I have not seen this episode. But, I am grateful to the reader of Divorce Poison who brought this to my attention. She thought the show gives a good example of a tug of war for children's affection, even in a married couple. My reader added that this episode showed how one parent can portray the other parent in a negative light to children, even unintentionally. Watching shows such as this with your children can be a low-anxiety way of introducing themes relevant to children who feel caught in the middle of their parents' conflicts. Thanks to the DP reader who took the time to send this tip with the hope that it would help other alienated parents.

The following note provides hope and encouragement to parents who despair of ever repairing the damaged relationship with their children. It comes from a father who wrote to me for advice three years ago. In the face of his children’s rejection he was ready to throw in the towel. Instead, he continued to let his children know that he loved them, despite their lack of response to his cards, letters, and gifts. His persistence paid off. With his permission, I am reprinting a portion of his note.

“So I just want to say thank you for you kind wisdom and I guess if some father who is where I was a few years ago sought my advice, I know I would say to him that don't give up; always let your kids know you love them unconditionally. My oldest child had earlier referred to me by first name on a number of occasions but I never got mad; I was hurt; but for the sake of communication, I tried not to let it get in the way; both my children now call me Dad or Daddy and always sign their emails, Love [child’s name] and I can't express in words what that means to me.”

I wanted to share this email from a wonderfully creative mother who refuses to be a victim of divorce poison.

Hello Dr. Warshak,

I just had an amazing story that I wanted to share with you because I know you would apreciate how much it meant to me. I was talking to my daughter about a book that she and I are reading together at night before she goes to bed called "The Tale of Emily Winsnap". We were talking about a particular character in the story, and my daughter has been hypothesizing that this Mr. Beeston was a very bad person. I asked her if she was sure about that, and she replied, "well maybe not, are you trying to say it could be like "The True Story of the Three Little Pigs" and different perspectives?" When I heard that, I almost started to cry. We read that story over a year ago during the worst times of PAS. Kind of ironic that my pumpkin would bring that up right before the AP is taking me back to court for full custody again (this Tuesday). So I wanted to share this story because God does work in mysterious ways. For those parents who are being alienated, and trying to take the healthy ground of reuniting with their children, when it seems hopeless and dark, know that our children do listen, and a small seed is being planted in their minds and hearts.

Essay from a Mother: How Custody Battles Resemble Political Campaigns

I am pleased to share this well-written and well-conceived essay. I think it can help parents and children better understand how a parent's reputation with her children can be damaged unfairly, and why this occurs.

"We all hate mud slinging in political campaigns, but it always seems to happen. Each candidate is attempting to convince the voters that they are the best person for the job. They usually start out just talking about why they are a good candidate, but before long they give into the temptation to start talking about why they think the other candidate is not good for the job. They work to convince the voters that there is nothing good about thier opponent. Even if the opponent has done something good, or has a good idea, they will attempt to discredit or find fault with the other's ideas and actions. They don't even have to tell lies. All they have to do is exaggerate negative points while minimizing positive points.

Regardless of the election's outcome, we are all relieved that the smear campaigns are finally over. Unfortunately there will occasionally be a looser who can't accept his loss, and will continue the mudslinging long after the election is over.

Ideally, when one candidate begins mudslinging, the other candidate should be "the better man", and not let his campaign sink to that level. Unfortunately, not fighting back or responding to the other candidate's attempts to ruin his reputation can backfire. Not responding to an accusation actually gives credit to it. Without any information to counter the false or misleading information given to them, the voters and general public begin to believe the bad remarks. If the smear campaigning goes on long enough, the negative images of the candidate can crowd out any positive images in the voters' minds. The voters will begin to have negative feelings about the candidate.

What I find interesting about this is how much it has in common with custody battles. Each parent is on a campaign to prove they are the best candidate for the office of "custodial parent". Ideally they should avoid smearing the other candidate, but the stakes are so high, they feel they have to do everything possible to win, even if they know it is wrong. They try to get all the "voters" to side with them, including the children. Sometimes they can't even see how it can harm their children. They think they are the best parent for their children, and winning custody is the best thing they can do for them. The ends seems to justify the means. The rest is just collateral damage.

When a parent is the victim of a smear campaign, they are advised to "take the high road", and not add to the fighting and mudslinging. The kids are the ones to get hit by the mud, so the less mud, the better. Unfortunately, they are not told how to shield the kids from the flying mud, and the kids get covered in it, even if only one parent is slinging it. The damage still occurs even though the target of the mud slinging kept their campaign clean.

It's time for this parent to publicly announce I am the victim of a smear campaign. I will continue to resist the urge to mud sling, especially in the presence of my children. I will, however, answer to the negative campaigning against me by giving truth to lies, and reality to deception. I will tell my children every day that I love them, and will not allow them to be harmed. I will do every thing possible to shield them from the mud, and to wash away the mud that has already hit them. I will limit my campaigning to the court room, where the only real voter presides. I will also ask my opponent to bury the hatchet for the sake of OUR children, and to become my ally in raising healthy, happy children.

These children need both their parents. No one wins this campaign if the children loose a parent in the process. They love both their parents, and should not be forced, manipulated, coerced, encouraged, or pressured to choose sides."

Note to Dr. Warshak from An Alienated Mother

"Since you are open to popular culture to educate people on Divorce Poison, I saw a dramatic episode of Boston Public where the high school daughter shares with her divorced parents (her father is the Principal) her pain and anguish that she is not part of a complete family. The segment dealt with some of the pain that the child feels even in a civil divorce. How much worse is it for children like mine who have spent most of their lives as the victims of a bitter, vindictive battle?"

Valuable Advice from Another Alienated Mother

I received an email from a mother who wanted to share some valuable lessons she learned while seeking help within the legal system. I think her advice can be very helpful to other parents in this difficult situation. This is especially true because there is some misinformation on the Internet that discourages alienated mothers from pursuing help within the legal system. Here it is:

"As a parent who has successfully fought Parental Alienation Syndrome within the legal system, and hopefully with the help of therapy and intervention a positive outcome will result in my relationship with my daughter, I would like to share some invaluable 'tools' that have helped me achieve this positive result. Please feel free to use this on your site.

1. Obtain the best attorney that you can possibly afford. As I have told you, I had to go through 2 attorneys before hiring the correct one who could handle the whole case. I was fortunate to find this attorney through speaking to several reliable people, many who are attorneys or therapists, this attorney's name kept popping up. I had intitially shyed away from using this attorney because of her very high retainer and hourly fees. However, by the time I lost custody and most visitation and it looked like I would have lost almost complete visitation I hired her and from that point on, was able to turn the tides.

2. Work very closely with all therapists involved, I was always very candid and honest. The other parent tried to keep me away from attending or taking my daughter to appointments with her therapist. The other parent presented his version of reality, in addition to my daughter's constant verbalization during therapy that I never did anything with her and she didn't want to see me again. I kept persistent contact with this therapist and insisted on taking my daughter in for half of her sessions despite the fact that it would take away from the few precious times I had visitation. I stayed calm and rational and always verbalized my concern for my daughter's emotional needs before all else. Listen to their recommendations, if you feel that they are not 'getting it,' try to explain your side of the story. Finally, after more than 6 months of my consistent behavior, the therapist realized that something was not quite right.

3. As you have pointed out, evaluators are hesitant to use the word alienation or Parental Alienation Syndrome. You are absolutely correct. When looking for attorney, therapists, evaluator, I was more concerned about their integrity and reputation of how good they were in their respective fields. In the end, the semantics do not matter, as long as the professionals have the capacity to see to it that the child's needs are met and have their pulse on the situation.

4. Midway during another 'crisis' targeted by the alienating parent, I learned an invaluable lesson: to be proactive and not reactive in my relationship with the other parent.

5. Learn to take a breather and pace yourself, and surround yourself with friends and loved ones.

6. Most important, try to maintain some thread of contact with your child.

I thank you for listening, and for all that you have done for us parents. I will keep you posted regarding my journey back with my daughter."

From Dr. Warshak: I thank you for taking the time to share your valuable insights with visitors to this site. I am sure we all wish you the best success in healing your relationship with your daughter.

Communication is always a problem with alienated children. A mother sent in this suggestion to open dialogue with reluctant children. If you try it, please let me know the results.

"I would like to recommend, if you have never played The Ungame, a board game for positive family relationships, that you give it a try and see if you think it could help families dealing with Divorce Poison™. I came across it in my quest to create a positive family environment where kids can talk freely and in an atmosphere of acceptance instead of judgment of their feelings, both positive and negative. When we began the game the first time, all of the kids, ages 11-17, knew that I was up to my usual "family time" so there was a slight protest. However, after we got started we played for over two hours, way late into the evening and when we did quit, no one really wanted to. It almost seems like a silly game until everyone starts to get comfortable with their right to have and express their own feelings. The atmosphere became comfortable and safe for thoughts and feelings to flow. The rules of the game require folks to just be listeners at times, a hard task for many of us. I'm just a regular Mom dealing with the daily effects of Divorce Poison. I know the frustrations and fears well. I hope The Ungame can help point other parents in the right direction for undoing a lot of damage."

My wife brought to my attention an article by Dr. Joyce Brothers. I think it could have an impact on young adults who have been alienated from a parent and is worth taking a look at. If you think it could persuade a long alienated child to reach out for contact, I suggest emailing the article to your child, or to a relative or friend who can show it to the child. I would welcome hearing from readers who found the article useful. (New link that works. Thanks to a DP reader for bringing the faulty link to our attention.) Click here to read the article.

A note to my readers:

Ever since Divorce Poison was published I have been inundated with requests for help. I handle all my correspondence personally and responding to these requests takes several hours each week. I am glad to do this, but it leaves me little time for updating this very important page. But because it has been so long since this page was updated, I am including two new items. I will do my best to made additions on a more regular basis, and I thank all my readers who have taken the time to share their stories with me.

I thought the following letter needed to be shared with parents whose children are rejecting them. It was written as a "letting go" letter, as I recommend in chapter 9 of Divorce Poison, by a mother whose daughter had blamed her for the divorce and treated her horribly. The letter was written from the heart. It included specific memories of good times, reaffirmed the mother's love for her daughter, acknowledged the sadness of their current situation, and held out the hope for a better future. What is especially rewarding about this letter is that, rather than marking the end of their relationship, it touched the girl's heart and was the catalyst that stimulated the process of healing the relationship. When the girl received it, she called her mother, thanked her for the art supplies, and said, "Love ya mom." When the mother gave permission to place the letter on divorcepoison.com she wrote, "If it helps even one parent in a similarly painful situation, I would be very pleased." So, here it is. It supports my view that alienated parents should not give up hope of a better future with their children.

Dear Jane,

I love when you used to draw angels. Remember when we said thunder was Grandmother bowling up in heaven and when it was lightening she got a strike?

Remember how proud you were when you go so fast on your crutches after your broken ankle? Remember how we spent the night when you were in the hospital with mono? We talked all night about everything.

Jane, I love you unconditionally. I will always pray and hope for you to want to see me. But if you don't, I won't pressure you anymore to visit, call, etc. Maybe some day we can have a relationship again.

I hope you are letting all your bottled up creative energy out. You always showed your feelings through your music and sketches. I'm sending you a sketch pad and art supplies and a journal. I hope you get the urge to fill the empty places with your feelings and thoughts.

Part of me is empty and missing without you. I am very sad about us.

Remember when you made your famous "concoctions" in the kitchen? You got really good at chicken Parmesan.

I am very proud of you. I know you always give 100% effort to all you do. I know you will make the right choices in life. Know that I love you always, and think about you all the time!

Love,

Mom

For parents whose children have remained out of touch for a long time:

A woman sent me the following analogy which I think can offer some comfort during the long period waiting for communication from an alienated child.

Treat your efforts to connect with your alienated child like a Mars lander project. Stay committed but somewhat detached — for years if necessary — with the goal of eliciting transmissions from alien soil.

In her case, a letter sent to a child who has been alienated for years (now an adult) was the Mars lander. When the letter was delivered and signed for by the child, she wrote that, "The Mars lander has deployed....Standing by for Martian storms...or electronic failure."

Important note: If you have no communication with a child, and you are making one last attempt to connect by mail, make sure that you send the letter by some means that allows you to verify that it was received.

If you believe your children have been victims of divorce poison, and they are now adults and still refuse to have any contact with you, consider sending them a copy of the book, DIVORCE POISON, along with a heartfelt note. From what we are hearing from other parents in this situation, this may be the catalyst that begins the journey back from alienation. It may be a long shot. But what do you have to lose?

When you are a victim of divorce poison, and your child wants to end contact with you because it is "too stressful," point out to your child and your ex that avoiding difficulties in a relationship is a poor way to cope. Avoiding the problems, rather than solving them, will likely interfere with future relationships.

April 2nd is Ann Landers' Reconciliation Day. Be sure to read her column, cut it out, and use it in the manner described in Chapter 7 of DIVORCE POISON: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond From a Vindictive Ex

Your best chance of reducing bad-mouthing may be to consistently acknowledge the specific things that your ex does for the children and express your appreciation. Why? It is more difficult to bad- mouth someone who frequently says nice things about you.

ALIENATION BUSTERS

Books

The following books speak to children about lessons that are central to working through unreasonable alienation from a parent.

--The True Story of The Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka. This marvelous book was a New York Times Book of the Year. Shows how things look very different depending on our perspective: an important lesson for alienated children. In addition to alienated parents, therapists should consider using this book in their work with alienated children. From amazon.com's review: "There has obviously been some kind of mistake," writes Alexander T. Wolf from the pig penitentiary where he's doing time for his alleged crimes of 10 years ago. Here is the "real" story of the three little pigs whose houses are huffed and puffed to smithereens... from the wolf's perspective. This poor, much maligned wolf has gotten a bad rap. He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, with a sneezy cold, innocently trying to borrow a cup of sugar to make his granny a cake. Is it his fault those ham dinners--rather, pigs--build such flimsy homes? Sheesh.


--Mr. Peabody's Apples by Madonna (yes, that Madonna). In Divorce Poison I tell the Hasidic tale of the man who learns about the damage caused by malicious speech. Madonna retells this tale in language that is perfect for children. Lovingly illustrated. From amazon.com's review: "Set in a tiny American town, Madonna's story features the big-hearted and much beloved Mr. Peabody, an elementary school teacher and Little League coach who dedicates his summer Saturdays to the local losing team. The kindly teacher seems to savor life the way he savors his weekly apple--taking pleasure in the little things. One weekend after the game, Tommy Tittlebottom watches Mr. Peabody take his apple without paying for it. The following weekend Tommy calls in reinforcements to witness Mr. Peabody's transgression. By the next Saturday, Mr. Peabody's apparent theft has become grist for the Happville rumor mill and no one comes to Little League practice. These moments truly highlight Long's talents as an illustrator--the handsome Mr. Peabody (part Harry Connick Jr., part Robert Redford) comes to life on the page, his disappointment as palpable as that of Billy Little, the young boy who idolizes him. A simple explanation puts the rumors to rest, but as Mr. Peabody points out in a poignant demonstration, small talk can often lead to big trouble for everyone."

Agree to Disagree

One of the biggest impediments to reconciliation occurs when a child is convinced that a parent is guilty of a major transgression, such as child abuse, domestic violence, or alcoholism, and the parent adamantly denies guilt. Both sides insist that they are telling the truth. And each expects the other's agreement before they can have a relationship.

Professional negotiators table the most difficult issues until the end of the negotiations. The idea is achieve success with more modest goals, and then build on those successes. The same goes for reconciling with your children.

As much as possible, avoid arguments about whether or not you did the horrible things you are being accused of. Do not demand a resolution of this dispute when you are first trying to reunite with your child. I am not suggesting that you capitulate to your child's version of reality. Just table the discussion. Agree to disagree.

I cannot emphasize this enough. A premature attempt to resolve an explosive issue, particularly without the assistance of an experienced therapist, will not only meet with failure. It will blow up in your face, leaving a trail of destruction that makes the prospect of reconciliation even more remote.

For specific suggestions about how to implement this approach, including what to say to your children, see Chapter 7 on "Poison Control" in DIVORCE POISON: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond From a Vindictive Ex.

Films and Television

Stories, fairy tales, and fables are the age-old ways of communicating life's important lessons to children. Movies and television shows are two modern ways. Fortunately, both the big screen and the little screen have produced shows that relate directly to many of the ideas that alienated children need to learn. Watching such shows with your children is an entertaining, low-anxiety strategy for introducing important themes. Certain shows will allow you to introduce the topics of mind control, hypnosis, brainwashing, parent-child relationships, even difficult divorces, in a relaxed atmosphere. The same children who would immediately shut down if you attempted to discuss their alienation will actively take part in a conversation about a hypnotized child or a brainwashed assassin.

Following is a brief list of shows to give some idea of the wide range of possibilities, and the potential of this strategy to help open communication between you and your children. We encourage visitors to email with their suggestions for this list. These shows can have value merely if your children watch them. (If you watch them together, at least you and they are sharing an enjoyable activity.) But the shows will have their biggest payoff if you can initiate a conversation about them and successfully engage your children in the discussion. The principles of indirect communication and graduated exposure, discussed in detail in DIVORCE POISON: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond From a Vindictive Ex, are applicable here. Don't be too quick to relate the movie to your child's own situation. You do not want to arouse your child's resistance. Learning about related situations lays a foundation that you can draw on in future conversations. The temptation will be to move too quickly. Given the frustration of rejected parents, this is understandable. Try to resist the temptation. Opening a closed mind is a delicate operation. Take your time and you will more likely meet with success.

Here are some shows to get you started (links are for dvd unless otherwise indicated):

--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-- With Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Kirsten Dunst, and Elijah Wood, the theme of this funny, sad, love story is erasing relationships from memory. Should plant seeds and stimulate conversation regarding divorce poison. Note: this movie is rated R.


--And the Children Shall Lead (Episode 60, Original Star Trek series)-- An evil spirit turns young children against their parents to gain power.


--Return of the Archons (Episode 22, Original Star Trek series)-- A despot named Landru controls the minds of a whole society and ensnares Enterprise crew members.


--Dagger of the Mind (Episode 11, Original Star Trek series)-- An evil psychiatrist uses a menchanical hypnotizing device to control and ruin minds, including Captain Kirk's.


--The Magic Flute--Ingmar Bergman's enchanting 1975 production of Mozart's beloved opera (in Swedish, with English subtitles) depicts the coming-of-age of Princess Pamina. Her estranged father kidnaps her from her adored mother, who immediately hires a young rescuer, Tamino. But Pamina's world turns upside-down, as she and Tamino discover together that her rescue has already taken place--and that they must prove themselves brave enough to carry forth a message of love.


-- Hook--for its clear portrayal of Captain Hook enticing a boy to renounce his father


-- The Manchurian Candidate--for older children, a gripping film illustrating the frightening extent to which a person can be brainwashed (The DVD link below is the original film, not the 2004 theatrical release.)


-- The Wave--this hard-to-find video depicts a teacher's experiment to demonstrate how easily people can be manipulated to hate

-- The Stepford Wives--a classic portrayal of women whose husbands have stripped them of their own will (The DVD link below is the original film, not the 2004 theatrical release. It is also available in a silver anniversary edition.)


-- The Invasion of the Body Snatchers--can stimulate a discussion of people acting without volitional control


-- Jack Frost--a movie about a boy whose father dies and comes back to life as a snowman. The film speaks volumes about the importance of a father to a child.


-- Terms of Endearment--shows the importance of a mother to her daughter despite conflicts in their relationship


-- Mrs. Doubtfire-- portrays the pain of a parent being kept apart from his children


-- Table for Five--shows that even a parent with many flaws occupies a unique space in the hearts of his children (link below is for vhs)


-- The Honeymooners--"The Hypnotist" and "The Sleepwalker," episodes in which Ralph Cramden and Ed Norton are hypnotized

Click here to reach the Custody Resources Catalog

HOME