Episode Report Cards

The Man Who Never Was

Overall grade B-
I recognize a certain weariness within myself of “Foul Play” clones (and said movie was itself a clone of MANY earlier ones predating even Hitchcock) so take this grade with a grain of salt.
Screeching Protagonist Nobody Believes (falling to knees and screaming): “But there was a body here, I tell ya! I walked in this room and there was a body right here!”
Cop: “There hasn’t been a body in this apartment since Jesse Ventura moved out a decade ago!”
Screeching Protagonist Nobody Believes: “But the head was here in a jar by the door, and the rest of the body was over there. And all this furniture was different when I was here 15 minutes ago.”
Friend For 35 Years of Screeching Protagonist Nobody Believes: “I guess you’ve suddenly gone nuts, Bob. It’s sad but it happens.”
Screeching Protagonist Nobody Believes: “Fine! I’ll solve the murder myself even though I’m going up against professional conspirators and I flunked third grade!”
You get the idea. This would have been a perfect season one episode but I’m just not going for Walt and Bruce not believing Johnny after how many times he’s been right. When has he ever confused visions with reality? (Even if he did tell them all the details of "Netherworld" he only had trouble distiguishing reality while in his vision) When has he ever not been justified in what he’s saying in the end, no matter how crazy it sounds at first? Bruce kinda gave him support and he and Walt DID run from here and there with Johnny trying to help him prove what was going on, so it could have been more tedious than it was.
There were also shades of “Enigma” (old people revisiting their past) and “The Outsider” (Johnny gets bugged and followed). It feels a little early in the series to be returning to previous themes.
What saves this episode for me though was Robert Culp’s great performance and the various permutations of the disappearing metaphor. That was really well done.

Johnny A+
Good persistence! Great forethought in having Dana bring all those reporters. I am a little worried about you though when you try to cope with your isolation by visiting an old man when Dana still presumably wants to hang out with you. High marks for drinking Diet Pepsi, which is my drink of choice! But I only have one real question for you. Capers?????????

Bruce A+
You had a DATE!! You had a date!! And what a very fine looking woman it was too! Growl. Thanks for your support of Johnny, however reserved it was.

Dana A
Thanks for coming through again! Oh, and did you see what you were driving!? Well, you must have since you were driving it, but WOW! How did you afford THAT on your salary? Especially with your top shelf wardrobe!

Sarah C
She was there.

Snippy Walt F
I’m really starting to get tired of your ‘tude against Johnny. You’re acting like he slept with your wife or something! Start taking Saint John’s Wort or get a dog or eat a bran muffin ... whatever it takes to chill out. The man saved your LIFE not too long ago, at great risk to his own.

Jeffrey Grissom A
Way to fool those young whippersnappers! I’m not going for you running away from three in shape operatives through the woods but I’ll just assume you used some of your Jeffrey Bond tricks. But why that look after the Diet Pepsi request? You snob.

Government Budget Cutbacks F
So you only have three agents in Maine? Rosemary, June and Bill Stade have to impersonate nurses and a married couple as well as follow Johnny around and escort Jeffery everywhere he goes. When is there time to sleep?

Rosemary D
Ah, you were just doing your job. But did you have to be so snippy about it? Just let the old man have one last game of chess! Oh, and speaking of grades, did you flunk surveillance? You let a cripple sneak up on you and a crippled OLD man escape you on foot!

Bill and June Stade F
Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford were a more convincing married couple!

Stade Girl A
Gotta admire her timing! “Daddy! The man is touching the house!” ROTFLMMAO!!! “*sob* He’s scaring me!” She’s gonna be a scary spy when she grows up.

Barbra DIEsand F
So DIE all spies who betray America! >:-#

Doctor Gibson F
Do you know how many people on this board would KILL to be asked by Johnny Smith out on a date and you dismiss him out of hand?????

Happy Milk Carton Faces of the Week:
Li’l Johnny. WOO HOO!! Buh bye! Don’t show up again next week!! (Did the actor playing Li’l Johnny demand a bigger trailer or something???)

Sad Milk Carton Faces of the Week:
Purdy. Sob!

Moral of the Ep:
“It’s a lot cheaper to post three guards on an old spy and cover up for his messes and move him to a new house every three months than to simply kill him!”

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