A Journal of Sorts
"the heart of love that inflame my heart comes to the depths of my soul rainy days it's so deep, the reality... but maybe the dream will continue, a romantic dream, a spring water in the desert I feel lost to fall into the abyss far away from the human love..." ~ On Thorns I Lay ~ so close to the edge... how far the mind can travel within itself, thinking about itself, consumed unto itself... how still the body can be floating within itself, feeling without itself, consumed unto itself... how lonely the soul can be within itself, wanting to share itself, there all by itself... wanting hurts, so why keep wanting?... masochism?... wanting to be fulfilled... wanting to love, to share, to know, to care, to be known, to be loved, to be with someone... being so far away hurts in ways no words could ever express, so why try... futilism?... find me... beg, plead, want, need... love me... fried brain cells don't call out much falling in and out of touch don't want you to be a crutch but in the clutch I want to need so much feel a touch ever follow your hunch? what do I know, I've been out to lunch but still I will not give up even as I wallow still I will not give in even as I swallow whatever is taken from me if it isn't given it didn't matter anyway it is not livin' what else can I say? alone hurts when all you want to do is share alone hurts when you feel like nobody cares alone hurts when it seems like nobody is there alone hurts hurting more the more you are aware I oversimplify and that's no lie I oversimplify feeling like I want to die feeling no more tears to cry feeling there will never be another high feeling dry heaves from my eyes I read today a note, an email from a stranger... it praised the words I write and that felt good... wish you were here to hug me... wish your were here to hold me... I'd really liked to be held tonight... that's all... I wonder when I will respond directly to the mail... responding directly to the mail reminds me of how alone I am an it hurts... at least here, in my imaginary world, this sanctuary of my written gardens, I can believe you are there caring, reading every word, and somehow I feel less alone this way... it's a good feeling, much better than the loneliness of email somehow... I'm not sure I could explain it to you today, but then, it's a feeling... a feeling doesn't have to make sense to feel real and right, but somehow, it does make sense to me... and so it goes... and so I go on... I have a callous on my finger, at least one, from playing a video game... such dedication, or obsession... ok, there are some of you who probably would not believe it could happen and others who consider letting it happen a few steps beyond the crazy line and still others laughing cuz you've got a callous or few of your own from your favorite game or games... anyway, believe it or not, such are the perils of an addictive personality left alone too long... laDEda . o O ( random thoughts or obscurely arranged profoundities? ) O o . I have not slept in days, at least two (what day is it, anyway?... ever changing, the paradox of the relativity of time that obscures everything is never so clear as it is right now), and feel the bomb going off in my head now (ka-thud, ka-ka-thud, kakakakakathud)... I really did not wish to challenge the pressure to do any more that quick read a few mails and a few words here (and that was as it was until the revision at a later date still prior to your reading of this line, so to speak)... such is communication today... I've been here, just gone in the uploading sense... suddenly there will be dozens of pages, more than a hundred perhaps, as if I was never gone... keep the faith... and if you want to be with me, never give up |
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