NOTE: DUE TO WEB SPACE LIMITS... THE WEB WORLD IS SHIFTING AGAIN SO SOME LINKS MIGHT NOT WORK... PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU FIND ANY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH... AND NOW, ON WITH THE UPDATING THING ALREADY J wanna share? J ah (deep breaths (more like gasping)... oooommmmmmmm (meditation isn't working)... uummmmmmm (what can I say?)... la la la la (la)... erp)... squeezing, but... all the optimism and enthusiasm inside about life is getting squashed once again... and the changes... but I still don't give up... you thought maybe last month was challenging?... wait, it was a walk in the park... Central Park around midnight, but still a walk in the park... oh, but it... hurts... and how it hurts... just one more chunk of me chewed up that nobody may ever know... just one more obstacle to overcome if I am ever going to share my dreams... it's so much worse when the knife in the back comes from a friend... just when I thought I was in the pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over again time and even closer to edge edge than last month (double eeeeks), it's time for triple eeeks... maybe more... more than ever, I hope for friends (don't ask me how right now)... but another bites the dust... or more accurately, another supposed friend (her words: "I am your friend" as she reasured me to accept the help she was offering... again, I trust... again, betrayal... I'm semi on the street again... real desireable, aren't I?... still somehow the child inside me survives and I wish you'd come out to play (more than ever, who cares?)... yeah, I'm the kind of fool who'll walk into hell and ask for playmates... I figure as long as I've got the choice, why not choose fun?... I couldn't even tell you for sure if there is a hell, after all... but fun, I know there is fun... please?... somewhere in the world there must be, I know, cuz there is so much inside of me in spite of the blatant cruelty (smile through it, dammit!) J hey, you... come on my cloud hey you, come on to my cloud hey, you, come on to my cloud in other words, you're welcome in my world and I'd like to be welcome in yours I'd like to find someone who can share without limits or walls or doors but positively I say, positively I mean positively man I am devastated... numb... I didn't see this coming at all... I did see this possible only being for one month in spite of her reassurances that there's no time limit, but I never expected to be booted out on the street with nothing but the clothes on my back... yeah, call us when you want your stuff... huh?... just when I thought I'd found some real tangible empirical evidence that people can be trusted, another killer (no understatement) betrayal... people can be so damned cruel... how the heck does someone live with themselves after doing something so heartless like this to another human being?... and if you are lonely I've known lonely too we can keep each other company as we figure out what to do if wishes came true there's be no pain no hurts, no betrayals to be continued... I'm back on the street again... if you want to hear the sordid details (or at least the few I've scribbled down), feel free to depress yourself or get a good laugh in the journals (sadist's delight, huh?)... anyway (shake), I'll do my best to keep in touch as I bounce from borrowed phone line to borrowed phone line... I really would rather present a more entertaining life for you to read about, but the negativity seems to be trying to consume me... and the stubborn child continues to do the dance of positive incorribility... for me it's trust or bust my faith is not in question eat me if you must you will get indigestion ok, so what else is going on in this life besides a complete upheaval and profound betrayal and massive cruelty?... the brakes still need work... lights too... add the left tail light to the right head light (it was the right, not the left)... so until I start working and have the money to fix it, I'll try not to drive at night much... the tires seem ok... the challenges continue to build... the leak in the brake line was repaired (go figure, by the same brother (of Aim) who was sent to boot me out... he seemed dumbfounded too, but blood is thicker than water... or her blood is closer to his than mine, so it's ok to spill mine into the street at her sicko psycho whim (can you see some rants coming out of this?... patience)... so the car is a little better, but the rear brakes were not fixed... the list changes, but at least it didn't grow... wonders, huh?... will sarcasm save us from the abyss of the mundane? (did it last time?)... my moto has stalled... well, sorta... I'll cut my losses and take whatever job comes along now... this betrayal will linger as much was lost... so much more than anyone will ever really know... or want to know, probably... I mean, who really cares that much?... you?... excuse my doubts, or you don't... get it?... |
how about music?... anybody want to share some?... makes some?... care some?... I'm gonna be a hard case if somebody doesn't come along and break this cycle of cruelty and abuse I seem to be attracting... or is it in everybody and I just bring out the worst in people?... aren't you glad you stopped in to check up on me this month?... if it's your first time here... don't be scared now... yeah, this is way old news and I should be shot or something, but it's still going on so... I haven't been responding to email (that is the real sign that I'm downer than I may appear here in these babbles... as if I don't have good reasons, huh?)... I see that the email groups are a little noisier (I finally started opening some mail and maybe I'll even sent an out of the blue response at random {where the muses muse me}... but who can predict such things), maybe even locally if the stubborn child inside can be nudged to start rising above even heavier feelings now... I still wanna hug (repeat)... and not just a *HUG*, but a physical-type hug (repeat)... a platonic hug would be fine (repeat)... a cuddle, even (repeat)... child whimpers (repeat)... would it be too egocentric to think that maybe she read this last month and invited me in hoping I was feeling lonely enough to want more from her than I do?... it couldn't be because I turned her down like a year ago, could it?... I think I'll leave this paranoid line of thought behind with her... alas... (kick)... ok, enough rambling... get back to hunting before I depress myself even more... but that's the most depressing part of all now, not being able to follow through on the job hunt I've started... frumbles... bumbles... grumbles... ok, that's really it this time, time for the closing rhyme and incidental babbling cux nothing but poor me and frustration seems to be available for the moment... fine time for an update, huh Lucille?... well, maye somebody really does care and doesn't just say they do... sp i'll go through the motions until the numbness wears off and ask you to please check out the other journal stuff (links to worklife, lifetimes, journal, heartbeats, and bios journals can be found in the last paragraph below) for more info about what's going on in and around me cuz there's lots going on, just not much getting organized (and still and again and on and on... waiting is the hardest part)... I'll work on this and rant through to digestion somehow... I now have some more famous last words to add to my scrapbook (or in this case, my crap pile)... "I am your friend, I would never..." yeah right... so here I am still, just taking my time looking, hoping, writing a rhyme wanting a friend who's ready to play looking for a comfortable place to stay the light at the end of the tunnel is nearer can someone see me through the fog? the outside world is becoming clearer trying to get realer and I see some sun and I see some rain and maybe it's time to stop riding that train... and as Linda Rondstadt sang, I still miss someone I'm just to numb to figure out who or why 
please take good care of yourself... and please, keep in touch... honest love, ric PS... nothing new in the PS, so don't even bother if you've been here often... still, when you wake up you will find that you're not where you left yourself... this KIT is destined to be updated very shortly... very shortly... very shortly (still a broken record, huh?) if you want more details about me (you really care that much?... I ask cuz precious and few are the ones who really care), then all I ask is that you understand me (just me asking the impossible, huh?)... you are welcome and encouraged to explore this web world and come to my window and dance by the light of the silvery moon and see what I want and offer friends and check out A Brief Introduction to Anonanonanon (Me) and more bios to get more personal and then for more (if you have time and interest in my babbling and details), read through previous KITs and worklife and lifetimes and then (if you are still awake and really want more babbling) there is the almost daily journal and you can listen to my heartbeats and oh what the heck, by then you must be either crazy (or closer to the edge) or family, so just explore all the new growth in the rest of the written gardens and add yourself to my personal address book and meet others in the other email groups... and then, just ask what else you want to know... and I'll do my best to fill in the details you ask for J NEXT STEP ON THIS PATH SIGN GUESTBOOK VIEW GUESTBOOK SIGN SLAMBOOK! VIEW SLAMBOOK!  EMAIL
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