A Journal of Sorts
"how do I feel by the end of the day (are you sad because you're on your own) no I get by with a little help from my friends" ~ Beatles ~ okily dokily, Mr. Hand... the irony is Fagan was a big South Park fan and I get the impression that Ellen is too (if not, she at least does some of the voices really well)... it may take a little time for us to get to know each other beyond the artifacts we leave behind cuz our schedules are kind of perfect for sharing space as much of the time one of us will be home the other will be working... of course my goal is not to work as many hours as I'm starting out with for the long term, but for a few months at least I need to pile up as many hours as possible to renew the concept of savings and fun life stuff that costs money (not to mention paying bills)... and somewhere along the way a few more journal entries and other writings were lost... alas, the moving around takes it's toll on the writing... and those are the writings that will only exist in my mind, further isolating me from all except someone who wishes to dig in there to find all that's been and is and can be... and me, I keep dreaming she'll come along... anybody kapish?... in life there's mostly work, but also some good news from the paperwork as I was able to renew my old Florida tags (license plates) in a few minutes for basic fees and avoided all the extra charges for new tags and possible complications from up north for not having switched tags in a timely manner... sometimes the system cooperates and does not make life more challenging than it has to be... so the car is now registered in Florida until next year... on to other paperwork challenges (and bills to pay)... wandering around this world today I noticed it was Valentine's Day... personally, I never met the guy, but I hear he was a Saint so why not celebrate, right?... ah, once again irreverence smoothes some humor over the big empty space called loneliness... if only I wasn't so insatiable J deeper down I still want to share falling and being in love (amazing huh?... and I still don't feel like a glutton for punishment cuz I believe... so many song cues, we'll just ramble on out of this parentheses without mentioning any so you can choose for yourself)... since I live there (in love) and it gets lonely to be alone all the time when I really want to share everything all the time (or some reasonable proximity), but right now I must focus on step one, believing in people again (in spite of the evidence)... that is, proving empirically that my belief in people is not some foolish illusion I create in my mind as actual experience strongly suggests way too often... get it?... I want to believe there are good people in this world in spite of the cruel ones in spite of the pain so here I am again putting my trust in someone else believing in a stranger who seems much like myself here I am again somehow closer to the precipise aiming for survival hoping I don't miss I want to believe I can trust people in this world in spite of the betrayals in spite of the pain without physical attraction without closing my eyes without vanity's reaction without pretense or lies without fear of rejection the honest protection of balanced compromise of sharing the truth inside does it take living in a trance to be true friends without romance does it take more than we can bear to be real with each other here does it take something we don't understand to be aware life is wonderland does it take something beyond our reach to practice what we preach I want to believe in the goodness of the human heart in spite of the cruel ones in spite of the pain so here I am again trusting someone with how I live to not take advantage to not take more than I want to give here I am again it should come as no surprise aiming for survival a balanced compromise I want to believe I can trust people in this world to nurture me to be myself in spite of the pain there is one who is the one there are few who are lovers there are many who are friends and most are strangers known, and unknown this is what the truth has shown as my garden has grown today I want a friend, will you be my friend?... anybody out there?... I've been away for a week or couple again... anybody miss me?... haven't heard anything at the journal address... what?... you didn't know there was a journal address?... well, actually, as I'm writing this there comes to mind an idea for a specific address just for my journalish ramblings... the closest thing to it is my addy book... want in?... anybody?... I've noticed that the journal flows into rhymes more often lately (as opposed to putting rhymesjournal-inspired in separate gardens and linking them)... on some levels that eliminates some of the obscurity (so maybe I want to be more real and more known?)... on other levels, the fun of the wandering paths might be missed... so I wonder if it is better than rambling in prose and linking to rhymes as I used to... think?... |
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