A Journal of Sorts
"love like a road that never ends how it leads me back again to heartache I'll never understand darling, I put my heart upon a shelf 'till the moment was right, and I told myself the next time I fall in love I'll know better what to do" ~ Peter Cetera ~ well look at this, a message from the heart?... yes, well, along about now a bunch of heartbeats popped up as far back as then and here we are doing some more catching up... serendipity definitely had something to do with it... maybe it was something like kismet too, but alone and no one to write the you too, how can I write a love some without a you?... third person, maybe?... ...I wonder if I'll know what to do... it used to take about an hour a day to check through email (skimming about 20%, deleting about 60% without opening, reviewing about 16% and reading some of the remaining 4%) and add a journal entry and occasional page to the web gardens... maybe a little longer if I was quasi-watching TV... I seldom actually sit down to just watch TV, but the toob is often on in the background around here... my roommate rarely listens to music and usually has the TV on in the living room from the moment her wakes, so there's lots of background noise and images from the box... sometimes I let it distract me... sigh... sometimes an email gets lost in the sorting and deleting without opening (as some subjects are automatically sorted into folder that are usually deleted without even opening)... alas, sometimes a week goes by without reading a single email... and then, alas again, in my lonelier moments, I imagine that the one wrote to me and put a filtered word or symbol like free or adv or $ or win and we missed our chance... sometimes loneliness weighs a ton... not that I'm looking for love online, anyway (who's smirking?) must be lonely tonight, huh? (the master of understatement strikes again)... well, my heart is on a shelf... and on desks all around the world from time to time... not that I get a lot of fan mail... the addresses I use on this website get a fair amount of SPAM mail, but I try to make sure I check (friends and fans are very treasured... I crave attention and and affection and feedback, after all)... but sometimes, it seems, I just don't have anything to say... but I want to believe in love and I want to believe in you so it wouldn't take much to convince me you have a heart that is true because I want to believe in humanity I want to believe in your heart so it wouldn't take much to get to me I'm ready to fall apart but still I've learned if there's no physical attraction it's best to remain friends and not get any closer action so as lonely as I am and as empty as it feels I'd rather be lonely than hurting again so where are all those local friends, anyway?... this is one of the things I must remember... it's too easy to fall in love when living in love... it's euphoria, even alone, except when the desire to share rises into consciousness and then there's nothing to do but sigh and look around and hope to find someone understanding and until I do, continue enjoying the moment as much as possible... as muh as I want to share a bed and physical passions, without the soulmate attraction it isn't fair... unless, of course, we'd both agree... but then, if one of us is foling ourselves and believes the other is the other's soulmate without consciously addresses it, the tangled web weaves and leads to misunderstanding and pain... so who can really handle the truth?... |
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