A Journal of Sorts
"Now that I've met you would you object to never seeing each other again?" ~ Aimee Mann ~ it must be nice to have family... people who call regularly and out of the blue, offering whatever you might need at the moment more or less unconditionally... I've give that many times, the actualized promise or commitment to be there for the duration, give whatever it takes, but have yet to receive it... it seems that being born into this world without such bonds makes for a very isolated life... maybe it is because all I have is the ideal in my mind, nothing practical or tangible to compare sharing to, so nothing lives up to my imagined family... or maybe the people I've met so far in this world are not capable or willing to commit to family unconditionally... is there chemistry without biology? and what do quarks have to do with it? for me, it's still matters of the heart no matter what physicists or any scientists might discover along the way... feelings, nothing more than... it must be nice to have friends... true friends, I mean... people who know and share unconditional love and trust without the mandate of biological ties... those who want to be there for you whenever they can, to help you get whatever you want or need, to help you through whatever challenges life present (or you create), to be there to share the fun, the pain, the joy, the agony, the mundane details, the bliss, the roller coaster of life... I wonder if I ever found any such people... no one like that is around today... I had a dog once who tried real hard, but she was left with those I thought to be family when I was forced to leave due to their lack of commitment and they abandoned me and had her put to sleep, but that's another story... and really now, who's interested? and what can be shared in words, anyway? for me, it's still matters of the heart that words may embrace and paint, but only sharing through all senses can bring into multi-dimensional reality... and alone, there is no such thing but still, there are many reasons to believe it would be best for me to never again meet up with most of the people I have trusted unonditionally and given my all to in this life... the spiritual toll, the mental toll, the emotional toll, the physical toll, the material toll, the financial toll, mistakes on all sides... maybe too much to bear... maybe too much to forgive... and yet, forgiveness is the first step toward peae and the most important step in healing... and yet, what if it's not mutual... catch-22... stalemate... impass... sad... some are out there reading without responding... some may find these words somewhere along the way, maybe years from now... will knowing I discussed them here (albiet with myself. mostly), matter to them?... will it matter in the sceme of this universe?... only time and paying attention will tell... so who's paying attention? and what do you really know about all this? |
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