2001 HEARTBEATS
"now that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land" ~ Train ~ going through the motions of the worklife and barely there at that, the journal stands alone as the consistent recorder and distraction (as you might have just noticed)... digging deeper, alone, leads to more loneliness and I'm not in the mood to be more lonely... so the heart is quiet... and then, out of the blue (as usual), something comes to stir the tired coagulations... but not new inspiration that might thin the vlood and reate new paths for the flow... rather, the very one, creature from the black lagoon in this metaphor, the empty dark depths of the vacuum that sent me spiralling into the mire in the first place... or maybe the second place... . o O ( just hope it isn't one more cruel game ) O o . it is so easy to share on some levels, the child knows and tells in spite of the vulnerability and high potential for pain in this world... and I've known amazing and cruel heights and depths few, if any, would ever explore... "nothing to confess but I've got scars deeper than your minds nothing to declare but my love for all of mankind" ~ Chagall Gueverra ~ and I'm often told I am a fool for holding on to the depths for so long and worse than a fool for remaining as open as I am... my vulnerability scares most people away and the older I get the more odd it seems to make me in this world... I suppose if I chose to be gay it would be more acceptible in the smaller community of open minds that accept homosexuality, but my attraction is much more for females and no matter how often I hear that a sensitive man is what women want, in actualized shared reality, sensitivity is an albatross... what can be expected of a species based on hypocracy.. but still I have hope... for if I overcome the fears and indoctrinations and brainwashings of thousands of years of hypocritical culture, than anyone can... you just have to want to... no matter what anyone says, no matter how challenging it is or impossible it seems... just don't give up on the fairy tale purity, the innocent dreams you might not remember, but most probably had before you learned the human games and fears... you can... you just have to want to enough... people really do want to care, they're just afraid to care deeply because it can hurt and because of that, don't do it too well and that reinforces their fear... a sad self-perpetuating cycle... so the caring is superficial because the risks are less on the surface... letting go of the age old ways that are obviously not working and trying on some new ideas would seem to make sense, but fear prevents most from this step... fear of change seems a widespread human frailty... and yet, life is change... everything changes... so here I am exploring the recesses of this heart once again... sighing as the wave of loneliness tries to smother me... stretching as the child is allowed to look around and reassure me that everything is still alright, I just have less moments than I did before... but as long as I remember that there is only a moment to experience at any given moment, then everything will be perfect the moment I want it to be perfect... . o O ( who wants perfection though J ) O o . ah, the truth is between the lazy laments, the serious pnderings, and the flippant irreverence... and when I find someone who dares to actualize it in this world, I'll do it too... until then I wander around adapting and fitting in as best I can so I can share what others will share... somebody out there must understand because I do not feel completely alone in this universe, just right here and now in this immediate physical space... in this cyber space, however, I feel you there and thank you for being J 
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