A Journal of Sorts
"Earth falls far away new life awaits time, it has no day new life awaits here is your dream and now, how does it feel no words will go with you and now, what is real?" ~ Moody Blues ~ whatever could it mean to be alive?... have ou ever pondered the question?... for how long?... when did you first start asking?... have you ever been satisfied with an answer?... for how long?... what kind of child were you?... I may have been a precocious child by most standards... I certainly spoiled myself, though I did not have much in the way of toys or child stuff... I found friends who did and moved in... I became a relatively private child after I learned that my openness, curiosity, and desire to share scared most people away... I have always been an extreely sensitive and acutely sensual child, but social morees forced me to reserve much of my physical experience to fantasies and selected individuals... I was mostly a happy and friendly child, except when I was told how I was supposed to act and then I'd become a very rebellious and moody child... I was and am a free child and strongly oppose giving up that freedom unless I choose to... I was a philosophical child once I was confronted with the confusing and contradictory rules I was supposed to live by... I became a sadder and disillusioned child when I finally accepted that human culture is largely based on hypocrisy and lies... and now I am in transition... I wouldn't exactly call it growing up, but I'm definitely more tired and less of whatever made me a child than I ever was... the game is not over, but it's definitely less fun and more like work to live lately... I think it's mostly because I haven't been sharing the magical stuff of life and I haven't been creating it inside me much... I don't think it's gone, but it's kind of forgotten temporarily... on the shelf along with everything else... especially the music, I miss the music... the passion of the song... and the infinite playground of imagination... and love... the wonder and excitement and hopeful passion of love... and the running... the physical exhileration and power and control of being in touch with the body and taking it to new heights of awareness... and the energy... all on pause... and nobody is around to really care in the physical world... nobody is around to be inspiration... nobody is around to motivate... nobody cares in the day to day life and it's easy to look around and see the apathy around me and allow myself to become part of it... I don't attract anyone with energy and the magical positivity I used to exhude... maybe it's no longer here, even in my words... even if it is, it appears to be only in words now... otherwise I'd attract others who would care as I do and we'd inspire each other, right?... well, I think so anyway... so have I passed out of childhood?... that's a very sad thought since as I see it, passing out of childhood is dying and I don't figure on dying for long... maybe I burned myself out and life is coming to a close for this body... and maybe I just need to find the inspiration to will myself to get back to running and feeling and living again... can this heart physically take the ups and downs I'm putting it through?... poor diet (basically the average American diet) and lack of exercise and fluctuating weight gain and loss and so on... and no medical check-ups... poverty kills... guess I just have to find a doctor to care about me J which leads to yet another wondering... where are all the intelligent and thoughtful people?... other than through the written word, I haven't had a serious in-depth conversation about anything in years... and since Toronto I've sure had a lack f intimacy of any kind... nobody has time or interest, apparently... maybe it's the area... does sunshine kill brain cells? J I probably don't mean to be smiling there J but then, maybe the child isn't quite as gone as we think... J |
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