Staff

Occasionally guests ask how many people are required to keep a web site like this running, and are surprised to learn that it's a one-man operation. However, some are not satisfied with that answer. They insist that something can be fouled up this badly only through the efforts of several individuals working at cross purposes. So for those conspiracy theorists who are convinced that this site must be the product of an evil elitist intellectual heretical epicurean liberal anarchist secular humanist evolutionist conservationist collusion, bent upon assailing the unassailable morals and beliefs, and questioning the unquestionable taste and judgment, of our beloved nation and its revered leaders, I (we) present the following list of parties, toward whom guests are welcome to vent their wrath and indignation.

Newly hired staff members are highlighted.


Academic Incentives Officer	—	Yvonne A. Grant
Acne Treatment Advisor	—	Don Pickett
Adversity Counselor	—	Gwen N. Barrett
Ambulance Driver (Sick Transit)	—	Gloria Mundi
Attendance Supervisor	—	Marcus Tardi
Audio Engineer	—	Kent Herya
Bicycling Coach	—	Søren Wyndid
Budget Director	—	Owen Moore
Candlestick Height Checker	—	Jack B. Nymbal
Cartographer	—	Rhonda Corner
Cat Trainer	—	Claude N. Bitton
Chief Executive's Advisor	—	Nadya Hedd
Cimbalomist	—	Hun Solo
Clerical Choreographer	—	Bishop Tutu
Complaint Adjuster	—	Olive Yutu
Court Bailiff	—	Lionel Perjurya
Crisis Manager	—	Oliver Suddon
Damage Control Officer	—	Amelia Raitt
Dermatologist	—	Ivan Niche
Devil's Advocate	—	Mel Evylent
Dietary Consultants	—	Chic N. Nugget, Walter Mellon
Disciplinary Officer	—	Tarzan Fedders
Driving Instructor	—	Ron M. Downe
Emergency Paramedic	—	Cora Narry
Energy Conservationist	—	Dyson Spheer
Fashion Designer	—	Natalie A. Tyard
Financial Advisor	—	Mary Amelia Nair
Flag Handler	—	José Canyuci
Funeral Music Director	—	Herbert von Karrion
Global Warming Monitor	—	Calvin Eisberg
Gotcha Creator	—	Major Looke
Grief Counselor	—	Sheila Mentz
Hazardous Materials Handler	—	Jocelyn DeNitro
Hematologists	—	Billy Reuben, Electra Lyte
Historian	—	Orson Buggy
Illusionist	—	Alan de Rist
Innovation Coordinator	—	Buck de Trend
Kyrie Liaison	—	Agnes Day
Lost-and-Found Clerk	—	Lucia Wallit
Low-Carb Diet Supervisor	—	Coudoneetza Rice
Manicurist	—	Sandor Neylzoff
Marathon Runner	—	Thor S. Canby
Metric Conversion Coordinator	—	Millie Graham
Micromanager	—	Sasha Payne
Minimalist Waiter	—	Phil Glass
Mortician	—	Paul Barrer
Motivation Moderator	—	Don Givadamme
Obituary Editor	—	Solomon Grimm
Office Supply Clerk	—	Renata Toner
Operatic Mime	—	Placebo Domingo
Optometrist	—	Kent C. Strait
Oriental Food Taste Tester	—	Ho-Lee Kao
Paleographer	—	Rosetta Stone
Paranormal Investigator	—	Houda Thunket
Parking Attendant	—	Denton Fendor
Parole Officer	—	Frieda Conn
Pavlovian Research Director	—	Sally Vacian
Personnel Director	—	Hiram Daly
Pianist	—	Paula Naise
Plant Care Specialist	—	Fern Albetter
Porta-Potty Transporter	—	John Kerry
Policy Coordinator	—	Hugh Reckon
Polyethnic Music Director	—	Yo Ma-Ma
Postal Agents	—	Imelda Letta, Senta Peckidge
Procurement Officer	—	Morris Bettor
Production Developer	—	Ewing C. Norton-Yett
Productivity Monitor	—	Howard Dewing
Prophecy Verification Researcher	—	Muhammad Dun-Tolmi
Psychiatrist	—	Raven Luni
Radiation Safety Officer	—	Glowinda Darke
Remote Correspondent	—	Seldon Everret Holm
Rest Room Attendant	—	Dewey Noah Plummer
Retirement Counselor	—	Ova D'Hil
Rodeo Clown	—	Gordon Trampelt
Rumor Control Officer	—	Oliver Towne
Seahorse Jockey	—	Eddy Canter
Security Chief	—	"Rocko" Jeb Walter
Sensitivity Trainer	—	Don Boddermi
Sex Therapist	—	Ivan Ereksian
Sexual Harassment Investigator	—	Pat McKeester
Short-Order Cooks	—	Carmen Gaddit, Angie O'Plasty
Social Director	—	Saddam Angamora
Speech Writer	—	Ivan A. Naunzmant
Sperm Bank Teller	—	Cyrus N. Onymos
Statistician	—	Adam Ollup
Stress Therapists	—	Don Wouri, Bea Happi
Supply Coordinators	—	Don Frett, Morris Cumming
Telemarketing Operator	—	Dewey Annoya
Test Pilot	—	Hugo Furst
Timekeeper	—	Harvey Dunyet
Travel Agent	—	Carrie Ann Luggidge
Union Negotiator	—	Les S. Moore
Vagrancy Patrol Officer	—	Orestes Bumms
Veterinarian	—	Karen Fieding
Wealth Redistribution Accountant	—	Sharon Cheryl Eyck