A Journal of Sorts
"stimulated faces, people and places silent community lives off what is greylight, spotlight, lowlife, greylight a hole in my head, no hold on my body and the ground so hot, the sky so cold I don't know, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know I see people crying, hiding faces it's so heavy, it's so heavy running lost, looking for a way out and I turn around turn around, see a child falling falling to the ground with a knife in its head there's a smell in the air take me away I want to breathe..." ~ Virgin Prunes ~ did you ever notice how people walk up stairs?... living in a typical apartment complex in this area (they're all built about the same around here), in the bedroom by the stairs, you get to notice that each person walking up the stairs has a distinctive cadence to his or her step... and most trudge as if they are too tired to lift their feet, no less put them down gently... must be tough on the feet to be pounded like that... and then I wonder, is it more insensitivity or more laziness or more being out of shape physically... there must be others who, like me, are almost always aware of the environment and people and beings around, who allow sensory input to connect with conscious thought and react to the conscious awareness... and maybe it's also a selfish desire to not abuse this body, but I am usually conscious of each step I take, of where and how my feet land, of what noise I make as I move through this world... it could be timidity or shyness or fear of some sort and it could be consideration for the environment, but I find overall consciously and subconsciously, from moment to moment, strive to take actions that disturb or alter the environment around me as little as possible... stealth seems most comfortable for me unless I conscious wish to change something and leave some sort of mark or impact along my way... and when I open myself to experience the environment with all of the senses, to the best of my ability today (which is miniscule compared to where I have been and hopefully will be again one day when I stop the stagnant spiral of mourning and return to the upward climb of maintaining optimal physical conditionaing)... there is so much darkness in the minds (and more in my own than ever before)... perhaps the lack of physical conditioning that diminishes my sensory experience and awareness is the primary cause for others as well... but I sense, most of the time, less reason, less conscious choice, less purpose in the vegetation of others... and I wish you who understand what I mean here (and in other contemplative reflections) would wave hello and let me know you are out there... and I wish one was here to share, inspire, and remember... and be ready, willing, and able to begin again... I just want to breath fresh air again... as much as it would be possible in this world condemned by an insensitive and greedy humanity and the industrial pollution and waste products of the species-wide suicide that humans ironically call progress... I want to share the purity of a virgin heart in an innocent soul... I still have it to offer, however tarnished by weather or scorched by human fires... tears continue to cleanse and preserve... I await... I was a child stabbed in the back by the promise of love I know the pain of the betrayals when an adoption fails I was a parent condemned by a partner mother of my progeny give me strength to bear witness to the horrors of humanity I was a fool who dared believed in the promise of love I know the death of the selfishess that consumes happiness I was a martyr crawling upon splinters father of my infamy find the faith to continue in spite of insanity am I scraping my knees in vain? what will be worth all this pain? is there a point to this game? will it give me a name? am I drowning or saved by rain? which is the who not insane? what is the price of the fame? a world without blame? a world without shame? too wild to tame but kind not blind sensitive to live and let live a harmless game a hopeful frame what is this world's name? how can I still believe it is possible after all I've been through? after trying all that is possible what dreams may come, come true I was a dog put down with a smile and the promise of love I know the loss of lifetimes couched in pretty rhymes I was an angel descended to torture universal entity give me hope to understand my own humanity in spite of insanity or vanity give me to trust to become all that I can be give me the love to rise above set me free give me the truth to know the power still in me like finding an old friend, the passion reigns, born again, the dormant seed does not know time... whether you search for crime or the sweet sublime... you will find me in rhyme... |
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