A Journal of Sorts
"when everyone around you tells you you're doin’ fine they’re gonna drive you crazy so don’t close your eyes and swallow all those lies don’t believe what you’ve been told ’cause you’ll wake up one day knowing nothing they say can satisfy your soul" ~ Jerry Rafferty - Joe Egan ~ a pause in the worklife (not that there is anything much to read about as there's nothing new to write about and I haven't had time or computer access to ramble on about nothing in a while) and I come here... mail was a mess cuz I didn't download in a week cuz the car wasn't going more than a mile or so until I fixed the brakes (did that Monday... I think it's Wednesday now)... and I heard from one of you in response to my way sleepy and hurried inquiry about whether updating these journals (and specifically catching up on the past in progess journal entries after I'm gone a while) matters... not a very good turnout, huh?... but being the insatiable child I still very much bounced around (in my mind, the body barely moved due to being mostly asleep) when I found a sliver of attention in the mail when I checked it (ever so briefly, since it was between stops and more than half asleep... in fact I've fallen asleep sitting up with this laptop on my lap the last two times I turned it on in the last two days... and I didn't actually catch up on sleep {there's a debate over whether one can actually catch up on sleep and scientifically I believe it's impossible yet I know I have many times, in fact, most times I wanted to as long as I had the means [space and peace] to sleep a duration this mind and body required for the alleged catch up... but that is another story I will probably touch upon a little later} and so maybe there is more than the one response of attention and support waiting for me to find in the piles... there's always hope) J ok, but the question was not what importance the updates and journals and ramblings have to me... the question was what importance does my writings have to the world, humanity, the universe all outside of me... I'll continue no matter what cuz it's what I do... but is it wasted on the rest of you?... does it matter to anyone but me?... I'd like to think it does, not just cuz I want to share and I want appreciation or ego stroking, but because I'd like all this time and energy that I put into words to mean something outside of my head as that would mean I mean something more than what I mean to myself... and how much and why?... or something like that... anyway, I'm still groggy as I sat up mostly asleep trying to sort through mail last night (cuz it's the only time I could have online yesterday or today) and today was broken sleep cuz I'm at Rasputin's and Raspy's is not the place for peace and quiet so sleep is broken many times and rarely more than a few hours at a shot... I probably should have headed over to Mina's, but I want (and it's becoming a need) to clean out the car, sort through the stuff, and do laundry and there is actually a lot more space to do that here than there, maybe... meanwhile, I'm too tired to get up and begin and I know the moment I step from this room I'll have requests for my time and won't get much done in the sleepy state I am in... alas, maybe later or another day... . o O ( what about today? ) O o . it is possible that this month of May, 2001 (dating myself, must mean something, huh?) could be presented as a fair representation of the overall state of beings I've been experincing for some time now (and currently) so I'm thinking maybe I should mention this in the next update letter I send out to friends and strangers (time?)... maybe I'll even start including the official riclists (my personal and public address books) in the mailings, finally (the fact that I don't use them is a clear sign that ego hasn't been in control for this period... on the other hand, it could be just a ploy to lull us into thinking ego hasn't been in control... egos are tricky, ya know... and s'il vous plais, excuse the giggling if it's offending you at all... anyway, wanna be in it?) J sometimes I add layers after the fact but still it's not fantasy I use the relativity of time to create reality it is my life after all, you know? but even if you don't I will share everything with you even if you won't and maybe someday someone will come along who wants to collaborate on this song create your part as you wish, make it fit and then you are also a part of it and share in the power of calling it ours if you can share freely than it will last and share everything that you've ever been for everything is built upon the past we're never finished so don't let it end that is the essense of being a friend and maybe someday you will understand what I have been doing here with my hand so I popped back over to Rasputin's... I probably won't be here too long as I'm working again in a few days and the place is still as crowded as ever... definitely not a comfortable place to relax and 24/7 minimal or no privacy... I haven't been here in at least ten days, but it's still the same... Raspy is only here two or three hours an evening (if that much) cuz he works so much, so the sink and counters are is still full of dirty dishes and the fridge is still overloaded with weeks old leftovers... maybe I'll toss the old stuff today if the kids don't get in the way (like that might happen... coming here is like going to work, except here it costs me a lot more money... still, it's good to see Raspy even if it is for just an hour or two while we're both trying to catch up on mail and find a moment to clear our heads)... the pest control spraying I did seems to be helping, though with the food still all around the bugs still show up... just mostly dead now... I will have to spray again at least monthly to maintain some modicum of balance between bait (dirty dishes, food) and poison (cuz I'm not here enough to clean up even if I wanted to)... so what else is new? J . o O ( time to see about catching up a bit... laters ) O o . and it is now later J well, a couple of days worth of catching up was all I could squeeze into today before the privacy for writing time was over... so if the few of you out there reading have the time, you can look back to somewhere around the end of last month (when the last session began) and see if it was actually worth the time and so on... sure I'd like to believe my time spent writing is worthwhile, but realistically, it's not saving the world, eh?... anyway, I guess I'll have to head over to Mina's for any more privacy time if I want any this week (and definitely I do miss it)... maybe tomorrow if I'm rested enough to clean out the car tonight or more likely, in daylight in the morning (would be wise)... and then, an unexpected surprise... to be around a TV that I can control when the final (or is this the next to last) episode of Voyager is on... I'm gonna watch (hoping it's the final episode cuz who knows where I'll be next week)... the Star Tek series (and characters) have been a good escape for me over the years, though I still prefer Next Generation among the shows... . o O ( time with the tube ) O o . oh well, it was the next to last episode, so next week, who knows... one day at a time... meanwhile I am falling over tonight so maybe I should take advantage of a day off and actually get some sleep (genius, huh?)... so as I very quickly fade into the sofa (hoping for some peace and quiet tonight), I shall hope to put this computer in a safe place so it doesn't fall off my lap (though in actuality, that might be the safest place if the body wasn't crying for some supine time) and the kid doesn't get to it while I'm asleep... nite nite... and may the farce be with you J |
JOURNAL INDEX |
TURN THE PAGE |
THE SAME-TIME MENU BAR - FOR EACH GARDEN AROUND THIS SAME TIME NEW KIT WORKLIFE LIFETIME JOURNAL HEARTBEAT WANTS |
