“A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.”— Modern English painter L. S. Lowry
ere is Appendix B of the book Suicide Notes by Anton A. Leenaars, Ph.D., a collection of suicide notes from females and males, age 25-59, who committed suicide in Los Angeles County, California between June 1983 and July 1984. All of the misspellings, grammatical errors, etc., of the original notes are left here, and the book gives one of the notes designated as female, as signed by “Your Son Bill,” which I’ve left here.
The subtitle of this book is “Predictive Clues and Patterns.” Though this wasn’t the intent of this book, what really got me was how many of the men who killed themselves did so because of the ending of one romantic relationship or marriage, while the only woman to do this was a lesbian. This totally goes against the usual sex-role stereotypes, where women need their relationships and marriages to last forever but men set out to use them. Out of the 33 male notes, notes #3, 4, 6, 13, 15, and 32 say flat out that the guys killed themselves because of the ending of one romantic relationship or marriage, and notes # 8, 10, 18 and 21 give some indication that this was a big part of what led to the suicides. On the other hand, the women’s notes tend to give the distinct impression that the women didn’t kill themselves until they finally had so many bad experiences that they finally gave up. Of the female notes, other than the lesbian who wrote note # 6, the only note that wasn’t about something all-pervading was note #18, and here the woman seems to have the cognitive distortion common among suicidal people that they’re not really dying so if their suicide has some spiteful effect then they’ll be around to enjoy it.
As I’ve looked at guestbooks for people who’ve sometimes had suicidal feelings, I’ve seen that this same pattern of which gender contemplates suicide for what reasons, also holds true for Europeans. The webpage Regional Variations in Suicide Rates—United States, 1990-1994, from the Centers for Disease Control, said, “Suicide rates are inversely related to level of education, and are substantially lower among married persons than among persons who are single, separated, divorced, or widowed.” The Australian Broadcasting Company, on their web page Suicide rate on the increase, says that also in Australia, “Married people are less likely to die from suicide, with unmarried and divorced people more likely.” I’d rather be among those who enjoy hillbilly music on a hot summer night, or exploring nature, or being with those I love, or cheering for something that will do people a lot of good. This really does tell us something about not only how easy it would be to trash traditional sex roles, but also how necessary, since if we go through life assuming that men don’t take their romantic relationships or marriages seriously, this could lead to a lot of men, especially, getting hurt extremely.
And this playing the dependent role in relationships, really isn’t that surprising. Dr. Herman H. Rubin wasn’t prudish, but didn’t think much of trashiness. His self-help book from 1933, Eugenics and Sex Harmony, says about chastity belts, “The belt was locked by the husband, who could take the key with him, even for a period of years, as certain of the Crusader chieftains did, in that so-called ‘Age of Chivalry’—which was really the filthiest, most licentious and most debasing period in the history of the human race.” The reason for the link between chivalry and licentiousness was that in that era it was trendy for upper-class men to seek after cold, distant, out-of-reach women. Those who were already married to someone else, were very hard-to-get, so seemed very desirable.
Yet this is exactly how upper-class guys of the Middle Ages got their thrills. Books I and II of De Arte Honesti Amandi by Andreas Capellanus, a caricature from that era, include such tenets as, “You must not deliberately try to break up a love affair between a woman suitably joined to another man,” “Being obedient in all things to the commands of ladies, always study to be enrolled in the service of love,” “The state of marriage does not properly excuse anyone from loving,” “Love easily obtained is of little value; difficulty in obtaining it makes it precious,” “Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved,” “On suddenly catching sight of his beloved, the heart of the lover begins to palpitate,” “A man in love is always fearful,” “The feeling of love is always increased by true jealousy,” “When a lover feels suspicious of his beloved, jealousy, and with it the sensation of love, are increased,” “A man tormented by the thought of love eats and sleeps very little,” and, “A true lover is continually and without interruption obsessed by the image of his beloved.” Nowadays women would seem very codependent, if they got thrills by getting romantically involved with married men in that this made them distant and hard-to-get. Yet in the Middle Ages a lot of guys alleviated their own boredom like this, and that’s where chivalry came from. The licentiousness was just a means to an end.
Those suicide notes also tell us how important it is to solve problems before they have such effects, even though, if you suggested to some of these guys that they stop their obviously obnoxious behavior before it ends their relationships on which they depend so much, they’d probably react as if you’re trying to re-engineer their human nature. I would have left the guy who wrote male note #13, since he was clearly very obnoxious, and probably could have learned not to be obnoxious if he was truly aware of what was at stake.
(from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)
MALE NOTES
(1)
Mary
I have signed all of the pink slips for the cars so it will be easier for you dispose of them I don’t want to be here when all the Buzzards pick through of my stuff But if I were you I would Move Back Here And Keep an eye on things for I am sure there will be a lot of looting [rest not clearly reproduced]
MARY-
CALL ME AND LET ME KNOW IF THIS GOT TO YOU
The best advice I have for you is talk to John I
think he is honest, maybe you could make some kind of deal to restore them
for you say you could get the most money—don’t [rest not clearly reproduced]
Please notify my wife Mary Smith
Phone (#)
c/o (?)
BE CAREFUL
CYANIDE GAS IS
IN THIS BATHROOM
(2)
Mary, Jane, Joe, John cant take it
lecturing will get worst now
forgive if you can
Dad
Dear Mary
After last night I know you do love me. You tried so hard to say you don’t but your not speaking from your heart. Listen to it Baby remember in sickness and in health, richer or poorer till Death remember its going to Be our wedding date so very soon. 1 love you you stupid head. SMO I hope you Shno so Deeply. I’ve been wrong but I’m still you loveing husband forever. I’am not sick to do what I have to. Your not like Jane she was a pig your so very different and so special of a person I love you and miss you so very much. Dent drink Don’t let another man touch you honey. Put your ring back in the right place. I cant see how to live with you rebelling from me this is me honey Bill. SMO come to me Baby let me take care of you. I long to hold you in my arms make love to you forever remember! Please I’m your husband Baby.
I set up outside to look like home. My home is with you NO MATTER WERE. Lets go home honey let me love you. Dont rebell any more. Your realy the only one who knows me Bill. Not any one else. I know you also. the cats are gone everything but I know you love me.
Stop it right now. Its me honey Bill stop this nightmare come to me your husband Its not wrong to love me not matter who said it is. I’am here honey I’I1 be out back I have a change of clothes for you. You can take porsch Butt to the park again just our family. I know you love me honey I know I’m in your heart. I’ll be waiting for you no matter where I go. I love you mush pleace rember all the love I have shown you, rember please for God sake rember.
Love
Bill
(4)
Mary,
Please take care of my affairs, this was all my fault of selling house
and everything I brought on myself. I can’t go on living like this. I hope
God will forgive me for taking my own life. I know the church was true
if only we could of lived it better. Take care of yourself. I can’t live
without you:
Love Bill
(5)
I William Smith Do not want to Live anmore I am sick Mary I want to
feel Better
William Smith
P.S. I want to DIE
(6)
Mary
First of all I’d like to say I really don’t know
how this is going to come out on paper. This is a first. These past few
days I’ve had more than enough time on my hands to think. (only of us/
you.) I want only one thing right now that is for us to pull this together
God I don’t know why in the hell it has taken me all these years to be
able to tell you I love you. You needed this all this time. My heart is
puring out for you now. I can only hope its not to late.
I want your love the way it was when you gave me
your all. I now its probably impossible. I’d give anything
What I want to ask is there is chance that we can
rebuild a healthy relationship. I want you to be able to say thats my old
man. Be proud + supportive of me I want to be able to stand behind you
with the same type of actions and feelings I need some time to open up
the way you expect + deserve. I know now I need this counseling to open
my mind and soul to make me a person worth giving your all to + myself
being able to throw this damn sheild Ive been carrying around for so long.
I gave everything I had to a relationship that wasnt worth the fucking
powder to blow it to hell. I guess since that time Ive always been afraid
to be vulnerable. I sat in solitary confinement for weeks crying my heart
out. I swore to myself at that time there would never be another time.
I’ve blown it to hell with you. I can only ask for your understanding and
this guidence Im reaching out for now. I can state truthfully I should
have looked for help earlier. I know I’11 be able to express love to you
if you will find it in your heart to let me. I want you and need you. I
know you feel I’ve let you down. 1 readily admit its be a one way street,
I’m sitting just waiting for this phone to ring
+ pick it up with your voice on the other end. Everytime a car pulls up
I pray that its you. Maybe it will be before the end of tonight Im reach-
ing out please tell me its not to late. I love you. I’11 tell you as often
as you want to hear it if you’ll let me in. love you
Bill
We have got to pull together
(7)
I sit alone. Now, at last, freedom from the mental and physical torment
I have been experiencing. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. What
a choice.
This should come as no surprise. My eyes have spoken for a long, long
time of the distress I feel. The self-imposed isolation, the rejection,
the failures and frustrations overwhelm me. The laughs are all gone and
irrationality has control. There is no way to pull myself out of the hell
where I’ve placed myself.
Please, please respect the dignity of respecting
my wishes regarding no services, etc. It is all spelled out in the personal
file of papers. If the XYZ program does not work out, use the alternate
plan.
I truly wish this could all have ended in a different
way, but that was just not to be.
Goodbye, love, forgive me. May you all find happiness.
Bill
1 The personal file is up to date. All
important documents (stocks, etc.) are in the safe-deposit at (bank).
The deposit box key is on the car key chain. The box at (bank) just holds
some copies of items which are not vital.
2 Don’t forget there will be an extra
$2000 in the (credit union) as life insurance.
3 My IRA and account funds are available to
you as cash as beneficiary. Both at (bank).
4 The Travel file is on the file cabinet in
the bedroom. Contact Joe for an appointment and perhaps he can offer some
new way to collect for the estate. At least he can review what has occurred
and tell you what property of John’s is attached.
5 A good attorney can probably effect some
kind settlement on the medical situation and explain the legal obligations
for
whatever is unpaid.
(8)
honey I don’t know how to say this When you read this Don’t feel Bad
or Sad about me - -Im my own way I am trying to straiten things out I got
us in such a mess it’s my own fault — you should have some pension and
Insurance from the local —change the lot on (street) to your name only
spend the money will take of yourself Just help the Boys if you can
Bury or Burn me as cheap as possible I don’t care
where. You should find a lot and let the Boys build you a little house
I and get the rest of the Insurance money. You only need one car now sell
the truck it will help get things squared away Tell Bill I have no hard
feelings to him I think he knows that. You don’t have to call my whole
family I don’t think its that Important. I wish I could turn Back time
But I cannot do that
I know I had a job But the way my mind is I don’t think
I could handle it—like you said honey I give to everybody But you and
I feel like I am a leech You have worked hard for years and you deserve
something Better than me I hope you forget me real soon.
Love Bill
PS Boys I Love You
I called Joe I wanted to here his voice one more
time I told him that the fight was not your fault.
(9)
I have taken my life because I tried shock treatment
at the (hospital) and I became unbearably worse! I have no further desire
to live. I am very bitter about what the shock treatments did to me. They
made me worse than I’ve ever been in my whole life.
(10)
I tried to get this car
to San Francisco where I was happy to die. The carburetor wont co-operate
I can’t live in VA Hosp.
And I wont live without you.
I’m sorry I hurt you and
scared you Christmas. It scared me to death but nobody cared
If I don’t kill myself I’11
kill her and I love her to much
I love you
They wont even admit it
was there because what I did
Let the VA bury me
I dont care what happens
to this body
To whom it MAY CONCERN UPON
MY DEATH I RELISE ALL INTEREST IN THIS VEHICLE.
1980 BMW
Lic.
AND WILL IT TO ______ FOR DEBTS OWED TO HER
Dear Mary
I’m sorry swearhart I know everything thats happened to us was my fault.
I wish I could have been
your white knight I just couldn’t take pressure.
You gave me the only happiness
I’ve ever known.
I gave you all the love
and will to live that I had left.
Please remember the good
times
I wish you could have had
our kid, I would have been good to them
I always loved you there
was never anyone else
(11)
I cannot continue any longer. The pain has become
too unbearable. Jane is not responsible. My problems are insoluble. I
should have done it thirty five years ago
Bill
(12)
Lay in bed detsying all day
Life!! is so boreing. Back in the same old rut. No lights in Chev.
Joe has got car. Truck wont start, stereo quit, caint sleep. Women left
me. I feel like shit.
(13)
Mary
Youve always told me not to play phone games.
I passed you on the street today we seen each
other but you kept going like you didn’t even know who I was.
I called your house but you unplugged your
phone
You would never answer my calls at your work
You could at least call me
I think you are seeing someone else if you
are I think you should tell me. We are both grown up enough to understand
I love you very much and I know you loved
me at onetime but like you said I will drive you to someone else. Well
I see that what happened.
You must like him because your never home and when
you are you won’t even call me. You unplug the phone.
I know I fucked up your life, like they say misery
loves company well I guess thats me misery. I hope we can work it out.
But if you feel happier with someone else there is nothing I can do But
regret every bad thing Ive did + said to you.
MOM PLEASE SELL THE BIKE AND PAY JANE $2000
I OWER HER MORE BUT THAT ALL I GOT
(14)
Evaluation + Options present situation
Received Last Check
220.00
Cash on hand approx.
50.00
Rent O’due 13 days
225.00
Food for I wk. (Less milk)
Options
1 Effort for job by19th (and pit off rent?) until 30th
+ 7th Oct
This option with owner of Bldg. (If not, go
to option 5)
2 Same as above Less Rent, move 1st Where?
3 Wait for evaluation, live on street, etc.?
4 Beg from friends?
5 Buy a Steak, Dope, Booze and go out with a BANG!
(And see a couple of ladies first!!!)
Discussion closed!———————
(15)
Do you rememeber a Halloween Party 24 years ago? You were so warm that
night and now are filled with ice and frigid dislike of me. How appropriate.
Halloween, the start and end of our lives. And at the start, the vows that
were made; for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better
or worse. And now death do us part.
In a month, Thanksgiving. I was away just after
our first one. Bet you can’t remember what I gave you on our first Christmas?
Oh, what’s the use of reminiscing? I’m gone and you have cold and hard
thoughts of me. I just know I can’t live in rented room after all these
years. The final failure.
(16)
Joe
Everything I can think of is in the best possible
order. I am truly sorry to leave without notice. I did my best to leave
everything set up. I have expressed my personal feelings in the past and
they still stand. I always tried to do my best for you and you reciprocated.
Me sincere thanks for all the help and education,
as well as the personal assistance.
There could be a lot more said but I don’t think
it is necessary.
The only things I removed from my office were personal.
In my car is my briefcase with company info etc.
including various company keys.
If you can help Mary + she wants it, please try.
My most personal best
to You + Yours,
Bill
Mary
You know so many ways to say “I love you”... with
a kiss, a touch, just everything you do... But I don’t know any way to
really thank you, except to say how much I love you, too.
Happy Anniversary
We almost made the 15 years honey.
Thanks for all the good times and happiness.
Bill
(17)
I can’t handle the responsibility of life.
I have tried to cope with the pressures but find
that I just can’t do it.
I’m sorry to leave behind those people I love-Mary,
Jane, Joe, John, my mother, sisters, niece and nephews—I hope they find
peace and happiness in this difficult life.
I’ve tried to make it and failed—just can’t get
it together anymore!
This terrible depression keeps coming over me and
I can’t bear feeling so bad. Thanks to the people who tried to help me
but I became beyond help!
(18)
Please call my children first
Can’t Take much more Love you all to much gone to See Mary
I can’t live without Mary this pain + misery
is to much Love all you kids forgive me ain’t going to Die in Hosp. Like
Mom
(19)
Well he couldn’t Hack It, (OH Well)
If your interested you are welcome to what ever
you want in the garage. Ask Joe for the key I’ve let him know that you
may ask for it. Anything you don’t want that is valuable I would appreciate
it broken, burned or buried. Perhaps you may take some things to Miss Jane.
OH Yeah She has a fine place. The key to the chest on the small Round table
against the Southe wall of garage next to chest. If you don’t want the
skulls please crush them. There is an excellent supply of incense some
very choice vintage.
You may also have the musical instruments that I
once had. Do with them as you wish.
Yes, Yes, any books you want you may have.
Bill
(20)
(top of note missing)
...with Jesus + that I have prayed for him to lookafter you and Jane.
I have prayed that you arent destroyed by this because that would be something
I could never be forgiven for. My love for you has always been the deepest
and hopefully I’11 see you again. You are my miracle. I have accepted the
lord Jesus as my saviour but I kow that he wouldn’t condone this. I accept
the just dues, and pray that maybe you wont hurt anymore. Make our kid
something! for your strength and love does work miracles. You and Jesus
I pray can forgive me for copping out. Its me who accepts the responsbility
of my actions. I apolagize to all of you + beg Jesus forgiveness. I love
all of our friends + loved ones. Pray for me for I know if there is a heaven,
I’11 hope- fully meet you there someday. You have been and will always
be the brightest ray of sunshine that eve entered my life and no one can
take that away. If I see mom I’ll see that Joe is taken care of + will
try to be with him too! I Love thos kids and am asking yours + Jesus forgiveness
for the trauma I have caused them. Eternity is the best way of saying how
long I (?) love you.
Dad I hope will find strength in (?)
May the lord bless + keep you + forgive me for something
I have no earthly rights to do.
Your loving father
Your loving Son
Bill
(21)
Joe You to are a good kid. If you had given me more of a chance I would
have done anything for you. But I love you just the same. Your mother and
I had our difference but I still love her very much so please take good
care of her for me please.
P.S. Joe The bike is still yours. But please be
carefull with it. Drive it with the utmost safty please
Good bye Joe remember I love you
Your Father
Bill
To: My wife Mary
Mary all I can say is Im sorry for the why things
turned out. I guess you where right we could not make it with our marriage.
I do wish I could undo the thing I had done but
I can’t. But do know I could have made it up to you in other ways. So this
is it I just cant cope anymore say good bye to your mother and Jane + John
and give all my love to Joe he was my pride + joy. I love him very much
so give him a special goodbye from Pap-pa. Mary Im sorry and I love you
please nver forget that I love you.
Good bye your husband
Bill
(22)
But, if there’s a force & I’m given to control any of it, it shall
be with you-
Just don’t know why Joe didn’t call me for so damn long-
always punishing me for something. You literally own her oil have for over two
yrs. R & E Me? Bye all becoming very hard to cogi-type-tate-should’ve planned
ahead more—
John, thanks for tol’rat’n the abuses
Xev-Needn’t tell you.... You were! There was sorry
too for things said but I was just trying to see you the baddest way tickets
I could
All love to & warm heart to
(23)
Mary
Everything we have should go for the kids I left
another 3230.00 on the bottom of the steps Just have the state bury me.
Its cheaper After all we are not legally married. They can not make
you pay for anything.
Good Bye
I Love You
Bill
The grass is greener on the outher side
(24)
Mary
I Love You.
I know you can’t cope with Me. Please don’t think
I did this because of you. I’m fucked. But I do love you very much.
I just can’t cope. Please try to be good + remember all the good times.
Good Times
Bill
Bill Smith
Please sent vamp. to (name, ph. #)
I gave Jane my stereo.
Don’t let Sue have anything.
Put me to sea please
I love you Mary
See you later!!!
(25)
I just checked out may God have mercy on my soul
(26)
Dear Joe-
I’m sorry it seems the only way.
Love—
Bill
(27)
Jane give all of my possessions to Mary and dont want Sue to attend
my funeral.
Bill __________
Mary Please take this check and withdraw all the money from my account
Thank you
Bill __________
Please Pay Joe at (business) $1400.00 (tel. #)
Bill
The BMW License/_________ should be retrieved from (auto shop) across
the street and given to Jean when she turns 21 and is not to be sold
My share of the houses should go to Jean and
she is to retain full possession until such time that she remarries and
at such time the share of this house that belongs to me should go to alchoholics
Anonamous
(28)
Dear Mom and Dad,
I love you both and I want to thank you for everything
that you did from bringing me up to helping me with this current problem.
As you know I have been a saver all my life and have spent almost nothing
on myself all these years. I have been a prisoner of this discipline all
my life; you taught me well. I can not face the future for what these people
might want to do to me. So I am putting an end to my life.
I will everything I have to both of you. I have
accounts with Bank of ________ in _______, _______ Bank in ______, _______
Bank in _______ and _______ Savings and Loan of whose office is in ______.
As well as ______AAA account: I hve a $50,000, CD with B of A and a $35,000
with ______ Bank. My safety deposit box is with B of A. The note that is
in the Box from Mr. ________ has not been paid back to me yet and he will
owe you the money now according to the terms of the note. He still works
at ________ and his home phone is ________. His work number is _________
I do not fit in this current society and I hope
that whatever happens to my spirit, if there is such a thing, it will be
happier there.
I hope you understand why I have done this—I just
don’t fit in to this world.
Please use the money to have fun, we both know there
is no need to invest it.
I want Mary to share in this also. She has been
wonderful to me and I feel that I should help her financially. You be the
judge as to how to do this distribution.
My radio equipment should be given to my wonderful
friends Jane and Joe. They are both friends indead.
I hope that I can find happiness out there somewhere.
With all the love in me.
Bill
(29)
I am tired of failing
If I can do this I will succeed
(Phone #) Police
(ext. #) Sgt. _______
?Bear
my love
I can’t help myself + I can’t do any more damage than I already have.
already have.
1. First call Mary
2. Don’t forget that you can call on friends like
Mary for support + to take care of Maitai
3. Sign my unemployment check + deposit it — (mail
box toy is right here).
4. Car needs gas
5. You will live a happy healthy life.
6. I am sorry
7. Forever + a day is red
Love
Bill
XXXXXXXX
When you read this I will be dead (__________) take care of you
get my other letters from the file
(30)
Post man - call Sherrif
Shooting in back yard.
no news papers
(31)
Mom!
Please forgive me. I’m too ill.
Please take care of Mary and the children.
Mary was really good to me—a great wife.
Love—
Bill
Dearest Mary, I beg you forgiveness for what I have
done to myself, to you, the children and all the family. I am sick — too
sick to continue on this painful path.
After all the pain and suffering subsides, write
to the insurance companies and the Veterans Administration. so that you can obtain the insurance benefits to live on for a time.
What else can I say in this painful letter. Please
remember all the beautiful times that we shared together. I thank you for
all of it.
You have two beautiful children as a rememberance
of these good times and our good marriage.
I am truly sorry, the end came like this. I hope
you can carry on, alone for a time.
May God help you-
Bill
I see no way that I can recover from the illness that I have. It is
now worse then ever.
Thank you for all the good times. You are a great
wife
Love—
Bill
(32)
Forgive me For today I die I just can’t live without Mary. I might
as well be dead may be their will be piece. I have this empty feeling inside
me that is killing me everyday I just can’t take it any more When Mary
left me I died inside I cry to God to help me but he dosn’t listen.
whom it may concern:
Please notify the following people what has happened to me
My son + daughter: (names, address)
My father — (name, address)
My mother — (name, address)
My sister—
I will everythin I own to my son John and my daughter Jane— divided
50-50.
I have $4000 in my money market account no.
_______, at the (bank) at the (city) office # _______
I have $747.92 in my checking account no.
________ at the (bank) at the (city) office #________
There is $649 i my wallet—in cash.
My car is the blue Ford in the parking lot out back.
License No ________
I also leave them the two endorse checks—one for
20.00 + the other for $65.30.
Sincerely
Bill Smith
(33)
Suicide (?) Note.
I hope this works
There is an envelope at my feet for Dr. X in the
Psychology Dept. Please see to it that he gets it.
Also, class rosters for Trade-Tech are in my brown
bag.
Farewell, farewell, what a ridiculous way to pretent
to go.
Maybe this will go off by mistake.
I hope! (Am terrified)
What a rotten sham to pull. It’s too bad I don’t
have enough personality to be ashamed of myself.
I should shoot my cat first.
Fleas everywhere.
You just can’t continue leaning on everyone like
this. This is a petty criminal mentality. It’s sick! & you don’t want
to get better, you want to get worse. Those who have befriended you (or
loaned you money) get it the worst.
One could add to these the three male and three female recent suicide notes that Edwin S. Shneidman included in his book The Suicidal Mind. The female notes are the following #12 which was written by an unsatisfied married woman, and “I am tired of this emotional merry-go-round, so I’ll get out of it by taking my life,” and, “I am powerless over my emotions. Life is unmanageable. I’m like a helpless 12 year old.” The male notes are the preceding #32, which begins “Forgive me For today I die I just can’t live without Mary,” note #7, which begins, “I sit alone. Now, at last, freedom from the mental and physical torment I have been experiencing,” and one which says the following:
Dear Mary. I am writing these last lines to you because these are the last ones. I really thought that you and little Joe were going to come back into my life but you didn’t. I know that you found someone else that is better than me. I hope the son of a bitch dies. I love you very much and Joe too. It hurts a lot that you and I didn’t make it. I had a lot of dreams for all of us but they were only dreams. I always thought that dreams come true but I guess not. I hope to go to heaven but in my case I’ll probably go to hell. Please take care of little Joe because I love him with all my heart. Please don’t tell him what happened. Tell him I went far away and will come back one of these days. Tell him you don’t know when. Well, I guess that’s it. Take care of yourself. PS. I know we could have made it but you didn’t want to because you wanted to get fucked by someone else well you got it. I can’t really say that I hate you or love you. You’ll never know. Yours truly, Your husband, George.
(The psychologist of the woman who wrote female note #13 should have told this guy how much he must have needed to feel small and helpless, killing himself over this one shallow woman when so many women with substance are out there.)
FEMALE NOTES
(1)
I wish I could explain it so someone could understand
it. I’m afraid it’s something I can’t put into words.
There’s just this heavy, overwhelming despair —
dreading everything. Dreading life. Empty inside, to the point of numbness.
It’s like there’s something already dead inside. My whole being has been
pulling back into that void for months.
Everyone has been so good to me — has tried so
hard. I truly wish that I could be different, for the sake of my family.
Hurting my family is the worst of it, and that guilt has been wrestling
with the part of me that wanted only to disappear.
But there’s some core-level spark of life that just
isn’t there. Despite what’s been said about my having “gotten better” lately
— the voice in my head tha’ts driving me crazy is louder than ever. It’s
way beyond being reached by anyone or anything, it seems. I can’t bear
it any more. I think there’s something psychologically twisted-reversed
that has taken over, that I can’t fight any more. I wish that I could disappear
without hurting anyone.
I’m sorry.
(2)
Dear God
I love you so much I can not express the way I feel about you you have
been so good to me + my Daughter in so many way.
God I thank you for all the thing you have bless me with my life +
home clothes everything I love you so much, God you know, but what even
it is Iran putting it in you hard I can not deal with need more
1 Let your will be.
2 bless me with a job.
(3)
Dear Dad & Mom
I Love you Very Much. I am Sorry for any problems that may have
resulted from the way I treated my family. I wanted to know you But I
just wasn’t there. I wanted to be Strong for you & I went the wrong
way. Father thank you for being my friend It would have been
much easier to have just been a father but you wanted to be my friend &
I have just wasn’t their (Thank you for that & everything youv’e
done for me)
Mother; I Love you so much you were always their when I needed
you, you are very strong please forget about me I know it hurts but I was
wrong. I Love you both so very much.
Your Son Bill
(4)
Mom,
Thanks for waiting up for me. Thanks for not inviting
me.
Please do not give [dog] to anyone. you can have my furniture but nothing
absolutely nothing is to Bill.
Thanks for the Memories
Mary
(5)
Dear Jane,
I found a relative (a nice one) up North to stay
with. I’ve left the keys, etc. where you can find them. I’ll be back
for the rest of my stuff as soon as I can.
Take Care of Yourself
Mary
MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO BECAUSE OF
X Mary
PLACE TO LIVE
MARY’S PEOPLE
Find 2 Jobs in San Francisco
JOB
EMOTIONS
Deal With Them
Learn From Mistakes
Commit Suicide
Hospital
PROBLEMS
EMOTIONS
BETTING OVER LOSING Betty
Mary
DON’T
COME
IN
CALL
THE
POLICE
I HAVE COMMITED
SUICIDE
(6)
Hello Jane
I just wanted to tell you i still love you very
much Babe I’ll always love you very much.
My God i don’t know how all this happen but it did. I wish it never
did happen. All i know it hurts real bad just thinking of it makes me cry
and say why. I never thought you would do this to me.
Byi my Lady I love you forever,
Mary
P.S. talk
Byi
You’re always be part of me and thought
Jane I just want you to know I love you very much You know
I still love you sweetie, I don’t understand how all this happened, but
you know what, I wish this would never have happened. Jane It hurts me
very much. Just thinking of what happened makes me wonder why. I never
thought you would do this to me! BABE I miss you.
respectfully
Mary
P.S. I love you BABY
(7)
I commit suicide because I want to be with my father forever— Don’t
rescue me otherwise I will die by harder way and harm others.
Mary
(8)
Mother—
I know the words that I am about to write will never
answer why or ease any sorrow you may feel.
These last 13 months of my life have been the most
painful of my 30 years. I’ve been thru so much that along the way I lost
myself. This is the way I want it; if that will help.
Unfortunately I must once more be faced with what
to do about loose ends.
Most importantly Mom I want you to understand I
must be cremated, not buried, and I do not want any kind of service!
Death should be just that. No mourning or sadness. If you like, on
my 1 year of being gone have a mass for my soul to be found.
Disability will be sending me a white slip to mail
on the 30th. Do that and use the money on whatever you can. You know I have no money to leave anyone.
I don’t want those assholes Jane & Joe to get
my car. You’ll have to tell them I had severe breakdown and can only
afford to pay $50.00, as I have been, because I’m away in a hospital. Enclosed
are my keys. The smallest one is for my storage.
Mom I want you to contact John for me. I am leaving everything of mine
to him because he loved me and was my very truest friend!
He is to take over payments of $50.00 on my car
(without Jane & Joe knowing) when its paid off he gets the pink slip.
Everything personal & otherwise in my storage
is his to do with what he likes.
Tender words only make matters difficult. I would
like to say I love you and thank you for your love.
Mary
(9)
Honey, I know you will be upset so call Jane or Sue or Jean across
street for children
over
call police + cover me up
Don’t let the kids in the bedroom. I’m dead
Mary
(10)
So many people—
have loved me + tried to help — Thank you — but
I couldn’t pull that together to let it be enough
—I have too much anger to face—I can’t do it
Will
All my possessions go to my mother—
+ my sister—
Selling my car should pay off outstanding debts to
(X) Counseling Service
Master Charge—(X) Bank
Student Loan
All other possessions are paid for
Mary Smith
SS #
(11)
When you receive this I will be dead.
Please feed my pets-cats as soon as possible.
Put them to sleep at the Vets not the pet shelter.
The vets will charge about $10 each.
You will find enough money in the house to pay for
it.
You may also have my 2 rings + my earrings.
The $5000 trust you + Bill can deceide about
Me
At peace at last
Mary
I did not move — my body will be at the ____________ address
I AM
NOT MOVING
SORRY
(12)
Mary
(tel #)
Jane
(tel #)
If I havent the Love I want so bad there is nothing left
(13)
8:30 A.M.
My Last Will and Testament
I leave any money or possessions left, if any, after
debts are paid, to Joe, my brother, and Jane, my therapist, split 50-50.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t put the important papers
in order. I can’t organize anything any more. Tax receipts are in blue
accordion folder on bookcase. John of (bank) has my savings (ph. #)
I just can’t go on like this anymore. The depression and lonliness
are too much for me. Being off of work will just make things worse. I tried
to make it and failed.
Cremate me.
Love to all,
except Sue & Tony
Mary Smith
SS # __________
Thurs. A.M.
This is a Tx for competence + clear thinking.
P.M.
I talked to Jane this A.M. + she was very understanding, saying my
work was good as anyone else’s + not to push myself so hard + not to panic
when I can’t remember something.
I went to the Depression clinic They have one study
that would take me off drugs for one week on a placebo + then be on one
of two drugs. She believes I’m getting worse on (drug) + that I need to
get off of it + onto (drug) ASAP. I do
Then, had my session with Jane. All she could do is nitpick about how I need to feel small + helpless—yes I do feel that way, but it doesn’t help me to get back on my feet quickly. Damn her! She could be fixing me up better somehow, I’m sure. She doesn’t know how it is—though I’ve tried my best to show her. I’m f.....g mad at her—All right. Maybe my expression of that anger is good for me. Maybe it’ll help me—It has already helped—I’m sure of it. I feel angry + that’s better that feeling empty. I’m “some better” as she says.
Be Patient—listen to the whole question
Don’t start thing @ your response
Listen to Nature/God
Listen
The Art of Listening
The more we know of our being the better instruments
Bill
Separated from Supply
Recognize God
Reunify (?)
Realization
Thank
How Religious Science Works
How Religious Science Works
Go slowly. Listen carefully
(ph. #)
I feel just awful. What am I going to do? Called Dr. _______ San Francisco left message ? roade bike a little. Flailed on floor + worked up sweat.
The Situation is Hopeless but not Serious
Dr. __________
(ph. #)
~