...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ...
A Journal of Sorts
"most times you can't hear 'em talk
other times you can
all the same old cliche's
"is that a woman or a man?"
and you always seem outnumbered
you dare not make a stand..."
~ Bob Seger ~
ok... just when I think I can settle into someone's helping hand for a few moments, everything changes... so here I am... on the road again... and here I am... up on he stage (the show must go on... that's life, that's what people say... and so it goes... la)... it sometimes becomes challenging to find an electric outlet to plug into, but as long as I can I'll babble on for babbling is life... listen to any baby if you have any doubts...
Rasputin's house got overcrowded again and Al's room that I was using was needed for Sam's younger sister who broke up with her boyfriend so rather than force Raspy to share his room again out of the kindness of his heart (and he is too kind) or park on the outdoor couch or the big chair by the front door, I bounce back into my ever faithful station wagon... wondering when I might have to start using a pen and paper again... anyway, I figured they had enough of my lazy lunacy around there for a while...
then again, it isn't exactly laziness... I did scrub their kitchen (including stove and fridge and floor... wonder if they'll notice) and vacuum... it's more preparedness... I'm into cat mode, sitting still and observing my surroundings, looking for something or someone to play with and for the next big foot I might have to jump quick to avoid... luckily, the animal spirits in me are alive and well or I'd probably be institutionalized by now... the animals understand... most are a lot smarter than people...
anyway, with the sudden loss of space at Rasputin's, I've got to find another place to live and fast since I don't really have anywhere to go that has room for me... and the nights are still surprisingly cold (and some days, like today)... there's no heat at Florey and Mina's (and even less space than at Rasputin's), so the car is home for now... me and this laptop will stop by to visit and wash a bit and plug in now and then... it'll be a few weeks before I get my first paycheck from the new job, so life is even more challenging for a while... just when I thought I had a room for a couple of weeks (ok, don't start grumbling now, it wont do any good)...
there's just no time for self pity today... I just found out Florey went back into the hospital for pain management and that means Mina and Barney need the energy and help I can give (so dig down deeper and find some more... sometimes I don't feel so blessed to have a bottomless supply, ya know?)...
. o O ( the sounds of time passing and helping others ) O o .
sure enough, it cost me money and energy... it always does... I love them but they need so much... and the giving does help me too, I'm just inching closer to not having anything to give or even feed myself with... meanwhile I have cases of pasta and other food at what's her name's and still more food I bought at Rasputins... from now on any food I buy is staying in the car...
mostly... well, some of it...
I drove Barney down to Disney (about 80 miles round trip and with traffic and rain, it took a few hours) to pick up tickets to Cirque Du Soleil (did I spell that right?... does it matter?) but it turns out the tickets cost almost twice as much as he thought... why didn't we call?... alas, good intentions... he wants Valentines Day to be perfect for them and the tickets were supposed to be a surprise, so I'm not knocking the effort at all... just wish gas money and car repairs weren't beyond my current budget... the car does not stay cool in traffic, even in 50 degree rain... must check oil and water when the rain stops... why do I always seem to be put out on to the street in the cold rain?... rhetorical question, of course... but anybody who cares enough to want to meet me somewhere and give me a nice warm hug (or just sit and talk, we don't have to hug if you don't wanna) is very welcome... where are all the people who are not depressed and needy?...
sometimes I wonder if there are any...
so here I sit in Florida with cold fingers and toes tapping on this keyboard cuz it's really the only one who listens to everything I think and feel... everybody else has their own stuff to deal with I guess...
I spoke a while to Phil (seems we both had phone company "disconnect" problems in the past week or two) and as usual he had some good advice and sensible supportive thoughts... that's what I like about him, but don't tell him cuz his head might get bigger or somethng (wink) J
every time I think of him and his wife the singer/dreamer child in me looks up wondering if I'm going to take singing more seriously this year (every year, the dream mists more and the child wonders why... insecurity?... could be more than I'd like to admit... that child would like nothing more than for someone to nurture the voice out of me and be gentle if there's nothing left to praise there... on the other hand, there's a confident part of me {just ego?... maybe, but I believe it's much more} that still believes I touched the essense of the vocal instrument more than once in this life... an essense few have ever known to actualize... this body, especially the abdominal muscles and diaphragm, laughs at the idea of using it as a vocal instrument these days... but I remember... and I dream of returning to that place again... maybe I should consider some sit ups... ahem)...
dreams don't die, they just fall asleep...
would you listen to me sing
when I'm not aware
and tell me honestly
what you hear
would you nurture this dream
to reach the perfect voice
I don't want to be just another karaoke catcher
would you believe in this choice
I have a dream
and it's all that I have
right or wrong
what else can I do?
whatever happened to tape 454
and others never taped that might mean even more
would you wander with me through that tightly guarded door
to that place, to that time, to before...
would you be there in the garden of Gesthemene
would you feel the blood dripping sight unseen
would you rise above the fear when the tears fall
would you stand by my side when I give my all
would you believe in me
give me the benefit of doubt
would you believe in me
and help me get myself out
would you help me out
(there must be some way out of here)
back to life, back to reality... Mina felt up to going shopping and they went without me, a good sign, and she cooked spaghetti and meat balls for dinner... I called Florey and spoke to her for an hour or so and she's optimistic about the treatments and hopes to be back home next week...
meanwhile I'm still wondering what the heck is going on with my feet cuz those bites are back, but still just on the feet and lower legs and I'm wondering how much might be stress related...or maybe my socks are infested with microscopic bugs?... or maybe it's again being in a place that is not clean and therein has Florida bugs at floor level... I didn't have these bite itchies all year at Ben's or at Fagan's and I slept on the floor all year... I showered more there though... sitting here on Florey's bed and hearing Mina tell me it was flea infested when she brought it in here a few months ago didn't help... not having my own space is not fun when the itching is maddeningly distracting... not as amusing as hemmorroids, I know, but even more distracting... I don't seem to be able to find amusing anecdotes much lately, huh?... wonder if Ricky Nelson had a problem with insect bites at his garden parties... you had to be there, or remember an old journal entry, at least... obviously I need a lot of benefits of doubts these days...
where was I?... excuse me, I forgot if I was supposed to be trying to be more clever or witty or interesting here... does my never-say-die attitude show through or should I do a few literary flips or something... Phil called back while I was on the phone with Florey and said I could come over there tonight for the weekend... he actually lives near the new job and I have to head over there tomorrow so I said I'd stop by... Mina was already cooking spaghetti here and I sense she could use a little time tonight...
strange to this world
empathy
fingers uncurled
call to me
so many wrapped up in
insecurity
it means nothing to me
it means the world to me
to conquer fear just use
honesty
but it must come from inside you
if you want it to be yours
if you want it to have any meaning
you must feel it in your pores
if you want it to have any power
you must create it within you
energy, confidence, security, peace
that is all you need to do
honesty
will lead you to what is true
first you must be honest with you
I feel your fear
I feel your pain
you can tell me it's not there
you can tell me again
I feel your doubt
I feel your need
you can tell me anything
I see you bleed
strange to this world
empathy
fingers uncurled
call to me
innocent touch
sincerity
it is all we can be
it means the world to me
to understand just use
honesty
but it must come from inside you
if you want it to be yours
if you want it to have any meaning
you must feel it in your pores
if you want it to have any power
you must create it within you
energy, confidence, security, peace
that is all you need to do
honesty
will lead you to what is true
first you must be honest with you
and 4am as I'm tapping these keys and getting into some deeper thereuputic rhyming, Mina tip toes into the room... she needs to talk... and spend some time... the daddy in me won't say no, so the deeper self-healing is put off for another time... she shows me all the candies and other gifts she got Barney for Valentine's Day... young love... I've never been one to enjoy vicarious emotions much, but it's still sweet... the chocolate too... maybe I'll find some this year... young love and chocolate, sigh J
THE SAME-TIME MENU BAR - FOR EACH GARDEN AROUND THIS SAME TIME
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