...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ...
A Journal of Sorts
"I will face my itch.
I will permit it to pass over me
and through me.
and when it has gone past
I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
where the itch has gone
there will be nothing.
only I will remain."
~ Frank Herbert ~
from Dune, Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
(paraphrased)
well, I have a new phone number (maybe I'll keep this one for more than a few months) and a new big phone bill (it's not easy, but I'm trusting I'll be here long enough to pay the installation charges this time) J
my legs are driving me crazy... I've either been nibbled on by some bugs during this week of moving or I'm allergic to moving or something I contacted in this new space... something is creating these little itchy bumps... most are below the knee, especially where the sock presses on the calf and shin... maybe it's cuz I didn't take the socks off much this past week cuz it's been cold outside and Aim had the thermostat around 68 degrees so wearing socks and sweats seems part of living here... another compromise (the naked little boy feels smothered again, but that's what living in this world is about most of the time)... the lack of water pressure is not helping at all... a very major thing for me... I love water... and hot water beating on the skin... alas, next move, better water...
shhhh, focus on the positive... Aim was wonderful to open here place to me and so right on time and hopefully the next move won't be for at least six months or so so I can save some money and pay some bills and breathe...
of course, there's always hope J
I just look at the dream and believe in it and my heart and people and no matter what, I'm gonna keep trusting... with big (though very short) deep breathes squeezed in between leaps (and today, between itches) J
yes, the itching is calling my name...
it's really distracting and not a pretty sight as they change colors and start me wondering if they're becoming exema or some rare flesh eating disease or something but at least it's not painful yet... then again, itching makes me wish for pain now and then as a change of pace... a fine test of will power as every cell in this body is begging and pleading and praying to every diety ever imagined that I'll lose it and scratch until it bleeds...
the itching madness approaches...
I wonder of german measles can start at the feet instead of the upper body... I was wearing a shirt from Germany the other day, after all... I'm considering fleas... not considering getting any, considering whether maybe this place has some... Aim did have a couple of cats until recently... a body can get used to fleas or animal bugs after a while and not notice them... and then it could be I have an allergy to this specific cat fur... or maybe to the stuff Aim might use to control fleas and stuff... or maybe it's the change in temperature and some biochemical reaction to sun spots or meteor showers or something... maybe it could even be the detergent I used in the socks and underwear and clothes, though that would probably be different detergents and bleaches... or somethng growing in or on the clothes that were stuffed in boxes and in the closet for a long long time... and then again it could be stress and some sort of nervous reaction to the changes and crashing cars or shooting stars or something I haven't thought of yet...
the itching madness grows...
so anyway, I turned up the hot water boiler a little cuz it was not scolding (Aim and I will negotiate a fair compromise temperature when she gets back, but until then I can at least burn myself even with slow trickling water)... I look forward to blasting them (legs) soon so and until then I'm smearing lidocaine gel all over them and doing my best to stop thinking about them so they might stop itching so stop reading and thinking about them and change the subject already... don't tell me you're starting to itch too...
the itching madness inches closer...
so what's been happening in the life and times of this itching maniac?... well, yesterday I was out from about 10AM to after midnight... worklife has the day part as I finally think I have the on call staffing position, though I compromised a bit more than I wanted to just to cut through the uncertainty of the VP doing the hiring... the rest of the time after dark was spent helping Rasputin... we picked up his car from the shop so now we both have working cars for a change... and then we helped his newest roommate move in... by the time I got back it was vege time as I didn't sleep the night before... all this time and I didn't know The Wallflowers lead singer was Bob Dylan's son... yeah, like I've been concentrating much these last few years... maybe somebody could help me out and get me back on track?... 128 tracks would be a good start for me... come hold me...
yes, I took a big leap today... I started unpacking J
I stayed here and kinda sorta (so tentative, aren't I?) did a little moving in and making myself more comfortable and unpacked and cooked myself some lunch and dinner and cleaned up the mail, deleting more than 100MB, and watching some toob and napping a bit and doing my best not to scratch... relaxing around the place with privacy and comfort was a great change of pace for me... I might even get well soon, or something like that...
comfort with a big itching asterisk, though...
it's about now that I feel most physically lonely when I just want to curl up in someone's arms and be told everything will be alright and this crawling skin will settle down and stop driving me completely flipping out bananas... I did change my diet rather dramatic ally upon moving in here adding gobs of ice cream and chocolate and even meats to the mix that this body takes in... for a few weeks prior I was cleansing and dropping pounds on that mission to get healthier... so maybe it's the sudden onslaught of cow fats and stuff and sugars combined with the constrictive clothing and sudden cold weather and stresses of changing and moving and all that... I don't think it's diabetes or gout or anything too serious, but then I really ought to get to a full check up including kidneys and liver and vital organs since I didn't do that in the nineties at all... still, mind very much if I scream?...
nothing a stiff shot of benadryl wouldn't help me forget J
all kidding aside (for a change), I am noticing these tiny black bugs crawling around from time to time... fleas are usually too small to see with the naked eye, but then, these are pretty darn small... great, just what I needed in a space where washing my hair is a big challenge... another sign pointing to cutting the hair off... alas, maybe I'll find the one thing I really want/need most of all here, a true friend who will help me get myself back by showing me I can trust someone again... it would be nice to have proof that there is always hope... could be Aim is the friend I've been hoping to find...
and the hot water... that has been missed dearly... I don't know if Aim will want to keep it this hot when she gets back, but until she gets back I'm going to enjoy it and try to remember what I need to remember most of all (thank you some more Aim)... the sensory memory is the deepest of them all... and the longest gone... and the most momentary... and so it goes...
toward the deepest secrets of them all...
THE SAME-TIME MENU BAR - FOR EACH GARDEN AROUND THIS SAME TIME
NEW
KIT
WORKLIFE
LIFETIME
JOURNAL
HEARTBEAT
WANTS
