A Journal of Sorts
it's been so long since I've sung a song I've forgotten just how it goes but it may not matter I'm mad as a hatter and just what that means... who knows?... for one thing, I am tired... deep tired... and everything around me (and I mean everything) is stretched to high-stress limits... the question that can probably only start to be answered by autopsy is just how much damage is being done by the stress... still, stress can have positive effects as well as negative effects... without stress, growth can not happen, muscles can not be built, limits can not be tested and expanded... how much is too much?... as far as I can tell today, some things can only be guessed... what is certain is that I've become sloppy and unfocused... lazy and out of shape... old and fat, at least inside... and one obvious sign is how long I've gone between songs... how far from music I've gone... how unphysical and out of touch with this body I've become... how close to average... how sad... but the madness to which I so occasionally (and consistently and sometimes often) refer to is that I am not sad, just depressed, repressed, suppressed, and unexpressed... living in a wonderland created in my mind I experience this life on a wide variety of levels (where and how awareness, perception, and energy are focused), currently staying far away from the physical (and judging from the typos, staying away from the spellchecker as well, huh?... ah, at least I'm not staying away from my personal sense of humor)... giggles, appropriately or not... and happily I still stay away from judging what is or isn't appropriate or proper or whatever most of the time... still, I have not completely detached from the physical so the discomfort is almost everpresent and for at least 75% of each 24 hour period I hear the calls of distress from my internal organs and muscles... not as loud and clear as needed for optimal health (and definitely not often enough) , but at least it's a majority of each day (which makes for a lot of physical discomfort, but comforts me on other {like emotional and intellectual} levels)... continue... just as constant corrections in the HTML code hopefully create more consistently readable and visually palatable pages in these written gardens on the web, the body requires constant corrections (or tweaking) to remain in optimal health... I've not been focusing any energy on body tweaking for some years now, which is a clear and present death sentence in this life... how many years have I shaved off can only be guessed later, but based on the redundancy of this particular journal entry (and most, perhaps), the intellectual process reflects much aging of the cells... alas... is it truly madness to laugh at death or is that sanity some of the answers may be deliberately beyond me so anyway, without your constant feedback I would vegetate even more so please keep those cards and letters coming in (ummmm, by the way... where have you all gone? and please, even if you're shut down right now, send a word, an empty email even,,, just so you don't forget to care - even if you don't feel it enough to have anything to say/write at the moment)... and listening to Paul Simon (is that Paul?) sing about the relativity of ceilings and floors, and sitting in this less than comfortable position in this less than comfortable body, I wonder where have all the sages and philosophers gone too... just out of view?... whatever can be such a cold word... so today I shall close with I love you (don't believe me?... just come over and see) J |
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