2001 HEARTBEATS
maybe dec 16 maybe now maybe then more than a hundred days and still... I am still there could have been something made of the life I loved (there still can be) if I would have found someone willing to overcome (you still can) all the pains life can be and the fear of more betrayals abandonments cruelties useries abuses of trust and the power trust gives all losses of faith all losses of hope all losses of power perhaps the most profound power of all the power to give the power to trust trust is the receiving side of love without trust, receiving is conditional dependant on the level of trust no matter how unconditionally love is given the mother loving her newborn child (surely the newborn isn't trusted to do much) the supposed god loving his so-called children (maybe not as clear an example) it is trust that allows receipt of such love and trust expands to faith when continued in the absence of proof or reason the newborn, without thought (or reason or proof) unconsciously trusts feed me bathe me hold me betrayal soon comes in the form of minor neglects the infant learns he or she is not the center of the universe but what is believed? when does conscious awareness of being begin? and when does it dissolve into blind faith? for many the transition is one step the eyes never open free will is never known the decision to trust is never made it remains instinct, following the blind but the mind, once opened to awareness, can not be closed it can be destroyed muffled, stifled, drugged and beaten down conditioned to ignore senses and distort perception and therein diminish conscious awareness but the mind still knows the mind, once opened to knowledge, has knowledge storage is memory forgetting is easily practiced and often mastered to fit in to conform to give up because broken promises make broken dreams broken dreams consume hope and light left with darkness and despair it becomes so hard to care survival seems to become a fight giving up is the only rest for the weary tonight lighten up but what if I gave something and what if I believed in you 
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