Lies and Reunions
Ali Cherry
I have lived this lie for so many years. I have pretended to be Harmon Rabb Jr. for over twenty years, since the time I was enrolled in the academy. I have no idea how they knew I could pull it off. At eighteen who could know what I'd truly be like when I became an adult. But then again they raised me. They created me in the image of a legend. Informed several close people what they were doing and wa la. I'm Jr. to a man I've never met. I wonder if there really was a son that died somewhere along to the way. Someone whose life became mine.
I've been everything they've asked of me. I've been pilot extraordinaire and Jag lawyer extraordinaire. I'm extraordinaire at everything and yet it isn't me. I had no name for the first eighteen years. I was just, “you're not doing that perfectly do it again, and again.”
Again. Perfection. It wasn't until I was a third year midshipman that I realized that perfection wasn't the goal of the rest of the world. But the rest of the world didn't have to pretend to be someone they weren't.
I've loved this life. Harmon Rabb Jr.'s life. I wish I could claim the life they have made me cultivate. I don't know what will become of me now that they're all gone. Do I still pretend? Are there a few out there still?
Were they all killed somewhere? If not then why haven't they met me for the past few years? I keep getting messages telling me what to do, but I haven't seen anyone in a long time and I'm worried.
Perfection. Feelings are irrelevant. I like those guys. Those Borg on that show Bud watches. I feel like them, created by a collective mind, controlled by them. Having them mask my individuality. My emotions. Do I have emotions?
Yes, I know I do. God I want to cry so often. I want to hold people and tell them I can take care of them. I want to say I can be perfect trust in me. But I don't. I can't risk pulling them into the world in which I was born. How can I say I love someone when I put him or her into this game, of which I'm unsure of the rules?
It's why I could never tell Mac. Never let her know how much she means to me.
I confided in someone once and she's dead. I never knew how much I relied on her until she was gone. Diane. The word is painful, but I refuse to cry. I will not cry, no tears until I'm myself. Someone I don't know.
How should I say goodbye to everyone? Should I fake my own death? Should I just disappear in the middle of the night? Should I transfer and just never arrive? I think I should die? Then if they ever found me they'd never be able to replace me in the world I love so much.
I'm going to miss the staff at Jag. The friends of Harmon Rabb Jr. My heart aches at never being able to fulfill my promise to Mac, but it's all for the best.
The e-mail came two weeks ago; I need do it. Die. No, Harm will die, and who will be reborn? I will need a name. Something nice.
I've decided on Ethan Daniels, it means Strong one God judges. I hope that He has compassion when I'm judged.
The E-mail said one word, Goodbye. Goodbye. I have to say goodbye.
Harm's gone. He died a long time ago, a year. I know it seems short, but there was something missing something that made the days, hours, minutes drag. I miss him, I knew him, I loved him, and he's gone.
I think I'm insane. I saw him the other day on the street. But I know better, Harm hated this side of the city, preferred the solitude of his little storage unit. I saw this guy holding a little girls hand. Harm would have looked the same with his daughter. I miss him. I want to go up and hug this man and never let him go. Is that what Harm felt when he saw me?
I need to at least get closer to the man, need to make an ID. I know Harm's dead, but after all I'm Diane's twin.
“Excuse me?” Mac walked past the man, hoping to get a good look. The man looked down and smiled. Mac's eyes teared up. It was his smile, all teeth all emotions. The man's smile crumpled and he reached to touch her.
“Are you alright?” He asked, his face a study of emotions. Desire, attraction, concern, sympathy, love…love?
“Yes, you just reminded me of someone I used to know.” Mac smiled. “My name's Sarah.”
“Ethan, Ethan Daniels, nice to meet you, Sarah.” He paused to shake her hand, holding it in his hand. His fingers moved to caress her skin. “What do you, Sarah?”
“I'm a Marine Lawyer.” She said defiantly. She left her hand in his.
“Sounds like an interesting profession.” He moved closer.
“It can be.” She said. “What do you do?”
“I fly jets.” Ethan said with a smile.
“What branch?” Sarah asked, moving closer to him, just a little closer and they would meld together, and never come apart again.
“Not those kind of jets. Leer Jets. I'm a Pilot for Virgin Atlantic.”
“Oh, ever been in the military?” They were breathing the same air, infecting personal spaces.
“I was Air Force for a while.” His face was inches away from hers.
“Sounds like you've had an interesting life.” She could almost feel the softness of his lips he drew even closer
“It was nothing til I met you.” He couldn't do it yet. Couldn't kiss her yet.
“Ethan?”
“Yes?”
“Kiss me.”
“Yes, Ma'am.” It was the same inflection. It was Harm. He was here with her. She pulled back.
“Your not married right? I saw a little girl.”
“My neighbor. I love Children. I want a ton of them.”
“So do I.”
“I've missed you. I've missed you my entire life.” He was close, so close it felt as if the air couldn't move between them.
“You've always had me, fly brain.”
Ethan stopped what he was doing. It was something Diane had called him. No one knew it; it had never been in any letters. “I never really had to say goodbye, Diane, did I?”
“You never did. I was always with you.”
“Never leave.”
“Never.”
The air disappeared between them as the world moved along. Two deaths and reunion. Two rebirths, becoming the people who would share their lives. Diane and Harm, or Sarah and Ethan. They all kissed in the mix, all seeing, and all sharing the emotions that dazzled their eyes. Grief resolved and Love blossomed.
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