A Journal of Sorts
"how did you get so big? how did you get so strong? how did you get so hard? how did it get so long? and what you gave to me my perfect ring of scars you know I can see what you really are" ~ Nine Inch Nails ~ oh... later... . . . o O ( some attempts to catch up on sleep ) O o . . . not very effective... this body has never been very good at sleeping on someone else's schedule and especially now that I don't have a room where I can close the door and fall out at will, I must slip between the noise and movements in other peoples spaces... need to slide into cat mode so I can sleep anywhere anytime, but there are too many biting and disease carrying bugs crawling around the floor to relax that much (a message my skin has been screaming for months now)... such a pleasant life on the ground J I wonder how my friends in the clouds are doing... or underground, for that matter... what can I say... I am building up savings by not paying monthly rent even though I am spending much of what rent would be on food and stuff for the places I am staying... fair trade, I think... but it's taking it's toll on the body... and I slap myself with the serious question, why let it?... because I've gotten lazy (love these confessionals)... sure running in the heat is not wise and without ready access to a shower it's smelly and anti-social in our culture... great excuses... and nobody cares enough to come into my every day life to motivate or help me figure out how to squeeze healthy exercise into the available time and resources, lame excuse... I mean, it would be real nice if somebody came along and cared that much, but I don't need anybody to tell me how to live healthy (or survive, for that matter), so not doing it cuz nobody is around is just stupid lazy apathetic self-destruction (I can be brutal, huh?... think it'll change anything?... stop smirking)... well, we shall see... anyway, fatigue wins again tonight... if you thought maybe this month-long marathon catch-up and whatever rambling creative therapy session was going to end with a bang, well... maybe tomorrow J curse me in my silence as I rehearse excuses for all that has been lost and all my abuses leave me in my misery tied to my bed of thorns and if you still approach me remember you've been warned I'm no Jesus on some cross I don't cry for what you've lost I won't save you from yourself I'll show you the way to hell just disregard your health crunch . o O ( oh dear, where's the get real disclaimer? ) O o . ok, so maybe this is the kind of thing you might expect from a torture chamber and since this body has been one for a while I should point you to the get real gardens where you probably won't think I wrote some of what you find there (well, maybe I didn't so you'll just have to wonder if my tongue sticking out at you right now is looking to taunt or tease you)... and this is what you re-read an entire month of journals to come to? . o O ( oh, are you coming to this? ) O o . whatever you've read, disregard what you don't like if you don't want to come over without defenses and explore what it means (especially if you already think you know, you know?)... in any case, I am frustrated with the lack of response from my immediate environment and while I know some very good people I am starving for creative sharing so if anybody hears this and wants to come to Orlando, I'll consider getting an apartment in which you can stay for free for a month or few... or a few days if you can only find that much time (heck, a few days I'll splurge for a motel... come inspire me) J |
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