A Journal of Sorts
"Is it my imagination or have I finally found something worth living for? I was looking for some action, but all I found was cigarettes and alcohol you could wait for a lifetime. . . is it worth the aggravation 4:40 PM 05/18/2002 to find yourself a job when there's nothing worth working for? it's a crazy situation but all I need are cigarettes and alcohol! you could wait for a lifetime to spend your days in the sunshine you might as well do the white line cos when it comes on top . . . you gotta make it happen!" ~ Oasis ~ how boring has it gotten?... really? ok, so let's get physical (physical?)... and Olivia NJ is not a town in New Jersey... did you ever wonder why god is so afraid of sex?... now let's not get started with small penis jokes, I'm serious... why do most religious (or is it just the big three?) so adamantly opposed to sexuality... like what is the point?... if the next life is so great, why fight so hard to cling to (and make money) in this life?... why bother staying in this physical world, in physical bodies, only to waste the feelings this body can feel (or worse, get fat and flabby and commit a slow socially acceptible suicide?... oh yeah, suicide is wrong... that's why you have to wait for the next life... pass another glass of poison around, won't you?)... so what about sex, anyway?... just because hypocrisy is so acceptible it's more right to ignore it than to notice it doesn't change the fact that it is hypocrisy... the blind lead the blind behind the blinds so they can fuck their brains out... but clean up for Sunday and buy back your conscience and continue pretending the cruel, insensitive, suicidal way is ok and right and righteous even... and please don't forget to pay your dues for your support group for the terminally offended (being offended is so much easier than facing the truth, isn't it?)... whatever, we can't go blaming it all on god, after all... well, maybe you can, but that not my style... fact is, based on both pesonal experience and literature about cultures and history, most of humanity is afraid of sex, afraid of sharing touhes from simple hugs or caresses (or even handshakes) to complete submersion in another's body (or as complete as possible without hurting each other)... maybe it's loss of control (a trust issue?) or fear of failure (how many lives are ruined by that one?) or fear of embarrassment (so much is lost along that path) or some other man-made obstacle, most people are too uncomfortable to even talk about it, no less do it... that is so sad... no wonder I slide into depression now and then... not even mentioning the insensitivity or cruelty of humanity today (how many people are homeless or starving or dying from industries you support or in wars that you pay for?), just the avoidance of intimacy is sad enough... are you any different?... waiting in line to get in to rooms full of smoke and alcohol to look at other poisoned smiles think you're standing ten feet tall is that why you're so afraid to fall look like you're having a ball in rooms full of smoke and alcohol would you get intimate or are you too far gone would you make love or just carry on would you get real and share what you feel would you be cool at all if you were not full of smoke and alcohol waiting for some attention in rooms full of smoke and alcohol to buy another poisoned smile in the corner feeling small is that why you're so afraid to fall they look like they're having a ball in rooms full of smoke and alcohol would you be so sensitive if other people weren't around would you tell me what you want or still not make a sound would you get real share what you feel would you want me to call if you were not full of smoke and alcohol waiting for some reaction in rooms full of smoke and alcohol but all I see are poisoned smiles going nowhere, running miles the phone rings but no one calls they're too busy having balls in rooms full of smoke and alcohol maybe I'll finish this another time... so many of the rhymes pop into these journals as I wander through the rambles and often, since I'm not actually here to write a poem or song, I'm not interested in completion... it is probably the absense of music... so most definitely, music and sharing music is one of the major missing pieces... probably second... and the absense of collaborative inspiration... and the absense of intimacy, honesty, sensitivity, and someone to share tea or whatever... and the absense of... love? alas, the world is full of people who don't seem to think like me... or at least they do a great job of acting like they don't... so I am alone because I don't fit in with the crowds obsessing with rules and clothing... among other reasons J fools in line for protocol full of smoke and alcohol |
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