A Journal of Sorts
"I wake up in the morning and I raise my weary head I've got an old coat for a pillow and the earth was last night's bed I don't know where I'm going only god knows where I've been I'm a devil on the run a six gun lover a candle in the wind" ~ Bon Jovi ~ ok, maybe I'll stop the lonely laments and put up the guestbook you keep asking for... maybe (and then what if you don't say anything?) J truth is I've known what it's like to have the Earth as a bed an an old coat for a pillow... I've know what's it's like to not have an old coat, just a T-shirt and pants and old sneakers in a cold concrete city in February, looking out on a grand waterfall pouring into a frozen revene and wondering what it would be like to leap in and become part of he frigid waters... suffocation by drowning didn't appeal (or instant obliteration by massive cranial impact) any more than the freezing air, so I got moving again and after wallowing, crawling, and playig dead for a while I waved goodbye to an actualization of my fondest dreams that become my worst nightmares and found the means to move on to warmer climates... after obtaining an old coat, of course... some of the wounds are still bleeding from those days... now and then I return to the memories, touch the wounds, and see how much healing has happened while I casually proceeded to survive... I'd like to start living more again... I'd like to start sharing more again... but I think it would be best if I waited a while longer for something... something to believe in outside... have you ever felt so lonely it was pain I mean agony that reach beyond your body and your brain I mean from guts in knots to throbbing head to despair-filled refrains have you ever felt so lonley that you thought you went insane? have you ever felt so lonely deep inside that you just gave up on life, laid down and thought you died then waking empty, parched, alone in wet sheets from puddles you've cried have you ever felt so lonely that when asked, you lied have you ever been so down you lived on the street to avoid the disgust on faces you turn away from all you meet so small you are stepped over, so lost you are not seen have you ever been so down that you know what I mean? have you ever been so betrayed you lost all hope I mean beyond caring that you are past the end of your rope I mean cruelty so precisely fitted to your worst nightmares have you ever been so betrayed you believe no one cares? well, I've been there yes, I've been there and it's damn hard to get out of there once you've fallen in it seems so impossible to even begin but waking up alone and finding you still haven't died is crueler still than anything that came before the great divide before you fell at least you thought you knew how to get out but now the only thing you knew for sure is doubt I know what that is about and it's damn hard to get out of there once you've fallen in it seems so impossible to even begin well kiddies, that's where I've been these past few years in case you've missed me... oh, and you thought I was here writing these rambling journals and eccentric rhymes?... fooled ya, didn't I? (oh if you only knew)... keep in touch, you may meet me yet J |
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