...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ...
A Journal of Sorts
"perhaps love is like a resting place
a shelter from the storm
it exists to give you comfort
it is there to keep you warm
and in those times of trouble
when you are most alone
the memory of love will bring you home"
~ John Denver ~
even when there's nothing to say, I find something to write
even when there's nothing to write, I write anyway
even when nothing matters, I'll find something that matters to me
that's just my way, even when there's nothing to say
home?... what is that?... for a while I was almost home, but some large part of my core feels home is sharing and I've not shared the spaces I've owned along the way... the door has always been open, but the right person hasn't come along... so home for me has always been inside of me...
home alone...
so maybe I can feel at home here for a little while... a year?... heck, I'd settle for six months... the budget director needs about six months he says... can I get over getting booted out of the last few places I've lived and trust Aim to be the friend she says she is (unconditional) and give the way I give (what is needed, not counting or controlling)?...
just gotta believe there's always hope J
and so I do... I took the leap of faith and trust and packed and moved everything (the boxes and stairs still laugh at me)... this week I am giving myself some me time cuz I was given the luxury of some private space and more comfort than I've had in years (sad story, huh?) and it's been a while since I had both at the same time (thank you thank you thank you) J
I haven't had a comfortable or secure place to live since I left my comfortable house almost six years ago with the hope of making my dreams of love and family come true... sometimes love just ain't enough... and sometimes hope doesn't make it so... especially not hope alone... and I was very alone with my hope along the way... maybe I'm not now... maybe Aim will understand and give me the unconditional acceptance and help me finally work through the betrayals and veing unwanted and thrown out (maybe that's why I'm starting to spit it out more and more this week... trust?) J
new year, new millenium, new start, new place, new friend J
so far, nobody really gets down to the bottom line... so I push myself and trip myself and tickle myself and run into walls and hurt myself and feel sorry for myself and hug myself and do my best to forgive myself and I think I do, but something doesn't click and remains in the way so I'll just have to dig some more and push myself some more and continue...
anybody in Orlando hear me?... anybody anywhere?...
it's so lonely being green... or black and blue... heck...
it's so lonely being lonely (you know the smile)
and I sit here sometimes and I wonder if anybody knows how to share a balanced hug on all levels... giving and taking in equal proportions, matching every levels without trying to... that is connecting, that is becoming friends, family, or even falling in love if the right chemistry and desire is there for both... wanting mutual happiness and fulfillment above all else and actualizing that desire... building the bridges to connect on all levels and giving the space needed to encourage and nurture individuality... it's unconditional love and trust... it's what life's about, where it's at, all that matters...
even when nothing matters...
and until I find someone who can share it, it remains a dream and I spill it out here into words now and then... sometimes in babble, sometimes in rhyme... maybe it'll catch on and somebody will get the idea J
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