"The Short of It" Jokes 

Do you want to hear the long-winded ones? The Long of It

Short Tales - Leftovers

The Doughboy Dies

Date: Monday, November 15, 1999 12:15 PM
 

DATELINE: New York -- The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.  The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. (Source: JSP Newletter)
*
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President  Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.

He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House and get back to work for the American people.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.  He looked tired, discouraged, and was practically in tears.  Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
(Source: Fwd from David & Maura Hall)
*
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the University of Washington.  Like many freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class.  Half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet, "You're not going to have time to finish this," professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student  He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams and the students filed up and handed them in.  All except for the late student, who continued writing.
Half an hour later, the student came up.  "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that.  It's late," the professor said, turning the page in his book.
The student looked incredulous and angry.  "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you KNOW who I AM?"  The student asked again, poking his own chest with his finger as he leaned intimidatingly over the table.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
The student quickly lifted the stack of completed exams and stuffed his in the middle.
"Good!" he said, and walked out of the room!  (Source: Tony Haefs)
*
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and another guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua looks surprised and says, "You mean they gave a Chihuahua?" {Source: FWD: Sarah Craft (apparently from Rev. B. Keeter)}
*
Theft in Paris
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (Source: Jim Ivey)
*
Recorded message on the psychiatric hotline:
Hello, welcome to and thank you for calling the psychiatric hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5,& 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully - a little voice will tell you which button to push. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which button you push, no one will answer. Have a nice day. (Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft)
*
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding  seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it  . . . . . . . . $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace. (Source: Scott's Joke Archive)
*
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm  sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him.... when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
(Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft)
*
A TEXAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE

Don't squat with your spurs on.
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Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
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Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
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Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
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If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
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After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started  roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot  him...........The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
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There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
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Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
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If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
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Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
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It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
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Always drink upstream from the herd.
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When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't
be surprised if they learn their lesson.
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Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
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There are three kinds of men.
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
(Source: Fwd from Christina Ainley)
*
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

have a short funny bone.
Jokes assembled from various sources by Rusty Ivey.
Clean joke submissions are welcome but not guaranteed to be published.
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