Very cool site!"

"OK let me confess . . . I've actually thought about buying the Hook & Hang, the Iron Quick & especially The Red Devil. For God's sake you can actually bake a cake on that thing while you're at the beach. Late at nite, sleep deprived, that sounded like a damn good idea to me. That little plastic attachment to keep the electric cord from getting in the way . . . I still think about it whenever I use my iron."

THE DEED IS DONE!
The First Annual Bizarre Products Awards
This Award was given to the most unusual, annoying, or useless product showcased on late-night television.

AND THE WINNER IS...

This product won based on the following:
1: It is useless for most American consumers. Only a bad golfer could love it.
2: It is most definitely unique and unusual.
3: It appears to be quite bothersome and messy to use, and difficult to clean up after.
4: Its inventor had the balls to e-mail me and try to defend his product.

Golf Pro In A Bottle is one of those products that will probably end up only being used a few times. Many golfers who purchased it will discover the bottle languishing forlornly in the bottom of their golf bag many months or even years later, its contents desiccated and rattling around inside the container.
The Infomercial only aired once in Seattle, which really surprised me once I found how much those things can cost to have made. Congratulations, Golf Pro In A Bottle. What a waste!

Starting this year: YOU will be able to vote for your most-hated, the most wasteful or useless, or most bizarre TV Infomercial Product for next year's Award.
Look for the voting area or simple voting instructions to appear sometime in the near future.

Awards THIS Site Has Won...

Stricken by The Joke Toliet! Help!

Featured on Cathie Walker's Silly Buddies!
(Formerly known as 'Centre For The Easily Amused')

One of those funnier than sh!t awards :)

Featured in Danny & The Mouth's Dear God, Nooooo! pages.

Linked via this page about feces on NebulaSearch.com.

Linked on the Paris Hilton Rumors website.

e-mail me if you think this site is funny, or if you think it blows

This website was produced and is presented SOLELY for its entertainment value. Please make your own buying decisions by watching the featured programs for yourself. No cookware, ironing aids, animals, or vaccumes were harmed in its production.

Copywrong (C) 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 The Douche Crew Productions