...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
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A Journal of Sorts
"how can people be so heartless
how can people be so cruel
easy to be hard
easy to be cold"
~ Three Dog Night ~
easy?
I am on the street again... yes, you read right... what happened?...
I'm not sure... last I heard I was asked to start looking for another place and try to be out by the thirtieth (two weeks from tonight) and dont worry cuz "I am your friend and I told you I'd never put you on the street"... that is exactly what she said directly to me, right to my eyes...
yet for still unknown reasons, Aim's two brothers showed up last night and gave me a half hour to gather up whatever I needed and get out... most of my stuff is locked up in her apartment, they took the keys... I didn't want to fight it cuz I'm too nice a guy... I'm still in shock...
"I am you friend" ~ Amelia Airheart
famous last words... I still protect identities by using the made up names that come to me when I first mention the people... maybe it's time to rename her... but then, I don't know if she had anything to do with it, really... our last few conversations went fine... she's still away and thanked me for keeping an eye on her place... she did change her tune from the reassuring "I am your friend" that asked me to move in and loaned me her car and rented the truck and encouraged me to pay for putting in a phone line and forward my calls to her phone and gave me her voice mail password to check messages and forward all my mail to her address and really trust her... to ask me to look for another place so she could be alone as soon as possible when she got back... but the clinician in me saw that possibility and mentioned it to her before she left... just in case she was reaching out to me as another crutch and not really as a friend... and she was...
sometimes I hate being right...
anyway, that was when I got the reassuring "I am your friend" speech wherein she reassured me that she'd be there for me and she would never suddenly put me on the street and she'd give me enough time to find another place even if she wanted to be alone... yeah, well she didn't... her brothers did the dirty work... they said at her request... so much for friends...
a lot of people don't even begin to know the meaning of the words they use to ask for someone's trust... played me for a fool, that's for sure...
maybe she forgot that she invited her very old friend Ben (who introduced me to her early last year) and his wife and daughter to stay there for a week when they visited from St. Louis... they are due here in three days... I don't have a phone to call them to let them know plans have changed... not to mention that I worked really hard moving her into the place when she first moved in there last year and how she told me then and often I could always crash in her spare bedroom... so have I stumbled across just another human liar who smiles to your face and invites you in when you're down and most vulnerable only to stab you in the back when you get comfortable?...
maybe this was pay back for choosing to be friends when she suggested more when we first met?... naaaaa, that would be paranoid of me to think that, wouldn't it?... better off without that crap... trust your instincts, ric... if the gut says no, don't even say yes partially... right...
the worst part of this is I the monkey wrench it throws into the job search, which was more promising this week than ever since I decided I would lower my standards for now and take a lower wage job... how to get cleaned up to be at my best for the interviews for tomorrow... one is a General Manager position... how to fax stuff, receive faxes... how to make and receive phone calls... how to conduct any sort of job search from the back of my car... I think I really need to stay off other people's rugs entirely...
too many people seem too eager to pull them out from under me...
ok, no time for extensive self-pity parties (but I'll make time anyway)... a definite revision of attitude maybe be needed, but right now I'll just do my best to shelve the cruelty and betrayal and survive... I called Rasputin... he's ok with me spending the night there, but he doesn't even have a free couch... and he won't have a phone for the next few days... his roommies misplaced the phone bills and his repeated attempts to insist they keep the place neater (they're really nice people, but one big reason I have not wanted to move in there when he did have a room available was the place is often a mess and with a two year old there, it's often a sticky-food-everywhere-mess and I felt my computer and electronic stuff would be better off in a cleaner, safer environment)... allowing the phone to be disconnected was one way of pointing out the obvious fact that the place is such a mess that the mail gets lost by whomever is bringing it in on a given day... he and everybody else who lives there (except the 15 year old and the 2 year old) have cell phones, after all... there goes the job search...
so much for distracting myself from my challenges... anyway, he already has somebody on his couch, so the big chair was available, but I decided to head to the only people I come close to calling family in the physical world... they don't have much space and the place is cluttered and there's definitely no room for me to plug in anything more than this laptop, but at least there's a phone I can use for local calls (so the job search is maybe not dead?)...
they gave me a bed to sleep in (at Florey's insistence... one of them, Mina's boyfriend, slept on the couch)... I've mentioned them before and stayed with them a couple of times before when I first left Toronto and again last year when I came back from Buffalo... though if I'm going to protect anyone's privacy it's gonna be them more than most... Mina is in the hospital at the moment and not sleeping much, so she kept me on the phone until 6AM (all of the above were thoughts about the events between 7PM last night and today)... they usually stay up most of the night, one reason I met Mina years ago on the web as the night is my friend too...
and I just woke and looked around and realized where I am and what happened last night and am trying to digest it and gather my thoughts and figure out how to reconnect with the phone so I can present a more stable appearance to the hundreds of people I called and faxed resumes to from my telephone number that is locked up at Aim's... why no warning?...
why just dump me on the street on a moment's notice?...
at least they didn't come and drag me away to a gas chamber or something... I can survive the streets... good people, huh?... probably believe in some god and go to some church and all that stuff...
anyway, I called the phone company... of course it'll take a couple of days to flip the switches and get my calls... meanwhile all the calls until then will be on Aim's voicemail and I don't seem to be able to access it from here...
screwed...
maybe Cruella and her fairy godbrothers would be better monikers...
shake it off...
now it's time to see about somehow getting into some business clothes and looking semi-presentable... this is definitely not the way to conduct a professional job search or go on an interview, but it's scheduled already so I'm out the door... suck it up and wobbly as ever, onward to worklife...
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