A Journal of Sorts
"looking for something that might have some meaning looking for something that might make me feel alive looking around for the right situation where I can believe what’s happening right in front of my eyes I think I’ll stay in one position, and just leave well enough alone I’m never satisfied ’til I’ve been disillusioned oh yeah, it must be my imagination I always think there’s a better place to be..." ~ Gerry Rafferty ~ the biggest pain for the writer (and in turn, the semblance of sanity that I find in writing) is the lack of comfortable writing space... for the moment, I'm sitting lopsided on a bed leaning awkwardly on a couple of pillows and hearing from my neck (and assorted other muscles) that I must change positions soon... at the moment the temperature is at least ninety degrees in here and my brain is strongly urging me to find a way to cool off... with these distractions (among others), even a few minutes of quiet solitary time is not condusing to the creative process... still, I persevere and I finally got the latest update to KIT online and it's full of new links to other writings... always hoping for a response J I'm not relaxed or comfortable enough to let myself go into the rambling at the moment... too much need around me and as long as I am in someone else's space, I won't close doors and I will keep giving so at any moment someone can walk in and take my attention from my writings, from my therapy, from my mental and emotional organizational process... not a great place to be and if I wasn't already complete and settled inside, it would be a dangerous situation... but I came into this life without need beyond survival and independent security, so I can sustain openness and giving indefinitely... still, parts of me are selfish, I'd like to receive (not to mention explore my depths and creativity independently) too, but that is not to be just now... so I did the dishes because there were no more clean glasses or silverwear... there were so man things to be cleaned that the hot water ran out before I could finish, but at least the sinks are empty... there's a whole lot more cleaning to do but I shall leave it for others who live here or at least for another time... when the hot water heats up again I'll see about a shower... though as I write this I hear I am no longer alone in this space (time alone in space with the gardens is so very short these days... and yet, there is still so little sharing going on in my world cuz nobody comes into my gardens {or shares their own} to share what the inside... the same old story, too intense, too intimate, too open and honest and serious and irreverent and silly and innocent and so on and)... so for here (meaning the gardens) now, later... . o O ( until there is more time ) O o . the good thing about being here right now is the play with the kid (she's all of five going on forty, so when I can remind her that she's five it's very thereputic for both of us... and WOLD plays in my head... actually, what I need is someone forty going on five... I always did go for older women) J anyway, we watched The Emperor's New Groove and Big Daddy, the latter I had seen before... both were fun to watch and will probably be added to my library eventually, though neither seems headed for my favorites shelf... we told each other stories (Goldie Locks and the Three Bears, among others) at bedtime and then the grown up kids sat back and watched Little Nicky... meanwhile, I kept my computer on my lap and typed on and off since I saw the films before and even if I didn't I wanted to try to focus on updating these KIT pages... someone must be reading, right? (hope, always) J anyway, tonight I find my subconscious demanding that I face what I wrote earlier today... it began with my appetite, which finally felt the pressure on my abdomen while I was eating and said no more... naturally the obligatory headache followed (hopefully not for long)... and for the first time in many months I stood in a steamy shower (at 3AM there is only one other person awake here... he's engrossed in playing some computer game)... and after the shower I laid down (getting the bed wet, so now I sleep on a wet bed, but it is a serous reminder of how out of shape and neglected this body has become... I clocked my pulse rate at about 130 and focused respirations at 6 per minute... did that ever trigger the briefest glimpses of cellular memories of different levels of conscious awareness... so long since I slept in... so long since I woke up... so long since I felt alive so long since I shared true love so long since I gave it all used to be all I could dream of so long, so it seems so long since I dreamed so long since I let it out so long since I cried lost so long in fear and doubt so long since I let someone inside so long, it appears so long since someone cared and words come through from time to time praise or commiseration something connected in rhyme but lacking the sensation so long since I felt the touch so long since the passion flowed so long since I shared the trust only innocent lovers know so long, so it goes so long since it showed born into this world alone damned if we don't share to live a life in monotone to never know to care to never grow to care just madness and despair just hoplessness and fear damned if we don't share to never know to care for some it may be enough to live vicariously I don't know what is right for you but it's not enough for me no it's not enough for me that is insanity and not enough for me and words come through from time to time praise or commiseration something connected in rhyme but give me more sensation I want more sensation share much more sensation so long since I felt the touch |
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