A Journal of Sorts
"once you tell someone the way you feel you can feel it getting more real" ~ James Taylor ~ alas, I am as I am whether anyone believes it or not and with or without external confirmation from anyone or anything, I am as I am... me... it's my illusion, after all (both sides too) so for many years (for at least half this life, in fact) I felt (with all of my senses) the external reassurance day after day in the physical world because there were intimate friends and lovers and children who knew and loved and trusted me unconditionally... it's been a few years now since I felt that in person reassurance or validation or reflection... so long not to share... and tears flow whenever I remember and tears flow when I look around tears of happiness when I remember tears of longing when I look around remembering the love that once surrounded me there's no greater feeling in this universe looking at the emptiness that surrounds me there's no way to feel any worse and ok, so Michelle Pfeifer tore me apart a few minutes ago with the final scene from The Story Of Us (when I stifle the writer in me who wants to improve the script, it's a fantastic final monologue and even with the writer, it's one of my favorite bits of acting and yeah, it probably has something {oh?} to do with the fact that my last profound relationship was with someone who looked a little like Michelle Pfeifer and had a personality a lot like the character she portrayed and unfortunately, in real life my partner did not find it within herself to break down and play that scene... sigh... phew)... and tears flow whenever I remember and tears flow whenever I look inside tears of bliss whenever I remember tears of aching hunger not satisfied remembering the love and trust of the children there's no greater feeling in imagination looking at the empty spaces in my heart there's no imagined worse sensation and then it was A Little Princess to top off this morning catharsis and I hear the muses are laughing at the emotional puddle that I can become... did I mention I watched The Princess Bride the other night?... oh, but to reunite parent and child, to return from squallor and abuse and oblivion to comfort and security, that's a wonderful fantasy I've lived (ummmm, live)... thud thud thud (heartbeats)... time for a break... ah, saved by an old friend from childhood, Jerry Lewis... it's about time I acknowledged one of my first and most important early role models... he helped me develop my babbling ability... now you can blame him J |
JOURNAL INDEX |
TURN THE PAGE |
THE SAME-TIME MENU BAR - FOR EACH GARDEN AROUND THIS SAME TIME NEW KIT WORKLIFE LIFETIME JOURNAL HEARTBEAT WANTS |
