Listing-style Jokes
Among the Unnumbered
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
(Hmm... While I may not really agree
with that title,
I do submit that dogs are easier
to figure out!!)
Dogs love it when your friends come
over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
to wash the car.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs think you can sing great.
A dogs time in the bathroom is confined
to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when
you're running late.
The later you are, the more excited
a dog is to see you.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't
hate it.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of
things on the floor.
A dogs parents never visit.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree you have to raise your voice
to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to chain a dog to keep it
at home.
Dogs never keep you waiting, they're
ready to go at the drop of a hat.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards,
perfume, or jewelry.
Dogs don't disagree with anything,
no matter how stupid it is.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Dogs understand that instincts are
superior to asking for directions.
ANYONE can get a good-looking dog.
Source: Fwd from Tony Haefs (from some
other Texan)
How Many Employees Does It Take To
Change A Light Bulb?
One to file the user input report on
the bad bulb.
One to revise the user interface specifications.
One to build the prototype.
One to approve the project.
One project manager.
Two product marketing managers.
One to write the light bulb product
revision plan.
Seven to alpha-test the light bulb.
One to revise the light bulb operating
system.
One to obtain FCC certification.
One to write the manual.
One to write the self-running light
bulb demo.
One to copy-protect the light bulb.
One to place the order for each light
bulb.
One to distribute the light bulb.
One to organize the product introduction
party.
One to make the press announcement.
One to announce the light bulb to the
sales force.
One to train service.
And one service technician to swap
out the light bulb.
Source: Da Joke List
Actual Bumper Stickers
Change is inevitable, except from a
vending machine.
I love cats ... they taste just like
chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will
be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're
an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times
I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather
... ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Tow-ers will be violated.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of
the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's as BAD as you think, and they
ARE out to get you.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately
it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat
better.
Forget about World Peace..... Visualize
Using Your Turn Signal!
Give me ambiguity or give me something
else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will
make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just
like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad
at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my
clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between
naps.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile.
You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose
your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count
& those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start
again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice
doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values
of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to
see you working with subatomic particles.
New Bumper Stickers
A
Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
No Husband Has Ever Been Shot
While Doing The Dishes
A balanced diet is a cookie in
each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than
thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh
at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A Clean House Is A Sign Of A
Misspent Life
Housework Done Properly Can Kill
You
Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten
In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives
My next house will have no kitchen
--- just vending machines.
Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft
One-liners from the Mirror Ezine
If only women came with pull-down menus
and on-line help.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
Circular Definition: see Definition,
Circular.
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only
two will fit.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino
effect at work.
Originality is the art of concealing
your sources.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity
can explain.
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring
a lawyer.
Advice is free: The right answer will
cost plenty.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap,
park elsewhere!
Nothing's impossible for those who
don't have to do it.
We do precision guesswork.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't
figure out the plot.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Shin - Device for finding furniture
in the dark.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal
a job from decent, hardworking Americans
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road,
you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black
man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down
from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."
And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed
one?
L. A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we will find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken
did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
I don't know any chickens. I have never known any.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken
cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die.
In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't
ask why the chicken crossed the road. If someone told us the chicken
crossed the road, that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature
of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical
inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was
an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FREUD: The fact that you
are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken
really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
BILL GATES: I have just released
Chicken 2000, which will not only cross the road, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, balance your check book, and Explorer is an inextricable
part of the operating system.
BILL CLINTON: I did not
cross the road with that chicken.
Source: Fwd from David & Maura
Hall
Things parents have learned from their
kids:
There is no such thing as child-proofing
your house
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than
200 adults in a crowded restaurant
Play Dough and Microwave should never
be used in the same sentence
Plastic toys do not like ovens
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't
worry
A good sense of humor will get you
through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling
fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound
puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and
the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes
smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with
a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in
the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate
while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water
to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive
tract of a four year old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we
don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in
a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches
even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you
turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has
at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine
does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats
throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Source: Random Silliness
Kids and proverbs
A first Grade teacher collected old,
well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of
a proverb, then had the children complete the phrase.
*As you shall make your bed so shall
you...............mess it up.
*Better be safe than...........................punch
a 5th grader.
*Strike while the ...................................bug
is close.
*It's always darkest before.................daylight
savings time.
*You can lead a horse to water
but............................how?
*Don't bite the hand that.............................looks
dirty.
*A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
*You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
*If you lie down with the dogs,
you'll.......stink in the morning.
*The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
*An idle mind is............................the
best way to relax.
*Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
*Happy the bride who........................gets
all the presents.
*A penny saved is........................................not
much.
*Two's company, three's............................the
musketeers.
*Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you;
cry and...............................you
have to blow your nose.
*Children should be seen and not..............spanked
or grounded.
*When the blind leadeth the blind..............get
out of the way.
Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft
You just might be a grad student if:
You can identify universities by their
internet domains.
You are constantly looking for a thesis
in novels.
You understand jokes about Foucoult.
The concept of free time scares you.
You consider caffeine to be a major
food group.
The professor doesn't show up to class
and you discuss the readings anyway.
You've ever traveled across two state
lines specifically to go to a library.
You appreciate the fact that you get
to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
You've ever worn out a library card.
You find yourself citing sources in
conversation.
You've ever sent a personal letter
with footnotes.
Source: Humor and Games
English Pleas
That's the last straw! Now I'll have
to use a glass.
There's no egg in eggplant nor ham
in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in
England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if
we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing; grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural
of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two
geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can
make amends but not one amend; that you comb through the annals of history
but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers
praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes, I think all the English
speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Have noses
that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance
be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook
and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
Have you noticed that we talk about
certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful
carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who
was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which
you fill in a form by filling out; and in which an alarm clock goes off
by going on.
English was invented by people, not
computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of
course, isn't a race at all). "Even if you do learn to speak correct English,
whom are you going to speak it to?" (Clarence Darrow)
That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And
why, when you wind up a watch, you start it, but when you wind up
an essay, you end it!
Source: FWD from Sarah Craft, Author
Unknown
Real Announcements from Church Bulletins,
as Reported by the New York Times
News Service
For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be
an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
A bean supper will be held Tuesday
evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service on Sunday, the
sermon topic will be WHAT IS HELL? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Don't let worry kill you... let the
church help.
Thursday Night: Potluck supper. Prayer
and medication to follow.
This afternoon there will be a meeting
in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
both ends.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask
Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast
off clothing of all kinds and they may be seen in the church basement on
Friday.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m.
in the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the
side entrance.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles
and other items for recycling. Proceeds will go to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the
church's new tithing campaign with the slogan "I Upped my Pledge -- Up
Yours!"
Jokes assembled
from various sources by Rusty Ivey.
are
"listed" as funny.
Come on in & list your name among the
others, 
...then
see who the "others" are.
Now, where would you like to go? To the
Top
of Page;
Good
Laughs; Telling
the Tales- The
Long of It, The
Short of It; Listing
the Laughs- The
Top Ten Lists, The
Long Numerals, Among
the Unnumbered, The
Vocabulary List; or Home?
Want to find out more about Jesus
Christ?
If you want some great places on the net to
buy stuff you already need and want, check out:
(an effort to keep from having banners
everywhere).