I believe in making the world safe for our
children, but not our children's children, because
I don't think children should be having sex
- Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live - NBC)
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I
drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams
come true than to be selfish and worry about my
liver.'
- Jack Handey
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get
it.
- Jack Handey
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet
sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then
I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and
you'll have their shoes.
- Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a
world without hate. And I can picture us attacking
that world, because they'd never expect it.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks
of something when you walk around. That way, if
anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You
can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful,
beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a
beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful
rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're
drunk.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten
lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing
yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what
REALLY throws you into a panic.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no
music, no choreography and the dancers hit each
other.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing
more than some sort of striking surface attached
to the end of a long stick.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and
get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and
become a bum for a few years, because I was
thinking about doing that anyway.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to
look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's
made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and
that's why so is mankind.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
If you go flying back through time and you see
somebody else flying forward into the future, it's
probably best to avoid eye contact.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have
more money. And I guess that's what I like about
it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back
and forth, wanting that money.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the
author is right there, in the room talking to you,
which is why I don't like to read good books.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier
about cutting them down? We might, if they
screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?
The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he
falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
window.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean
to poor people, like now.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
The face of a child can say it all, especially the
mouth part of the face.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and
demand your rights,even if you don't know what
your rights are, or who the person is you're
talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy
behind your horse, I bet it would really make you
mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a
magazine.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
One thing vampire children have to be taught early
on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing
that, I'll be over here, looking through your
stuff.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a
new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you
have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you
would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person
who has beautiful swept-back features, as if
flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't
it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm
afraid some people might actually think that.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat."
It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of
your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join
them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of
the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks
really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for
parties.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're
drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out
your nose.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
As the light changed from red to green to yellow
and back to red again, I sat there thinking about
life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much
topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that
story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
- Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts
