A Journal of Sorts
"gets so lonely there’s really nothing left to say gets so lonely and everything’s so far away no one is right and no one’s wrong how can I say right now which side I’m on?" ~ Joe Egan ~ I wonder if it matters if I catch up on the notes for the past (or any) in progress entries... hello? hello? hello? hello? hello? hello? J a call for an extra shift . o O ( time passes ) O o . and later in life, one response comes... one super huge one on one thank you hug... and still I wonder all the more and yet, if one person appreciates this time I spend here in words even a little, then it may be worthwhile... and if one person somehow benefits from this time I spend here in words, then it is worthwhile... for the world is one feeling better for my being here... and this is truth to me... and this is how I feel... and yet, am I also greedy to want to touch more?... to feel more?... to share more... especially in the physical spaces because I still live in this physical body... am I egocentric to want more than one person to feel, to appreciate, to somehow benefit from my thoughts and feelings and energy?... I think not, and yet, without another all there can be is one... and yet it is beyond my judgment to judge myself fairly and the last thing I want to do is diminish the appreciation I feel for each one, even when it's just the one person... a faithful friend... dream... I wonder how many or how few can truly understand how much the creative muse hungers, demands, needs the feedback... for the muse without a friend shares only loneliness and wonder and uncertainty and egocentricism and fantasy (though fantasy isn't so bad) am I alive? and how could I know? is anything seen if it doesn't show? can I survive without sharing? am I alive without caring? beyond doubt where is reason does certainty require corroboration? to live without the change of season and no mirror to reflect sensation if all we play is solitaire how can we be sure we're here? maybe some of you don't care maybe you are lost in fear or maybe deep within despair you forget how to share jaded by rejection and abuse you cry out what's the use and give up all you can feel uncertainty is all that's real insanity has strange appeal when you're down to your last meal and all the time you eat alone forgetting what life is about losing all you've got inside cuz you don't let it out are you alive? and how could you know? is anything real if it doesn't show? can you survive without sharing? are you alive without caring? beyond doubt where is reason does certainty require elaboration? to live without the feelings of others no response to your visitation would you be satisfied as a ghost? as the invisible unknown host? is it enough for you to live and die without anyone ever knowing why? and all the time you spend alone wondering what life is about losing all you've got inside cuz you won't let it out are we alive? and how could we know? does anything matter if it doesn't show? can we survive without sharing? are we alive without caring? beyond doubt where is reason does certainty require collaboration? to live without sharing the caring no response to your masturbation |
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