...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...

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2001 HEARTBEATS



"and the night mare rides on 
and the night mare rides on
with a December black psalm
   and the night mare rides on..."


~ Smashing Pumpkins ~






thought December was gone... but the nightmare rides on... what it all comes down to (yes doctor, what is the diagnosis?) is disbelief... disbelief stalls... disbelief numbs... disbelief erodes... disbelief destroys... disbelief kills... disbelief produces the ultimate mind numbing drug... and it can linger for years... for a life time... for ever...

some pay penance
some pay pipers
some payola
some pay vipers
some pay pithe
some pay pathé
some pay first
some pay last

but we all pay something some time
we all pay some thing some time
from the devil to the grand sublime
we all pay some thing some time

screw me, screw you
there's nothing else left to do
screw me, screw you
there's nothing else that's so true

and I send my heart to this numbing place of disbelief more than is healthy and I've trimmed a few decades off this body's life span doing it... who cares besides me? (and when in that numbing place, apathy rules, so it wouldn't take much caing to care as much as I do... and yet I still find myself alone... the intensity is still too much for humans even subdued in the numbing place)... like Dan said, someday you'll all understand...

  at least I haven't let them change me...

just a little sadder than I was
cross my heart... hope to die
lost a little luster, no applause
play my part... will not lie

and even then I find myself slipping sometimes
telling people what they want to hear
it is so easy to forget how to be real
and that is what every one must fear

  I am a reminder...

still a child though grown
tossed out on my own
took care of myself for many years

and then I realized
it's all a pack of lies
that hide the true laughter and true tears

and those tears we don't cry
turn into acid and eat us alive from the inside
and the laughter becomes unreal
to hide our fears and the discomfortable we feel

and no body wants to be reminded
no body wants to face the wasted life
every body looks for the numbing place
so no body has to feel the knife
it turns into strife

  and I am a reminder...

as I look at you
you know what I'm asking
you avoid the question
because I don't ask out loud

but you know it's true
and that's why you don't want me around
the fear of rejection
is an all consuming shroud

shun the silence
what can you say
forced compliance
every body pays

some pay politicians
some pay physicians
some pay police people
some pay for a steeple
some pay underground
some pay for a sound
some pay for a vision
some pay for decision

but we all pay something some time
we all pay some thing some time
from the chakra to the poets rhyme
we all pay some thing some time

love me, love you
there's nothing else that's above
love me, love you
there's the dream we all dream of

is it really easier to choose the numbing place where we're all screwed over the rocky road of daring to risk the rejections that can come when opening ourselves to wanting and feeling love?... what is easy about it?... here I am, cold and alone and wanting for a home and wondering where my next meal will come from as I wallow forehead deep in the numbing place with all the others who choose to hide out here... no one dares acknowledge we feel... just some whining now and then that we'll surely deny if confronted... I don't feel like talking about it now... wherever did we get the idea that it's so much easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility for self...

  actually, it just complicates everything further...

as if nobody would understand... we can't always get what we want and we're too immature to accept compromise or too selfish to work out an acceptible compromise, so nobody cares... great logic, huh?... know anybody like this?...

maybe I am finally beginning to understand the human condition... I've been at it long enough, huh?... succumbing to laziness and depression because it appears easier than facing fears and responsibility... the condition... disease?... and placating those who succumb (give up) because it is easier than seeing the pain they inflict to themselves and each other (and accepting there's a little bit of it in everyone)... the social services... and placing ultimate responsibility for everything out of reach is a real neat avoidance mechanism... the religions...

and then there are all the other crutches (chemicals, social mores, status walls, and more) and avoidance techniques (property, socio-economic structures, conformity, and more) that keep the ceiling low and the cork in the bottle so the genie in us all (or the inner child) suffocates in the numbing place...

I've been there... that's why I'm here










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