...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ...
A Journal of Sorts
liar
liar
~ ~
it's starting to sink in just a little... doesn't anybody know how to share without hurting each other all the time?... doesn't anybody care about anything other than themselves?... yeah I know, self-interest is self-preservation and honestly we all need to look out for number one first...
but so many people just seem to step on other people and not just to get what they want, but just for the heck of it... maybe it's to get back at other people who hurt them... and I seem to attract these people...
mean people... cruel people... people who willingly and actively hurt me when I trust their smile and offer of friendship... betrayers... hypocrits...
liars...
so once again I trust someone who turns on me... once again I gave unconditional trust and moved into someone's space because they invited me... insisted, even... paid for the move (rented the truck), even... paid to have my brakes fixed, even (brake line fixed, still needs more work on the rear brakes)... very generous, wonderful, beautiful friend being a friend... I am your friend were the words used to convince me there would be no betrayal here... convincing... and I believed it... I was bought...
but that rug I stepped on was yanked right out from under me... a half hour to get out... and out on the street I went, once again... how can people do that to each other?... I mean, I helped her move in last year... she said repeatedly over the year that she had an extra room and welcomed me... and when she asked me to stay there while she was away for the month and insisted on paying to move my stuff over cuz I definitely could use the loan, I accepted this as the friendship she said it was... so she's gone and I was taking care of the place... unclogged the drains... cleaning the oven, fridge, lots of stuff needed some really deep scrubbing cleaning... and we spoke on the phone and she was all smiles and reassurances... I am your friend and suddenly her brothers show up and boot me out without any notice at all... they said I should call them when I wanted to pick up my stuff...
I don't get it... she won't be back for another two weeks, but they wouldn't give me a few days to find another place or even a day to call and change phone service (she told me to put in my own phone line and use hers until I get one installed, even gave me her password for her voicemail... sounded like a friend trusting and helping a friend to me... so I paid for installation of a phone line and now I need to borrow a phone just to have it turned off... and the point was she wanted me there because she did not want to be alone right now so she talked me into moving in)... huh?...
and I believed... fuck me...
ok, so maybe you'll tell me to stop bending over... maybe you'll laugh at my naivity... or gullibility... maybe you'll tell me to stop trusting people, or at least stop giving so much trust... yeah, it might make sense in a cruel world with evil people who are out to hurt you... but in a beautiful world that most believe some all wonderful god created where people spout love and good neighbor and all these holy ideals, I'm not going to be one of the nay sayers casting cynical dispersions on the good thoughts and good intentions of the good words... they can't make me into one of them... and they won't...
so who's next?... I'm available again... unconditional trust and unconditional love is what I offer... maybe the next person won't betray me... maybe the next person won't lie straight to my face with a smile... maybe the next person won't say one thing and do the opposite... maybe the next person will be able to actually live up to some of the good ideals that humanity supposedly believes in... maybe the next person will be a good person...
you?
meanwhile, I stayed up all night on the phone with Mina (who's in the hospital after a severe bout of asthma and other complications... tests, tests, and more tests and hopefully talking to me for 8 hours until sunrise helped)... I still made it to my interviews, barely awake though...
still numb...
THE SAME-TIME MENU BAR - FOR EACH GARDEN AROUND THIS SAME TIME
NEW
KIT
WORKLIFE
LIFETIME
JOURNAL
HEARTBEAT
WANTS
