by Miranda Hawkins
CHARACTERS
CINDERELLA (a mean-spirited woman)
PRINCE CHARMING (a mild-mannered man)
WICKED STEPMOTHER (Cindy's step mom)
CRUELLA DE VIL (same as always)
GOLDILOCKS (a chatter-box)
RAPUNZEL (an air-head)
PRINCESS & THE PEA aka PENELOPEA (a sleepy head)
SCENE
An elaborate castle dining hall with a banquet table in the center. STEPMOTHER is lounging at its head Upstage Left. CINDERELLA is Upstage, pacing angrily back and forth, mumbling. PRINCE is Downstage Center, watching his wife nervously.
CINDERELLA: (stops suddenly) Where are they?! Everyone should've been here by now! (pauses) Hey, Prince-not-so-Charming!
PRINCE: (rushes Upstage) Yes, dear?
CINDERELLA: Bring me my glass slippers!
PRINCE: But you broke your last pair the other night (to audience) when she threw them at me.
CINDERELLA: What was that?!
PRINCE: (stutters) Um. . . uh, nothing, dear.
CINDERELLA: I don't know why I ever married you!
(STEPMOTHER has been watching with bored interest)
STEPMOTHER: I told you marrying him was a mistake (cackles)
CINDERELLA: Who asked you anyway?! Just because my father had to go and have a mid-life crisis and get remarried doesn't mean I have to listen to your bad advice! Besides, I'm a princess now, which is more than I can say about those two ugly daughters of yours. What was that rumor I heard about Drusilla turning Medusa to stone? Or was she the one that got engaged to a frog because he told her he was a prince?
(STEPMOTHER opens her mouth to retort, but is interrupted when GOLDILOCKS, RAPUNZEL, and PRINCESS enter Stage Left.
GOLDILOCKS: Let's sit over here. (She ad-libs; too hard, too soft, just right, etc.) So Princess & the Pea, what's happening?
PRINCESS: Ever since that (yawn) nasty incident with the pea people have been calling me Princess & the Pea, but that's (yawn) not my name! (Pulls out over-sized name tag) It's Penelopea! (emphasizes the PEA in her name)
GOLDILOCKS: (ad-libs about her own name; locks aren't really gold, more honey-brown, thinking about dying it, what color would be best, etc.)
RAPUNZEL: (to no one in particular) Like, does my hair look okay? (pulls out a huge can of hair spray) After all those years of that, like, totally wicked witch climbing up and down my stunning tresses I have all these, like, humongous split ends!
(RAPUNZEL swings her hair slapping PENELOPEA in the face)
CINDERELLA: We're still missing one person! Why does she always have to make an entrance?! (taps her foot, and look at watch) That's it, I've had it! We're starting without her! I call this Storybook Character Reunion to order.
(Screeching tires are heard then a theme song plays as CRUELLA enters Stage Right)
CRUELLA: You may begin now, Cruella has arrived.
CINDERELLA: (sarcastically) We're SO glad you could make it. (CRUELLA and STEPMOTHER exchange slight nods as she takes her seat) Now that everyone's here we can start by remembering those who weren't able to be with us this evening. Does anyone know what happened to Snow White?
(PRINCE starts serving drinks to everyone)
CRUELLA: Last I'd heard, she'd left her Prince Charming and run away with Dopey.
(Everyone gasps and PRINCE spills a drink all over CINDERELLA. He ducks for cover as CINDERELLA throws the glass at him)
CINDERELLA: Yes, Prince Charmings aren't all they're cracked up to be!
(CINDERELLA gives PRINCE an icy stare as he quickly moves on to the others at the table. He gives STEPMOTHER a warm smile as she says "Thank you." Then stands meekly off to the side.)
RAPUNZEL: Like, where's that Gaston fellow? He was one totally bodacious babe!
(RAPUNZEL swings her hair, slapping PENELOPEA in the face)
STEPMOTHER: I heard he took a nasty fall. (cackles)
CRUELLA: (sarcastic & bored) What a loss.
GOLDILOCKS: Whatever happened to the three little pigs? You know, the ones with (ad-lib about different houses, til the phrase 'huffed and...')
ALL except GOLDILOCKS: We know!
PENELOPEA: I heard (yawn) that they collected house insurance and moved to Beverly Hills. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous is featuring them (yawn) next week.
(The characters continue to talk amongst themselves as STEPMOTHER motions to PRINCE. He walks over, bends down and lets her whisper something in his ear. He nods, smiling, and stands back up.)
PRINCE: I've got an idea; let's play Twister.
(Everyone except CINDERELLA voices enthusiasm. CRUELLA looks bored)
CINDERELLA: Who asked you?! Get to work!
(STEPMOTHER glares at CINDERELLA, but she doesn't notice.)
PRINCE: (to audience) She never forgave me after I called the exterminator to get rid of all those mice. (To STEPMOTHER) I think she's finally lost it, all she ever talks about is her dumb Fairy Godmother.
(STEPMOTHER nods knowingly)
STEPMOTHER: It's the stress of choosing what to wear everyday; it must be burning out her brain cells to have to make all those 'big' decisions.
(PRINCE smiles, obviously glad to finally have someone on his side. Lights go down on all but TRIO: GOLDILOCKS, RAPUNZEL, and PENELOPEA)
GOLDILOCKS: Did you hear what Ariel decided to do?! You know, she's the one who. . . (ad lib about Ariel's life until the phrase "fell in love")
RAPUNZEL & PENELOPEA: We know!
RAPUNZEL: She's, like, the last one I ever expected to become a whaler; she was so into those aquatic vibes.
(RAPUNZEL swings her hair slapping PENELOPEA in the face)
PENELOPEA: (glaring at RAPUNZEL) She always had that (yawn) tacky red hair!
RAPUNZEL: (stage whisper) I've heard it's actually blond.
(PENELOPEA & GOLDILOCKS gasp, horrified. Lights go down on the TRIO and come up on the PRINCE and the STEPMOTHER)
STEPMOTHER: So, what do you like to do when you're not fetching things for 'Her Royal Lowness' over there?
PRINCE: I have a tree house out back where I can go to look at the stars
STEPMOTHER: Really? I've always been interested in astronomy. (pauses) Maybe I could meet you there sometime.
PRINCE: That'd be swell!
STEPMOTHER: So you agree we should ditch the 'Royal Pain'?
PRINCE: Oh, we couldn't do that. (pauses) Could we?
STEPMOTHER: Watch and learn. (cackles)
(Lights go down on PRINCE and STEPMOTHER and come up on CINDERELLA and CRUELLA.)
CINDERELLA: How's that new coat coming along?
CRUELLA: Which one dahling? I have three in the works right now, seal skin, tiger fur, and horse feathers.
CINDERELLA: How lovely.
CRUELLA: Here have one on my cards.
CINDERELLA: Thank you. (reading) 'Coats by Cruella.' That's catchy.
CRUELLA: I know. But as enjoyable as it is to talk about me I really must know how much longer you plan to be dependant on that poor excuse for a prince?
CINDERELLA: I'm way ahead of you, here's MY card.
CRUELLA: Marriage counseling?!
(Lights come up full as RAPUNZEL once again slaps PENELOPEA with her hair.)
PENELOPEA: Will you please (yawn) quit slapping me with your nasty hair!?
RAPUNZEL: Excuse me?! (gets out hair spray.) RRREOW!!!
(RAPUNZEL sprays PENELOPEA. She pulls put a pillow and starts hitting RAPUNZEL with it.)
GOLDILOCKS: (trying to break up fight) Well we really must be going now. (Ad lib's 'goodbyes' and excuses until exit.)
CRUELLA: (To CINDERELLA) This has gotten boring, dahling. I have a deadline to make and more pups to catch. Ta-ta.
(CRUELLA exits as theme song is played. Once off squealing tires are heard.)
CINDERELLA: Oh great, another night alone with you two!
STEPMOTHER: (cackles) How about just another night alone.
(STEPMOTHER stands as PRINCE links his arm with hers.)
PRINCE: (shrugs) Sorry Cindy, but you've never played by the storybook.
(STEPMOTHER and PRINCE exit)
CINDERELLA: (To audience) Was it something I said?
(Dim lights and close curtain.)
|
|
