NOTE: DUE TO WEB SPACE LIMITS... THE WEB WORLD IS STILL SHIFTING SO SOME LINKS MIGHT NOT WORK... PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU FIND ANY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH... AND NOW, ON WITH THE UPDATING THING ALREADY J wanna share? J wow, it's been more than two months since the last update here... journals and other KIT pages have been updated more often, but even there the writing is not nearly as frequent (and probably not nearly as fluid) as last year... some choppy waters, when there is a flow... this is mostly due to present living conditions... since the middle of January I haven't had an electric outlet or phone line for access that I can call my own (voicemail still works though if you want to leave a message)... that's partly, at least at the beginning, due to trusting someone who used the word friend, but now mostly due to my decision to build up more savings as fast as possible (and living relatively rent-free is a good way to do that)... I spend some nights at friends and some nights in the car (sometimes I only have 6-7 hours between shifts, so the car allows the most sleep time)... as summer approaches the discomfort level due to heat increases, but I love heat and can shower at work so it makes sense to the budget director in my head to live minimally for now... I have ads around the web for a roommate and if one comes along I'd move into a place near work, but until then I'd rather save a while longer... if you want to help, here's what I'm looking for in an apartment (as many amenities as possible while keeping the rent as far under $800 as possible... keeping it under $400 per person with a roommate) J as for the writing life (and written gardens) over the last few weeks (actually, it's months now)... whenever I could snatch some time, I've been semi-randomly (if we believe in the chaos theory and universal randomness and all) digging into my sleepy but lonely anima (mind, heart, spirit, soul, or whatever) for whatever might be found (just scratching the surface) and sending the words to the online group that seems most appropriate at the moment (being subscribed {as opposed to belonging, I suppose, since I feel I belong more in some than in others... but then, I feel I belong in others too if you follow this parenthetic aside within a parenthetic aside... the amazing thing is that some of you actually do... major thanks J} to more than 500 different online groups, the selection process could be as random as the rambling itself sometimes)... alas, no wonder I don't get much response, I must confuse more than I amuse most of the time... but being a being who enjoys my own confusion cuz I know is just illusion, I amuse myself... does that keep me alone?... there's another group discussion in utero... (I've learned a long long long time ago not to question good moods (it's like sneezing in a house of cards}, so I'll just stay in one and continue) J anyway, I think the point was that much of my minimal writing of late has been themed for some of the online groups I've created or joined... and if you want to give me some of the attention and feedback I crave (or just want to pass some time wandering through the recesses of my imagination or wherever this stuff comes from), you can find and check out some of my ramblings to groups and other obscure secrets in the letters to strangers gardens if you wish... as you wish too... the site move is still being delayed because I'm delaying finding a place as I said... I son't feel like grumbling about it anymore, especially since it's my decision now... I just hope the stuff (like the old computer and writings and laser printer and TV and some irreplaceable things and even the replaceable things would take several thousand dollars to replace) is still intact... but then, anybody who can throw a human being on the the street might not thing twice about tossing that which is valuable to that human being... I haven't heard from her... so much for the word friend, huh?... some people just talk... still, I don't feel like grumbling so I'll stay in my good mood J whether it's madness or idealism or naivity or whatever, I still hope for friends... at least one who cares enough to give the time to learn who I am and share enough to trust... somehow the child inside me and the hope survives and I wish you (and you know who you are) would finally once and for all come out to play (space cadets and fruit loops)... and hey, you, come on to my cloud in other words, you're welcome in my world and I'd like to be welcome in yours I'd like to find someone who can share without limits or walls or doors but positively I say, positively I mean positively I write letters to strangers hoping to find friends muses and intimacy wild passion and fantasy too trying to stay hopeful irreverent and innocent I know others are out there how about you I can find creativity in memories and dreams and music and my childinside and online friends too so if you are lonely I've known lonely too we can keep each other company as we figure out what to do but positively I say, positively I mean positively if wishes came true there'd be no pain no hurts, no betrayals but the best we can do is enjoy the risks don't be afraid to fall we all start out as strangers after all to be continued... and so I am still wandering... the right living situation did not find me (and I did not find it) yet so I'm holding out at friends places and in the car until I feel like I've saved enough money to give me all the options I'd like to have (to the point of taking a place of my own if the right roommate does not come along)... the drag is it's close to $10 a day in tolls and gas (not to mention wear and tear and time on the road) to hang at friends cuz the job is on the opposite end of town from the places I can stay... that's one reason I sleep in the car a lot... another is I often have less than 7 hours between shifts and I'd just as soon sleep rather than drive an hour or hour and a half... the good news is I have the job and the paper trail left in Toronto is starting to be cleaned up (I mean all my identity papers and the papers this culture demands before anything)... if you want to hear the sordid details (or at least the few I've scribbled down), feel free to depress yourself or get a good laugh journals and other gardens (or come ovr and spend a few nights asking for details if you can stand to see a grown child cry... yes, my irreverence is seriuous and returning too) as the soup cooks (eventually, it'll be done... and I am still doing my best to keep in touch as I bounce from borrowed phone line to borrowed phone line, but three months of very inconsistent sleep and lack of writing space makes it more challenging than ever to keep in touch so I hope you understand and will be around when I finally make it through this latest challenge I've created for myself (with a lot of help from... yeah, you know)... life might get boring without them J I repeat again for redundancy is one key to learning and getting the words right and getting the words right is one key to communication and communication is one of the goals of this web world and the written gardens... I really would rather present a more entertaining life for you to read about (hey, maybe you are entertained... all my life's a self-perpetuated soap-opera, after all), but the negativity (blah, pooo on negativity) of this human (humans need to get more involved in evolution) life is still trying to consume me (gulp)... I wonder if that is the experience you've had (feel free to satisfy my curiosity by responding... or perhaps it's just what I've done to myself... or something like that... anyway, the stubborn child continues to do the dance of positive incorribility (more and more and more and more {insatiable, remember?}... mayhaps you've noticed?)... even as I leave myself no time to breath deep enough or care for myself enough to wake up and feel healthy... maybe next month... more likely, later... for me it's trust or bust my faith is not in question eat me if you must you will get indigestion did I mention that I do have at least one job?... did I mention irreverence and happiness is stronger than ever? (well, maybe not ever, but since the inception of this web world perhaps... who's gonna be the judge?)... the delay caused by all the betrayals I've encountered cuz I'm such an innocent trusting soul has me hanging on in limbo longer than I intended, but things are still theoretically looking up (maybe even tangibly... I eat better and give away more cuz I have more to give away)... maybe by next month (I know, I said this before... plans change, ya know?) I might have enough money to start starting again on my own... then again, maybe it'll be another month more... deep phew, huh?... at the last writing I was thinking that maybe I should probably take a break from trying to find a friend I can trust and maybe just forget about depending on people for a while, huh?... that thought didn't last (like we expected it to be taken seriously for more than a moment?... not if you know me at all)... it'll still be a few months before I can actually catch up on the bills that have piled up in the last few years (hey, I had this right... so why am I laughing?) J what can be expected when my therapy (writing, music, diet, meditation, sensuality, etc and so on and la dee doo) is more inconsistent than ever?... |
here's the resume, as if... surprise me and care, ok? (irreverence can bite, huh?... anybody out there?)... without a phone or fax and basically living out of my car, the job search is in passive mode... the resume is on monster.com and lots of other services, for what that brings... I've settled on a basic entry level position (ultimately, after ten years away from the suits and madness of administrative politics and management, I am reluctant to fight to get back into the suit and the game so I'm biding time on the ground floor and if the right position with the right organization comes along, I'm free to make the move... besides, all my suits are up north, along with everything else, in storage) and I'll work as much overtime as possible (shades of 1999... I know this dance)... so the workaholic is called upon again and so far it's been working out well (pun-ish me, why don't I)... and how are you?... wanna come out and play? J life can be so much fun if we want it to be J so... any true friends out there?... really?... anybody care?... I ask a lot because I've been getting less and less feedback... that's probably because I am so disconnected and therein unresponsive myself, but it still leads me to wonder and ask and hope for a positive answer... there's always hope, ya know?... if you understand what I mean even a little, maybe we can be compatible roommates?... you know, honesty, sincerity, trustworthy?... real?... seriously, I can easily afford half of a nice two bedroom place... it's the one bedroom bite I'm taking the time to save up for in case I don't find the right roommate... I hope to find the right place to live this summer even if I don't find someone to share it... I would much rather find a cool roommate so we can have more amentities at a better price, but I will take what I can afford at the moment and work my way back into an independent place without roommates or live-in friends or any real intimates if that's how it must be... you know the song, I'll go it alone and all... if nobody comes along... I really would much rather be sharing... alas, isn't anybody ready to giggle with me? J how about music?... sheesh I miss music... anybody want to share some?... makes some?... care some?... I have so little time for the email groups or mail, but I still hope to find friends locally through them... call me, dangit! J so here I am still, just taking my time looking, hoping, writing a rhyme wanting a friend who's ready to play looking for a comfortable place to stay the light at the end of the tunnel is nearer can someone see me through the fog? the outside world is becoming clearer trying to get realer and I see some sun and I see some rain and maybe it's time to stop riding that train... and as Linda Rondstadt sang, I still miss someone I'm just to numb to figure out who or why (but still I try) 
please take good care of yourself... and please, keep in touch... honest love, ric PS... nothing new in the PS, so don't even bother if you've been here often... still, when you wake up you will find that you're not where you left yourself... if you want more details about me (you really care that much?... I ask cuz precious and few are the ones who really care), then all I ask is that you understand me (just me asking the impossible, huh?)... seriously, if you could help me find a cool roommate and or apartment and or better job and I will shower you with praise and appreciation and affection and chocolate (wait, I said seriously)... ok, I'll shower you with whatever you'd like... deal? J you could explore the online groups I can be found in from time to time or read specially selected (yeah right, you oughta know lol) letters to strangers... and if you've come this far, you are welcome and extremely (ain't to proud to beg) encouraged to explore this web world and come to my window and dance by the light of the silvery moon and see what I want and offer friends and check out A Brief Introduction to Anonanonanon (Me) and more bios to get more personal and then for more (if you have time and interest in my babbling and details), read through previous KITs and worklife and lifetimes and then (if you are still awake and really want more babbling) there is the almost daily journal and you can listen to my heartbeats and oh what the heck, by then you must be either crazy (or closer to the edge) or family, so just explore all the new growth in the rest of the written gardens and add yourself to my personal address book and meet others in the other email groups... and then, just ask what else you want to know... and I'll do my best to fill in the details you ask for J NEXT STEP ON THIS PATH SIGN GUESTBOOK VIEW GUESTGROUP SIGN SLAMBOOK! VIEW SLAMBOOK!  EMAIL
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