LIFE'S A FUCKING
BITCH
...And then the damn toliet seat
slams down onto the back of your head...
UNREMOVABLE, UNSCROLLABLE, FOLLOW-YOU-LIKE-A-PUPPYDOG
ADS
I was surfing the web tonight, looking for information
on a video game. So there I am at a game site, and what blows onto my
screen?
This piece of Java-infected scum!!
And you
know why this ad pisses me off so much? Because YOU CAN'T GET RID OF IT!! You
can't click it away unless you want to transmit your damn personal information
to the greedy, thieving Monopoly people (or whoever the bungholes are that host
it), and you can't scroll up or down the page because the fucking cocksucking
piece of shit eyesore FOLLOWS YOU!!, and you CAN'T READ THE WEB PAGE IT
COVERED UP!!!!!
That's right - it follows you, staying planted smack in the
center of your screen. You have to dump off the website you were on or close
down your goddamn browser to get rid of it.
Here is a shot of what the
pussywhipped piece of shit looks like on your screen, so you can punch the RESET
button before those fucking buttlicks that own the ad get a penny of
revenue.
This ad sets the bar to a new low when it comes
to web adverts.
At least with pop-unders, they won't bother you until you
shut down, and with pop-ups, there is a "minimize" button to get rid of it - or
clicking anywhere on your screen gets rid of it - or in the case of X10 ads, you
can put in a little cookie and never have them even appear again.
But with
this one, there's no way to hide it or run away from it. The entire ad SCROLLS
WITH YOU and covers up whatever you were reading.
Whoever invented this
ad should be welded inside a fucking sealed pipe and buried in a cesspool.
SPAMMERS
All spammers are evil, and must die.
Would you believe this fucking worthless cunt (Rhodona Garst)
is one of the biggest and most prolific spammers known today?
If I had my
way, I'd first knock all of those fucking oversized green algae infected Anthony
Robbins teeth out of her smug mouth with a tire iron. Then I'd smash her
kneecaps with mutilated golf clubs, then cut off her hands and make her spank
herself with them. Then I'd shove hoses & funnels down her cocksucking
throat and fill the smegma-eating cuntlick with motor oil & dog shit until
it shot out of her skanky ho beaver. Then I'd cram the garbage mailing bitch in
a transparent lucite tank filled to the brim with concentrated camel urine and
her own nasty bloody tampons, set it out in the sun, and watch the fucking hot
corrosive camel piss dissolve her alive from the outside in, until nothing but
bones remained. Finally, to end it all, I'd crunch up all of her nasty
necrotized bones in a Rocket Chef, stuff them in an old toliet tank filled with
rotting cat turds, and lob the fucker off the Tacoma Narrows bridge or have it
towed to the middle of the Pacific and torpedoed.
All spammers suck and
should fucking die a horrible death, but this cunt deserves special "attention"
to wipe that shit-eating gingivitis grin off her fucking worthless pussy
face.
Spam me again you godforsaken skanky ass ho!!
HONEY NUT CHEERIOS
One of
the worst mascots in the advertising industry today is that goddamn asinine
Honey Nut Cheerios bee. It makes me want to hang a big-ass bug zapper above the
breakfast table, so that when I open the box, the worthless piece of shit insect
flies out of the box, buzzes around the top of the opened box for a minute, then
makes a "beeline" right for the blue-glowing tube of electric
death!
ZZzzzZZZZZZzzZZaappppppppPP! Pop!!
But... since that
isn't much of a possibility, I figure flushing the shit down a toliet is good
enough vengeance for now. Die bee, die!
Down the fucking shitbowl you go!!!
PEOPLE WHO MISUSE QUOTATION MARKS
So
what's with all the fucking quote marks? Did this guy's "momma" make him "wash"
his own "diapers" in a piss-filled "toliet" and then make him "eat" them?
Did his "English" teacher molest him and this is his "way" of retaliation?
Did "his" mother make him "write" wierd "things" on "paper"?
Did he slip in "the" shower one too many times?
Or did some "fartknocker" shove a
"pen" up his "bunghole" in the "1st" grade?
Now, if you'll "excuse" me, I
think the "store" has a "sale" on "paper towels", "tampons", and "toliet
plungers" today "only".
TV COMMERCIALS THAT FUCKING SUCK!!! $*%@!#)!@!&^&@
Microsoft is actually one of the least
offensive when it comes to their TV commercials. Most of the rest really fucking
suck. They suck so hard it makes a $500 commercial vacuum cleaner look like a
pussywhipped piece of shit!
Here are some recent
offenders.
S.A.P.
This commercial for Internet company S.A.P.
seems to only be played during TV golf. They keep talking about a "Noo-Noo
economy". Could a multi-billion dollar corporation really be talking about the
fat little vacuum cleaner from the Teletubbies that sucks up puss-colored
custard that the Teletubbies threw all over the walls??!?!?
Will the
Noo-Noo suck up towels and other clothes off the bathroom floor that got soaked
in piss & shit from a toliet that got broken in an earthquake?
Will the
Noo-Noo suck all the hosels off my golf clubs?
Will S.A.P. replace my Noo-Noo
if it sucks up broken light bulbs and ends up being featured on Pictures of Broken
Things?
Do I need to get out the double barrel shotgun and hose down
the Noo-Noo with it to end its rampage?
LEVIS $*&!@%
PANTS
These turd burglars have the most idiotic, piss-poor commercial
I've seen all year. They show pictures of people's torn-off umbilical cords
(belly buttons) and animate them to music. Everytime this stupid worthless piece
of fly shit comes on, I just want to go kick a toliet off the wall, stuff a pair
of 501's down an unflushed urinator filled with rotten cat piss and then lob it
off the fucking Space Needle.
SPRITE
They have these
commercials where people come on and do this rap (but without the music),
complete with those fucking moronic hand gestures like you see them do on rap
videos that makes the actor look like a worthless piece of shit
kindergarten-killer gang wannabe IDIOT!!! My neighbor plays his rap music
frequently, I don't need to hear that crap on TV too.
God I just want to
shoot the motherfucking bitch ho TV out everytime one of these comes on... but
alas, all I can realistically (and legally) do is reach for the remote as
quickly as possible and flip it to another channel for a minute.
TOURISTS WITH NO SENSE OF POLITENESS
What's with those insolent bastards with cameras around
their necks, Hawiian flower print shirts and kahki shorts anyway? What fucking
pisses me off is the little shits won't move for a wheelchair. Those gay-ass
little camera-toting leeches will even stand in a wheelchair cutout and
just stupidly stare at the wheelchair rider who needs to use that cutout, rather
than moving for him or her. Honking the horn doesn't do any good, and for the
most part, they ignore pleas of "excuse me, please" or "get the fuck out of my
way will ya!!".
So I have a solution. I'm going to put a high-ratio
gearbox in my motorized wheelchair, and just run those worthless bastards over
the next time they block my path or stand in the fucking cutout and refuse to
move. Yeah, waste em!!
Crunch goes their precious fucking Leica
camera, as blood from their split open skull leaves a growing bright red stain
on their 'Seattle Attractions' map. Teach them to block in a fucking wheelchair
again.
CUSSING ON NETWORK TV
Since when could they cuss on prime time TV?
I
forgot to change to the 10:00 news, and heard the first scene in a show called
"Philly". During this brief segment, the woman said the word "asshole" (as in
"he's an asshole") and the guy said "dick" (as in "I'd cut off my dick before
doing such & such").
I know you can say words like "pissed off",
"ass", and "bitch", but I've never heard any of the other words on regular
broadcast TV until tonight.
Let's see... we'll try a running
tally.
He's an asshole.
I'd cut off my dick.
Guy flips off the
judge, twice.
He's a dickhead.
Got the balls.
Lying prick.
Twice as
big an asshole.
The Internet is for cussing.
I love to cuss.
Hell! Damn! Fart!
Crap! Boobs! Crap!
But do we need to hear this on network TV?
Page opened October 08,
2001.
Contents copywrong (C) 2001 Craig S Johnson