A Journal of Sorts
"follow what you feel, feelings are wise believe your heart, as you believe your eyes and like a child who's wandered off and lost its way you can find a place where your soul believes that you're home to stay follow what you feel anywhere it goes believe your heart trusting that it knows. as the dark of night will always find the light of day, list'ning with your heart, you will hear it say: 'leading with your heart, you will find your way'" ~ Alan Bergman, Marilyn Bergman, Marvin Hamlisch ~ still believing, in spite of circumstances and challenges J ok, a bit more aware now... and I see I'm back to the same situation that got me stoned (in the renal sense)... no comfortable place to spend days off... I've basically got two places to stay other than the car... it's too hot to stay in the car during the day or evening... at one place, there's no flat surface to sleep on at night and no way to sleep much any other time so the option is try sleep in Raspy's bed during the day... it's a busy almost 24 hour house... and at Mina's there's sometimes not enough space to space to sit back comfortably, but there's at least a room (cluttered, without a door, next to the bathroom, and used largely for storage) where I can sorta hide out and get a little writing time privacy... at both places there's a lot of distraction and need and request for attention, interaction, help of one sort or another and little body-healthy influence... so peace and quiet time for me for rest or meditation or write or re-focus isn't easy to come by... all that said (or written), I am still more re-focused than I was last week before the renal wake up call so I think I'll adjust and modify my habits within the tight parameters I've provided for myself... at least until another health-oriented friend or the right roommate comes along... then I'll be a better influence too... I just don't feel like being the leader these days... . o O ( slightly sleeping sitting ) O o . and as I'm napping sitting up (basically all the sleep I'm getting these days at Raspy's, which reinforces my physical need to head over to Mina's more often and take finding my own place more seriously) the phone rings and it's work looking to fill some extra shifts... I've got one this week, one next week, and tentatively (and hopefully) two the week after... I almost took two more but they would have pressed me hard to the wall and this new renal awareness suggested I think twice so I said I would only if they found no one else... so I still might, but my ambivalent guess is they will find someone... my body applauds, my wallet frowns... I'll still be looking for more shifts... and actually this was very good news to be awakened by J so who's reading all this, anyway?... a few of you are letting me know (fewer lately... maybe I'm getting too self-indulgent?... but seriously now, isn't that what a journal is about, indulging self?... comments would be appreciated... and I hope all is ok if not well in your lives... every caring honest heart is welcome in my world)... I'm missing the feedback food... am I writing anything that's worth reading beyond my own private fan club of friends who read because they want to know me personally?... the bottom line is I will not judge my own writing for you... it's worth something for me, but it may be a waste of web space if it's not worth anything to more than a few... then again, it's not much webspace and who knows when somebody might benefit from stumbling across these words or some other words I've uploaded (guess ego just wants some strokes or something) J I live to share and I don't share much today inside I am starving for attention this heart is dying for affection this body is crying for comfort this mind is begging for inspiration all of me screams for some sensation too intense, I'm told it gets worse as I get older act my age, I am told as I grow the world gets colder there is a child inside of me who will not grow up as told so lonely in this world to be different too open, too free, too bold or maybe I'm just in the wrong place or maybe it's not the right time all I know for sure is loneliness and the hunger that writes this rhyme inside I am starving for attention this heart is dying for affection this body is crying for comfort this mind is begging for inspiration all of me screams for some sensation and did I fail to mention I am starving for attention all I've got to say is I live to share and I don't share much today I live to share and I'm dying today |
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