A Journal of Sorts
"i'm smelling dead flowers and listening to the walls again i'm drinking from a leaky faucet and writing this with a dried up pen wish i still had my imaginary friend ~ Chantal Kreviazuk ~ would you believe that I've only spent about five percent of this life living alone?... it was long enough to prove to me that my desire to share is not dependancy, but pure desire... I can live alone and be happy and healthy, but I am happier and healthier when I am sharing... the more intimate the sharing, the happier and healithier I've been... and all these web rambles have come during my lonely days so what sort of skewed reflection of me could this web world, no less these journals, be?... ahh, for an unbiased perspective... could that be what life is about?... the search for an unbiased perspective?... perhaps, if you believe in truth above all else... and dare... . o O ( but who is without bias? ) O o . and that's why they invented god (think about that for the next few years) . o O ( shifting gears ) O o . on the other hand, living with someone can be very distracting to the creative flow if they have no creative outlets (or flow) of their own... living together without sharing creativity is like trying to drve a car with two steering wheels, if you do ever get rolling anywhere, accidents are bound to happen... so ideally, if I don't want to live alone (or feeling like I am living alone with someone else in the space), I need to find someone who loves music and words and experiencing and sharing life's roller coaster emotional ride as much as I do... and at the same time (simultaneously, even), someone who loves to read and write and experience solitary time together... who can be there?... but that's not enough, for without physical activities and positive, nurturing challenges (as opposed to competitive oneupsmanship or put-down challenges) and games and fun (serious and silly) there is too much vegetation for me... physical fitness, daily exercise, self-respect on all levels is vital to a happy, honest life... and yet, the enjoyment of all of the senses, reaching beyond limits for extremes of excitment and peace... and sensuality... a love of food and tasting and eating without inhibition, at least for the moment, though after binging enough to feel sluggish and fat, the will power to return to a healthy (and more ethical) diet... ethically, in my mind, I am a vegetarian, but my taste buds and this body is omnivorous... I love virtually all foods, though some much more than others... (ahhh, chocolate) J and to be visual without restriction, without censorship... to understand that art has no limits and there is no accounting for taste and while harm is not welcome or encouraged, tolerance for the representations of anything in visual arts is a keystone of my philosophy and personality... I'm not all that into pornography, but I love nudity (being without clothes is my first choice of dress) and love the sexual turn on nude bodies can be... and still, eyes are so much more than sexual windows... to see beyond vision is a dream I practice with my eyes open and closed... what does it mean to you?... and so few make eye contact, which, for me, is the first step... most seem to trip right there... direct eye contact begins the journey toward knowing each other and whatever is to be shared... eye contact is the first step toward trust and trust is the essence of being real, meaningful, and everything worth sharing in this life... and it is, for me, the same for all sensory sharing, directness is the key element being there... and then sound... not just music, but especially music... to embrae all forms of audio art and seek the artists visions as well as the reactions inspired within by the art itself... to experience the combined sensory stimulation of songs, films, and multi-dimensional artistic productions is the essense of what to do with life for me... to breath music, to sing, to play, to become part of art and films and stories, to create of your own imagination and experience... those who don't let it in, and out, miss out on what life is about... scent and touch are closely linked for me... the more intimate, the more closely linked... while my sexual attractions are limited (go explore Libboland if you really want to know my physical world turn ons), I love to hug and shared touches, though our sensitivities must match for the experience to be mutually enjoyable... so while few are welcome to share my bed or body, anyone is welcome to a hug or sniff (how animalistic we get is a much longer path to explore that reaches far beyond what words can begin to express)... and then, still more, the ability to laugh at self in caring ways and enjoy doing it... to tease with honest love... to understand and actualize unconditional love and trust... these are the ultimate traits in the ideal living partner, whether sharing space or sharing lives or sharing bodies... and wow, from out of nowhere comes an introduction to me (at least as I know myself for the moment, which is through cloudy eyes)... could be this might find itself in intros garden in the BIOS one of these days... could be I am letting my hunger to share slip into semi-consciousness again... could be some inspiration is out there calling to me... could be something's coming... . o O ( ...who knows... ...could be... ) O o . (name that tune?) then again, it could be something I ate... J |
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