2002 HEARTBEATS
"sweethome under white clouds a picture on the wall, it says it all I had a dream long time ago, imaginary like water, I had no colour running free, eternal beauty and heaven, it was on earth the promised land of milk and honey and I see it now the pain it lasts and all is wasted..." ~ Virgin Prunes ~ dragging through pain, I spend most of my time away from my heart... the past weighs a ton, but it's not as much what is behind me.. and what may be ahead of me is not much of an obstacle (or so i'd like to believe, but maybe there's more fear in my way than I'd like to consciously realize)... what is around me is loneliness... a space mostly filled by my roommate, who was here first and so has all of his stuff in every room except my bedroom... and he doesn't share too well, apparently likes his privacy and solitude, and has less of a social life than I do (and mine is a couple of comfortable friends who might do dinner or a movie once a week)... we have different interests and his generally dominate the space as it's his stuff and he's always in it (student lifestyle)... so there's little of me in this space and no comfortable private space to invite anyone into... that's what comes with settling for the benefit of sharing expenses... alas, the luck of finding a roommie or friend that has lots of friends and can help expand my social world didn't happen this time, again... but on the other hand, just because he's not a a cute girl who has lots of friends doesn't mean it's a bad situation... he's a nice guy who seems trustworthy and I definitely could do a lot worse in roommates (and have)... just blahs... and my inner blahs are nobody's fault but my own, so lookng at others or the space is just my way of avoiding dealing with the lazy languishing I am doing in the physical world... the heart is the physical too and it's about time I realize the romance wanes when the exercise stops... so the belly has a few inches more than is comfortable and the pressure on the internal organs (where the heart lives) and energy levels and stamina run low and I guess that's why they call it the blahs... reason doesn't work here... motivation stimulation gotta find it how 'bout you? where's your heart? what's it want? do you believe your love is true? what is the most important thing to you? romance one more chance gotta find it how 'bout you? what are you afraid of? have you been burned by love? do you still believe dreams come true? what is the most important thing to you? all I want is home sweet home and family someone who will build her world around me wander wherever, always together sharing fantasy above all else, giving each other complete honesty sharing everything and working together to make dreams come true this is what is most important to me how 'bout you? sensitivity and intensity gotta find it how 'bout you? what's your dream? what's it mean? do you believe it is what you do? what is the most important thing to you? ah, yes, in spite of the blahs I do think I am ready to wake up.... even ready to take a chance again... yet I wait for the impetus to reawaken this body to come from outside, for once in my life I want someone else to be strong, someone else to take the lead... not in a BDSM sense (or is that BSDM?... anyway, I don't think I'm quite that submissive on any consistent basis, but I definitely can actualize giving unconditional trust and total control what I want to... moments are all that count then, anyway)... if only... if someone moved me enough, touched me enough, reached me enough to believe they wanted me enough... chemistry... passion's plea... gotta find it... how 'bout you?... what is most important to you?... "and we slept happily ever after sweethome under white clouds home is where the heart is" 
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