A Journal of Sorts
"how many days have you just learned to wait does everybody hide is everyone afraid" ~ Our Lady Peace ~ sometimes I wonder if I'll ever sleep again... every night I find something else to do instead of sleep... too bad it doesn't involved another person (oh, would that be Libbo waking up?) . o O ( won't somebody get the jokes? ) O o . . o O ( won't somebody follow ) O o . . o O ( waking up so all alone ) O o . . o O ( the world feels so hollow ) O o . obviously the wrong people are reading the wrong pages... are you one of the wrong people?... how would you know?... what do you think?... well, if you find negativity you may be... if you find no hope you may be... if you are seeking creativity you may be... if you are falling asleep, good night... once again I wonder why people are so quick to lie living in denial whole life on trial every time you fake a smile it's not just you you defile it's everyone who sees and believes and I've finally remembered why I can be just as repulsive as I can be attractive... I am a natural lie detector... and if I reflect the lie I am instinctively repulsive because nobody wants to see themselves in a mirror when they are lying, especially not when they are lying to themselves... a subconscious mirror, heavy huh?... and when I do not reflect, I must actively forgive or I am passively passing judgment... profound... it makes sense, trust me... or don't, it's your loss either way... unless you understand... do you wash between your ears do you wash between your toes do you wash away your fears do you think nobody knows everybody knows what they want to know and some people do see all the secrets you don't even tell yourself are way too obvious to me do I make you paranoid? you do that to yourself am I someone you avoid hide up on your shelf passing time with yesterday holy books and feet of clay throw a stone and then you pray mind if I don't go that way bits and pieces of famous rhymes that no one ever read cuz nobody found the author until he was dead now you can only wonder what else was in his head cuz while he was alive you never heard a word he said make him a martyr for your guilt that's rationalization for you so you got away with murder and now they all adore you or else they all pray for you do I make you uncomfortable? you do that on your own what do you think is beautiful? are you alright alone? passing time with yesterday holy books and feet of clay throw a stone and then you pray mind if I don't go that way ah, but it is lost in the depths of the volume of the obscurity... the massive missives are too much for this momentary multimedia culture that demands instant gratification... the depths of the human condition are beyond earshot of a sound bite mentality... I don't know, can you quote me?... I mean, can you?... easy answers are not blowing in the wind, they are handed to you on a silver platter and of course, that makes them right... no need to look deeper, you might miss the dessert cart... if I give up on the dream (or experiment) that somebody will see through the messes I make and reach beyond the obstacles I place around me to find the potential I've not yet tapped except in private showers (at least until six years ago) and occasional slumber parties... what then?... do I die alone or do I live for myself... sometimes I wonder if I want to live just for myself... it really is a lot of work for just one person... now more than ever I could use some good influences... motivation to exercise... of course it is challenging to motivate myself to work up a sweat when I am not certain I have a place to shower... and then there's the challenge of showering in a two foot by two foot box under a 6'6' ceiling and a 5'6" showerhead that doesn't spit out enough water to rinse hair well... not to mention the lack of heat... yes, the challenges are great excuses to die if I want them to be, huh?... I'm cold... cold... cold... I really should have napped longer in the afternoon... I slept sitting up on the couch for an hour or so... and midnight passes hours ago and it's too late to get some sleep now... it's too cold to take a shower (especially since I forgot my towels at Phil's... drat, I don't have another clean towel in the car... I've noticed that bouncing from one couch to another is a great way to lose clothes and stuff)... so another push for this body (and I won't why my blood pressure has been reading higher than ever lately... fatigue, stress, poor diet, no exercise... how do I set up a heart attack, let me count the ways... yeah, I'm funny... next up, hearse jokes... |
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